Cooking For Dummies

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Bar B-Que Chicken Soup for the Soul

Here's a little article borne of frustration a few months ago....


I’m a terrible cook. I’d like to pretend I’m not, but anyone who knows me would know I was lying. I made some homemade chicken soup last night. It was quite an accomplishment for a lousy cook.

Rotisserie chicken leftovers, check. Carrots, check. Celery, check. I boiled the chicken, took it off the bones, and threw it into the Crockpot. Chop, chop, chop, here come the celery and carrots. I had my kid put in the spices. (it’s safer that way). Now it’s simmering. Mmmm,. …wait, I’m not “mmm”ing?

What smells so funny?

Dagnabbit. It was BBQ chicken. I made BBQ chicken soup last night. Yep. Bar Bee Que.

That’s what I get for ignoring the hamburger helper.

The microwave is much nicer than the stove or the oven. The microwave is my friend. When I peel the cover back and stick the container into the microwave for the allotted 1 1/2 minutes, it doesn't burn. It doesn't boil over. It doesn't mock me. It tastes like crap, but it's exactly what I expect.

I think people who can cook should live in a commune-completely away from people who cannot. They make us feel bad. They should live together and cook things, package them in cardboard containers and sell them to those of us who cannot cook. Then we can take them, put them in the microwave and pretend we can cook. Kind of like I do now... I wonder if Stouffers is a commune?

There should be cookbooks for the cooking-challenged population. Ones where there is a list of ingredients, followed by the 10 or 20 things you can make with these ingredients. I always forget something, or worse, I’ll come home with all these things to make things , and not remember what things I was going to make. Very frustrating.

I need a list of stuff. Easy stuff. Stuff you can buy at the grocery store, not stuff you have to call your friends in New York to get. Not stuff you have to go to the organic section (shudder) or the health food store. I don’t know what cilantro is and I couldn’t begin to tell you where to find Neufchatel cheese. It’s probably next to the cilantro.

Sometimes, I like to pretend I can cook. I’ll put a bunch of fresh fruits and vegetables in my cart. I may even throw in a few spices I’ve never heard of and wander around the store feeling virtuous. Then I get home. Half the fruit gets eaten, the vegetables become compost, and the spices get thrown to the back of the cabinet where they stay in darkness until they expire.

My daughter just asked if I would try to make stuffed peppers for dinner. When I finished laughing, and realized she was serious, I looked up the recipe. It calls for a can of whole tomatoes chopped.

Here’s the thing. Do I chop the can? Do I chop the tomatoes? Why can't I buy a can of already chopped tomatoes? Are there food recipie people that will come to my home and throw me in a commune for bad cookers if I take the easy way out? Maybe I'll get an award for forward thinking and doing what I can to avoid sharp objects!

I’m confused before I begin to shop , let alone cook. Now that think about it, I’m pretty sure she meant to say, “can you try and make frozen pizza?” Or was it “can you try and call to get take out from Pizza Hut?"

Don’t judge me. It could be worse. I have BBQ chicken soup in the freezer!



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Comments 19 comments

Wayne Brown profile image

Wayne Brown 6 years ago from Texas

You're starting to make sense to me and that makes me feel good about myself! LOL! I cook pretty good but I can never create the same dish twice in the same fashion...something about that recipe stuff just ruins the excitement of cooking for me. Thanks for a fun read! WB


granniesharon profile image

granniesharon 6 years ago

you are so funny and I bet you can cook


telltale profile image

telltale 6 years ago

Nice hub... makes alot of cooking challenged people feel comfortable. Funny too!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 6 years ago from Indiana Author

Wayne-the fact that I make sense to you AT ALL should actually scare you. Thanks for enjoying my insanity. :O)


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 6 years ago from Indiana Author

Sharon- you are so right. I'm an excellent cook-IN MY DREAMS! I actually am cooking-challenged, and that's being incredibly nice to myself.

Thanks for thinking otherwise! :O)


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 6 years ago from Indiana Author

Telltale-thank you for letting me know I'm not alone in a world where I would starve if not for frozen pizza.... It's nice to have the company. :)


gmrck profile image

gmrck 6 years ago from Idaho, USA

LOL! good read...I can cook but sometimes I also gets confused about the whole and the chopped thingy..Like the sliced pineapple and the crushed pineapple. I guess they just add to the food presentation, but the taste is still the same.


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California

Sue,

I'm worrying about the mind meld thing. We both write about similar topics on the same day...

You know this is all about confidence, not ability don't you?

Good cooks got good after many errors (peas on toast) but beware the uber-cooks, the ones with all the rules, the authors of "whole tomatoes chopped."It's a club with "keep you out by intimidation" rules.

Got another EZ dish for you,

Cheese on toast (also known in the UK as Welsh Rarebit or Rabbit)with a savory sweet twist by me.

Big bowl - dump in shredded cheese (if green discard, call for pizza) add dollop of mayonaise and smaller dollop of mustard (English = really spicy, French= more flavorful, American = milder, kids would like) and a dollop of honey (really, go ahead.)

Mix.

Stick finger in and taste. Too savory, add honey, too sweet add mustard, when it tastes good to you, put on bread and toast.

Promise you it tastes great.

Chris


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 6 years ago from Indiana Author

grmck- thanks for feeling my pain! :)


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 6 years ago from Indiana Author

Chris- not only can you make me laugh, but I'm hungry now too! I remember Gomer Pile eating Welsh Rabbit and sleepwalking. That was the only time I'd heard of it, and I always, ALWAYS thought he had eaten a small bunny.

I can't wait to try bunny on toast! :)

Thanks-You need to make a "Chris's Cook-It-Quick Cookbook For Dummies". I'll pre-order mine now.


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California

Might make some good hubs, but the hubbers on the cooking sites intimidate me...

C


Kathryn Judy 6 years ago

I have to say, that Susan does not lie. I am her momma and I recall the children arguing over who was going to cook Thanksgiving Dinner (please... not Mom!) So she comes by it naturally. Sorry hon.

But she is an excellent writer.


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 6 years ago from Indiana Author

Chris- People like the ones on the cooking sites have tried for years to make me a better cook. It took someone like you, who has recipes for real people, to make me go, "Hmm, maybe I CAN cook-one day-after a lot of wine".


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 6 years ago from Indiana Author

~aww shucks mom~


Jane Bovary profile image

Jane Bovary 6 years ago from The Fatal Shore

Haha...I can so identify with the *feeling virtuous* buying the fruit and vegetables, but as I said in Chris's hub...you have to eat them and not let them rot in the fridge to be truly virtuous.


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 6 years ago from Indiana Author

Jane- I agree with your statement "...you have to eat them and not let them rot in the fridge to be truly virtuous".

Does it count if you blend them up after they rot and feed them to your dogs?


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California

Ladies, ladies, there is a MUCH better solution.

Just before fruit goes ripe stick it in a blender. Add thick whipping cream, some crushed ice and a glass of sweet white wine. Put into little cups and chill. Trust me you will worship the ground I walk on...

(The stuff is called a syllabub)


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 6 years ago from Indiana Author

Chris-I already worship the ground you walk on.( I have an alter in the other room with a picture of the state of California above it.)

If this works, I will, however, be drooling with happiness. (Now, I'm thinking grapefruit is not among the fruit that will work for this. How about avacados?)

Syllabub. I like that word. Syllabub. Yep. That's my new word for the day. Syllabub. Thanks for that too. I love fun words.


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California

Sue,

Anything "berry", banana, peach, pear, apple (if soft)...Stay with me here, Avacado and Grapefruit, not so much. Keep to the 101 program. We'll get all fancy shmantsty later.

Tastes as good as it sounds. discovered it at a wedding when I was thirteen, first real buzz, and first hangover...

C

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