Cooking For Dummies

Here's a little article borne of frustration a few months ago....

I’m a terrible cook. I’d like to pretend I’m not, but anyone who knows me would know I was lying. I made some homemade chicken soup last night. It was quite an accomplishment for a lousy cook.

Rotisserie chicken leftovers, check. Carrots, check. Celery, check. I boiled the chicken, took it off the bones, and threw it into the Crockpot. Chop, chop, chop, here come the celery and carrots. I had my kid put in the spices. (it’s safer that way). Now it’s simmering. Mmmm,. …wait, I’m not “mmm”ing?

What smells so funny?

Dagnabbit. It was BBQ chicken. I made BBQ chicken soup last night. Yep. Bar Bee Que.

That’s what I get for ignoring the hamburger helper.

The microwave is much nicer than the stove or the oven. The microwave is my friend. When I peel the cover back and stick the container into the microwave for the allotted 1 1/2 minutes, it doesn't burn. It doesn't boil over. It doesn't mock me. It tastes like crap, but it's exactly what I expect.

I think people who can cook should live in a commune-completely away from people who cannot. They make us feel bad. They should live together and cook things, package them in cardboard containers and sell them to those of us who cannot cook. Then we can take them, put them in the microwave and pretend we can cook. Kind of like I do now... I wonder if Stouffers is a commune?

There should be cookbooks for the cooking-challenged population. Ones where there is a list of ingredients, followed by the 10 or 20 things you can make with these ingredients. I always forget something, or worse, I’ll come home with all these things to make things , and not remember what things I was going to make. Very frustrating.

I need a list of stuff. Easy stuff. Stuff you can buy at the grocery store, not stuff you have to call your friends in New York to get. Not stuff you have to go to the organic section (shudder) or the health food store. I don’t know what cilantro is and I couldn’t begin to tell you where to find Neufchatel cheese. It’s probably next to the cilantro.

Sometimes, I like to pretend I can cook. I’ll put a bunch of fresh fruits and vegetables in my cart. I may even throw in a few spices I’ve never heard of and wander around the store feeling virtuous. Then I get home. Half the fruit gets eaten, the vegetables become compost, and the spices get thrown to the back of the cabinet where they stay in darkness until they expire.

My daughter just asked if I would try to make stuffed peppers for dinner. When I finished laughing, and realized she was serious, I looked up the recipe. It calls for a can of whole tomatoes chopped.

Here’s the thing. Do I chop the can? Do I chop the tomatoes? Why can't I buy a can of already chopped tomatoes? Are there food recipie people that will come to my home and throw me in a commune for bad cookers if I take the easy way out? Maybe I'll get an award for forward thinking and doing what I can to avoid sharp objects!

I’m confused before I begin to shop , let alone cook. Now that think about it, I’m pretty sure she meant to say, “can you try and make frozen pizza?” Or was it “can you try and call to get take out from Pizza Hut?"

Don’t judge me. It could be worse. I have BBQ chicken soup in the freezer!