Alien Sex Abductions | How To Avoid The Probe

Icky dead aliens... their probin' days is done...

Aliens apparently abduct us on occasion. This is concerning. What is even more concerning is that during these abductions they have a tendency to 'probe' or as I like to call it, sexually assault us. For some reason, almost 100% of alien sexual assaults go unprosecuted in courts across the world, and those who claim alien abduction are dismissed as crackpots, loons, and drunkards.

We are then, alone against the aliens. It is every man and woman for his or herself. We must be prepared. We must know the enemy, their tactics, we must understand them like we understand ourselves. This is a guide to both aliens, and their probes, and may one day save your intergalactic virtue.

Steps to Alien Evasion:

Keep an eye out for the perpetrator. Aliens are often described as being small and skinny with big head and really big eyes. They generally travel in top of the line, flashy transportation, the sort of thing that really gets the ladies going. If someone who looks like this approaches you, blow your safety whistle and run, run away. Do not be tempted to walk into any mysterious beams of light coming from the sky, and if it travels faster than the speed of light, then don't get into it, no matter how hot you think it is.

Wear your tinfoil hat. Everyone knows that tinfoil keeps you from alien thought control, so always wear it. For extra protection, duct tape it to your head. Tinfoil is effective under hats and wigs, so if you want to maintain an appearance of outward 'normality', then feel free to shave your head, glue tinfoil to it, and wear wigs. This may be what Britney Spears is doing, we just don't know.

Don't go driving alone in the desert. A great deal of alien abductions happen whilst driving in the desert. Aliens seem to be attracted to flying over large areas of wasteland and beaming up unsuspecting people from their cars. If you must drive in the desert, do it during the day, or with a school bus full of screaming children or something like that, historical records indicate that no hordes of screaming children have ever been abducted by aliens.

Check yourself for implants. Health professionals recommend that men self examine their testicles, and that women self examine their breasts. You should always be self examining your entire body for possible alien implants that may act as trackers for the aliens to find you and assault you at will.

If you suspect that you have been taken and probed, you must redouble your efforts. Research indicates that those who have been taken by aliens once have a much higher chance of being taken by aliens repetitively. If you would like to be taken seriously, shave, have a shower, get a haircut, and a real job. Try to keep your statements rational, the wild look out of your eyes, and if you possibly can, get some tangible evidence. Those alien bastards have been getting away with this for far too long. Let's bring them down.

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Comments 7 comments

aj 8 years ago

This is my alien encouter.I don't want to stante my name becase this is privet.I was 16.This is one out of two abdutiones i had.This was my first one. It was about 11o'clock at night, i was just lining down in my bed thinking about my day.When i heard a bussing sound,then a blinding light.Then i saw them, ther not like the things that pepple reported.But my abdutes where about 5Ft. but thay looked just like us, thay had the same hare,eyes,throut,nose,evey thang.but the only thanges diffrent is thay had difrent kind of fingers , thay where longer and didden't have clothes on. Once i saw them I tried to move but i cudn't.It felt like i was perlised head to toe,the only thang i can move is my eyes.after that two more came in, I over herd one ,it said ( that i was a perfet specemen),then thay nauded to agement.the next thang thsy did thay took all the covers off my bed.Then thay put 4 small prisim boxes on the corners of me, then i rose about 2 feet off my bed and started going towards the window, but somehow i went thrue my close window.

Once i was on bord thay put me in this machen.This machen had some kind of horizonal lazer.Which cut away my PJ's off when it pased over my boody. The next thang i new i was lang down on a cold table.I have been laing for 30 min. whith out them notising the parlisaton went away. When thay came in thay brout some siver cabnents with them, when thay open the cabnets i saw some intements some where vary long neddles, some form of twesers ,scappules,secsers,and alot of tubes. Then i was friton, then I tride to excape.When i seted up thay grabed me and pused me back down on the table.I stugle varey hard to get up agein, but thay where to stroung.So i new it was hopeles so i gave up. then one of them put claof like subdence over and under me, the only thang that was not cover was my face. Then one of them pused a button and some steem came down from the cilling. Then i new that the claof turnd into some form of strong latex over me.It conneted me to the tabble.I was scerming my head off,because it begane to sqsase me for a short while once it stop I had vary little room to move. It feelt like being stuck in concret.The one by my head put some of the extra latex behind my head over my head.It was vary hard to breath therw the material.One of them cut 9 hose in the material,1.my left eye,2. my right eye,3.my left ear,4.my right ear,5.my nose 6.my mouth 7..my belly button 8.#1 privet 9.#2 privet. When i was yelling the surgen put some kind of black sluge in my mouth then put a meatle mouth peace in my mouth ,then a long metle tube thrue the moute pece and then down my throut. And a lot of tubes going into all the oping in my body, ther must have been 20 tubes goin into me.And a lot of other thangs to perpar me to examen.One of them conneted to my #1 privet which had claws at the end of it. The examation was extemly panful heres what i now what happen ,thay lower this machean from the siling and a 4in.neddle persed my bellbuton, and i was in a lot of pain.After 2 1/2 of having exteming painfuil examanations.Thay parlised me agien and put a light over me and turnd it on all of asodon the latex subdes was backto its ariognal form. Then two of them cared me off to a diferent room.

The room was brigly lite add it was pure white inside,there was just a small brown mat on the ground, the 2 aliens put me on that mat which it felt like cold wet clay which can stile can be molded ,befor thay left thay gave me a shot whith a surige.I was ther for about ten min, whil in that time it felt like i was skinking in the clay, it felt i sunk 2in.,then about five minets latter two alien female came in and cercle around me for few minets.Then a had a bad thout in my head. That i was going to be used for biologcul and repoduteve experments and I was right.Then thay came on me, for 2 houres i had sexual contact then it was ended.After that all of them came in and cared me off to the expmeal lab agen. Then thay black me out, next thang i new i was in my bed agen.

no,this is no prank this relly happed. i swer it.


Indigo Girl 7 years ago

aj!u poor thing!r u ok?


longgunner 7 years ago

Dude that's awesome! Were the girl aliens hot or what???


longgunner 7 years ago

i swer it, this hapopen to me two! I was also use four biologcul and repoduteve experments! The worse part wuz the laasur bem that cut off my PJ's!!!


Stepfrequenz 7 years ago

I might add, I have a slight lazer scar on # 1 privet. Did anybody have a similar close encounter of this kind, when your PJ's got cut off before probin'?


Rob2029 7 years ago

Well, I don't know about the abductions reported. I haven't experienced one. but i do believe that there is life out there in outer space,like us or unlike us. If so they are studying us as we do study mars to find out new life get it/ nothing scary or of armageddonical proportions.


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SweetiePie 7 years ago from Southern California, USA

The thing is even if someone is really abducted how are they going to sue the alien?  I do not think these people deserve compensation from the government because aliens abducted them, and the truth is they can do several tabloid interviews and make more than the average person does in the year.  If this really happens to someone I would feel bad they had to go through this experience, but there does come a point where a few people are willing to exploiting their own mishaps to make a buck, and that is just a little greedy.

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