Ali The Bachelorette ep 7: Five Guys And A Girl In Portugal

This week, there were five guys, four dates, and zero roses.  How’s that for a math equation?  The fools on this show keep saying they’ve traveled around the world, but in order to have done that, they would have actually had to head east past Turkey.  Instead, they backtracked to Portugal.  I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, but they sound like idiots.  I don’t know what I really expect at this point. 

Roberto got the first date of the week with the clue “Be the King of the Castle” as if the fairy tale theme has not already been overdone.   Ali’s one concern about Roberto was that she couldn’t be “silly” with him.  I hate when grown-ups use that word when they’re not speaking to kids.  Maybe that’s just me.  Ali’s fears were assuaged by an impromptu photo shoot she and Roberto had in the streets of Lisbon.  I guess that’s what she means by goofy.  

Things turned romantic when Roberto forced Ali to slow dance with him in the street.   He took the opportunity to make a little sales pitch, “There will be moments like this all the time if you keep me around.”  Hold your horses, smooth talker!  There are still four other losers she has to send home before riding off into the sunset.

Ali kind of annoys me when she’s around Roberto because she uses a weird little girl voice.  I think he makes her nervous, and maybe not in a good way.  My guyfriend who was watching with me this week thinks Roberto has something to hide—no one is that nice.  Interesting perspective.  I like a little cynicism with my reality TV as well.

Frank and Ty got stuck with the two-on-one date this week.  Frank really wanted to rub up on Ali but it would have been a little awkward with Ty there.  Keeping his hands to himself was a smart move.  Ali was overly concerned about the hometown dates, and she had a difficult time enjoying her threesome (dirty).  She handled it in the best way possible…by guzzling wine until she forgot where she was. 

Ali pulled Ty aside and basically rehashed everything they talked about last week.  He bores me (I know a lot of people like him out there--sorry).  It was interesting that she asked how Ty’s mother would feel about her having a job.  Ty said it “tickles me to death that you have a career plan.”  Condescending much?

Next up, Frank was dishing out his “secrets” to Ali.  As it turns out, when you quit your job and move to Paris to write that doesn’t leave a whole lotta rent money when you return.  Homeboy lives with his parents.  He followed his dream of writing screenplays and eating mom’s meatloaf every night.  What’s not to respect?  Don’t worry, Frankie, I still love ya.

Poor Kirk bore the brunt of Ali’s distraction.  They went to lunch and Kirk was pouring his heart out and Ali absently smiled and giggled at the appropriate times.  After, they enjoyed a lovely ride in a horse-drawn carriage which Kirk seemed to love and Ali….was staring in space again.  He made a solid effort to talk to her about her nerves, but the weight of the world (and the weight of her insane fake eyelashes) just could not be lifted.

The true low point was when Ali’s insecurities reared their ugly head and she expressed that she doesn’t think she’ll be good enough for Kirk (or anyone, perhaps?) in a year.  Ladies and gentlemen, if you were looking for a reason Ali is single, there it is right there.  Kirk did a pretty good job of reassuring her, and she finally checked in to the date in time for them to be serenaded by a lovely Portuguese woman and her two guitarists.    The odd thing is Ali thinks that her connection with Kirk is “so rare” but I don’t see anything grand between them.  I have a feeling he won’t make it to the finals—but what do I know?

Did anyone else notice that Ali wore white on every date?  Is she trying to send out good karma so she doesn’t end up alone after all of this?

Chris L was in danger of falling into the dreaded friend zone, so they took a romantic ride on a moped.  Nothing screams romance like a motorized bicycle!  Chris was terrified of killing them both, so he drove like a granny and held up traffic.  Ali/the writers of the show compared this scenario to the slow progression of her relationship with Chris.  Finally, she took over driving and slammed on the gas.

They took a break from the excitement and Chris opened up more about his mother.  Dude tears at my heart when he talks about his family.  Ali was concerned that this was too little too late until he gave her a bracelet from a family friend.  He seriously is the nicest guy ever.

Ty got sent back rose-less to Pleasantville (circa 1955).   Ali walked him out to the limo and stood in the rain as dramatically as she could muster.  That was a bit much for me.

What I found interesting is that when a bachelor is eliminated, the guys all hug it out.  On The Bachelor, the girls push each other out the door and give the loser the finger.  I miss those classy moments.   

“Three’s a crowd.”-Frank

“Once upon a time… That’s not even a complete sentence”-Kirk

“Let’s live in a tree together”-Frank (in his mama’s backyard, perhaps?)

“I can’t be the dude who kills the bachelorette.  That’s just not gonna look good…at all”-Chris L

Frank (I’m ignoring all the previews that say otherwise)

Roberto

Chris L

Frank

Roberto

Kirk