Ali The Bachelorette ep 1: Nerds on Parade

It’s Ali’s turn to sort through 25 potential losers to see if she can pick the one non-geek in the bunch (like a Where’s Waldo of dating).   The show opened with her standing around thinking about life and how she once chose not being homeless over love.  She’s back and has put it all on the line for a meager paycheck from the producers of The Bachelorette.  On a side note, the promotional shot of Ali’s shadow looks like she’s meditating.  I don’t like it.  However, I’ll give her this she looks like she’s been working out since giving herself the boot last season.  Ali the Abs!

Ali started the show by nervously standing outside the mansion (I see they renewed their lease on that house) waiting for the drunk frat boys to roll up in limos and drool over her.  Of course, inside the limo, there was the inevitable toast to Jake for tossing Ali aside.  At least this show is consistent over the years!

Let’s talk about what’s really important:  the goobers trying to win a free engagement ring/Ali’s heart.

Frank was a business man who felt “unfulfilled” so he packed up his bags and headed to Paris to write screenplays.  Now, in a “crazy” turn of events, he’s a retail manager.  I don’t judge.  Upon learning that the bachelorette was Ali, he exclaimed “We’re getting married!”  He attempted to make an impression by jumping out of the top of the limo, which doesn’t seem safe for someone who is legally blind (that’s my interpretation of those glasses).

Jay, the uber-nerd from a family of lawyers, was “super stoked” to meet Ali.  He was impressed when she chose her job over love last season.  That seems like a red flag, like if he had to make that choice he’d be the first one to bounce (with his crazy-looking hair).

Craig M-speaking of hair…that Canadian believes himself to be the ultimate ladiez man (like Don Johnson, perhaps?), but he just seems like the ultimate d-bag.  His personality actually got worse as the episode went on, especially when he tried to give the Weatherman advice on how to talk to Ali.  Mind ya business, hairboy!

Kyle, the Mountain man, is desperate for both a woman and a haircut.  Who doesn’t want a man who had his first kill at 4-years old?  Sounds, um, sexy?  On the positive, it was kind of cute when he threw the imaginary fish hook, which Ali was too dumb to recognize.  When the first impression rose was on the table, he said he wanted to eat it so it would be a part of his soul forever.  Obviously, he spends a lot of time alone and forgot how to act normal in public.

 Rated R is a professional wrestler, in case you couldn’t guess by the name.  He called himself a “grandma’s boy” but all I see is the Toronto version of a Guido.  A Toruido!  He used his crutches to get sympathy from Ali, and slickly told her to meet him inside for the rest of the story.  While he was pontificating to Ali about his life in tights, the other guys drank their hater-aide inside.  Not that I blame them, once Rated-R busted out his wrestling voice I was in full-on gag mode.   

Phil is an investment manager with a sad story about his brother dying and his priorities shifting.  Somehow that was all related to doing triathlons, but I missed the connection.

Jonathan is better known as the Weatherman.  I’ve known a few of these in my day, and they’re the ultimate geekmasters.  The sad part is that he thinks he’s hilarious, but to me, he belongs on Glee (and not in a good way).  For his gimmick, he brought Ali a sunshine pin--cute or nerdy?  He’s like a fun gay friend you get pedicures with.

Ty has a ragin’ Southern accent and some serious ears.  He loves his dog, Paxton (named after Bill from Twister?) more than he loved his first wife.  Ok, that was just rude, but it could be true.  He was married for two years, and got a divorce only a few months ago—too soon for a reality TV dating show?  I will say that he was quite polite and said “thank you” about a million and a half times. 

Chris L is a teacher-turned-landscaper.  He had a sad story about his mother dying and how he changed his focus to his family, but he didn’t reveal that to Ali right away, which I respect.  He has the wisdom of Yoda as evident by his words, “Love is the only reality.”    

Canadian Chris H brought his A-game by suggesting that he and Ali blow off everyone else and go inside to chat.  I kinda dug his approach, but he didn’t bring much else to the table.

Jesse’s line, “Would you be interested in a peculiar man?” is pretty clever since he’s from Peculiar, Missouri.  I think I’d be more interested in an actual peculiar man, myself.

Chris N (seriously, how many dudes named Chris can there be?) gave her the first rose.  Awww, how adorably unoriginal.

Kasey is Kreepy.  He looks like Jake, but he repeatedly gave an extremely intense speech about wanting to protect and guard Ali’s heart always.  Sounds like a threat!  He also revealed that his dad cheated on his mom—perhaps too much information for a first speed date?

Roberto (my friend, Stephanie’s favorite-holler!) definitely made an impression when he spoke Spanish to Ali.  As he was walking away, she compulsively mumbled the words “cute” and “sexy.”  He gained even more points when he salsa danced with her later.

Craig R made the important observation, “I’m glad you aren’t Vienna.”  Good point, man.  He has made himself out to be the house spy. He reported back to Ali everyone he thought was being insincere, starting with Rated-R.  He also made time to give her a yellow sneaker keychain, whatever that means.

John C went down on one knee and offered a shocked/nervous Ali a cubic zirconium ring.  Good thing the actual bling is free at the end of this because I suspect he can’t afford the real deal.

Kirk made Ali a napkin rose—a trick I’ve seen my bartender friend use on a thousand different gullible girls.  Later, he presented Ali with a scrapbook of all he wanted her to know about him.  He actually used the words “macramé” and “scrapbook store” which means he’s secure with his masculinity (or lack thereof).

Tyler wore boots because he thought Ali wore them when she stepped out of the limo on The Bachelor.  WRONG!  That was Jillian, so he’s a few seasons too late for his dream girl!

Derek brought leaves (he actually watched last season, ahem, Tyler!) for Ali to make a wish on.  Not a terrible strategy. 

Jason, the master crap talker, flipped off the top of the limo (and I don’t mean by using his middle finger).  He then spent the rest of the evening judging everyone else’s gimmicks, like a schmuck.

Hunter played the ukulele and sang a song which was actually funny.  He spent the rest of the evening making hilarious comments about the other guys as a way to vent his anger/jealousy.  My favorite was when he called Craig M the “toupee guy.”  Even though he might be mentally unstable and looks like the dude from Ghostbusters 2, I kinda like him.

Derrick/Shooter is an idiot.  Nobody who tells the story of premature ejaculation wins the girl.  Fact.

After all the chitchatting, Chris Harrison appeared and had the guys write down the names of anyone they believed was there for the wrong reasons.  In an unshocking turn of events, Rated-R received the most votes and Ali was forced to give him a rose or send him packing.  She fell for his woe-is-me speech about the guys hating on him for being a wrestler (and a damn fool), and gave him a rose. 

Roberto AKA Sexypants received the first impression rose.  Before she handed out the rest, Ali reassured everyone that “if you don’t get a rose, it’s not personal”—it’s just that she finds you unattractive and uninteresting.  Oh, and your personality sucks.    I was glad to see that Hunter got a rose because if he hadn’t, he may have burned the whole place down.  Sadly, Shooter went home, so we won’t hear any more stories about his inadequacies in the bedroom.  Sigh.

(Talking about Craig M) “He’s just here for more hair products.”-Rated-R

Roberto

Rated-R/Justin

Jesse

Ty

Craig R

Tyler B

Frank

Steve

Chris L

Kirk

John C

Chris N

Chris H

Hunter

Craig M (producer’s pick)

Jonathan

Kasey

 Roberto