Daily Weird #32 Please arrest me, I'm drunk

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How drunk was she?

Most of us have heard 911 calls on the news. You can hear the frantic voice of the person who watched someone get shot, or who has been shot, or who has taken one two many shots- of Vodka.

Yes, it seems there’s a new trend. All the advertising from DADD, and MADD and SADD and GLADD (guys and ladies- who aren’t moms or dads or students- against drunk driving) has finally worked. Friends are not letting friends drive drunk. This is true even if the only friend they have is themselves.

Recently an operator took a 911 call that went something like this:

CALLER: “I’m calling to report a drunk driver on Granton Road”.

911 OPERATOR: “Are you driving behind them?”

CALLER: “Huh? What? No, I AM them.”

Sure, why not. I think the new commercials should just come right out and encourage everyone to be like this fine, slightly swaying citizen.

“Don’t drive drunk. Don’t let your friends drive drunk. If you drive drunk the law will get you anyway, so you might as well call them first ."

The police should start a new program giving free lattes to the first 50 drunk drivers to turn themselves in each night.

A lady in New York came home to find one of those “I tattletale to the cops on myself” people in her shower. She immediately called 911 only to find the guy in her bathroom had beat her to the punch.

HOMEOWNER: “There’s a guy in my bathroom”

911 OPERATOR: “We know, he just called us, he’s worried you have a gun.”

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the men of today are now officially complete and total pansies. It’s bad enough that a high percentage of men in their 20’s and 30’s seem to have no work ethic, but really, when even the bad guys become sissies it’s time to start doing some investigating.

I blame the hormones in the chicken. Seriously. Show me a guy who whines and complains and has no physical stamina… I’ll show you a chicken eater.

My advice is to always leave a bucket of chicken and a 6 pack of beer on the counter when you leave home. You may also want to keep the number for 911 in easy reach of the phone.

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Comments 27 comments

Mentalist acer profile image

Mentalist acer 5 years ago from A Voice in your Mind!

If someone breaks into my house and rips me off,I'll just call 911 to see if they've turned themselves in.;)


drbj profile image

drbj 5 years ago from south Florida

If you break into my house drunk and are wandering the halls,

I swear you'll get a blast from my shotgun right in the b .... elly!


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California

Sue,

Oh yeah, you got your groove back...

up, funny, awesome...

And

I would personally like to confess to having driven marginally over the speed limit today (I did not drive for two days after the Margarita experiment - so I think I earned a pass)

And...

I truly am appreciative of nice breasts...

On a woman

Seriously, you think the whining and complaining are the big issues stemming from chicken hormones... ?

And...

I want to go to drbj's house (Dr, what exactly now?, oh, bj. Riiiight...) to see halls worthy of wandering in...

And...

I need to take my meds now.


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

mentalist- good idea. I believe self-service arrests are the wave of the future.


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Drbj- I believe it is fine upstanding citizens like yourself that are the cause of this wave of quivering burglars. Congratulations... and thank you!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Chris- now you're just being nice. Stop that! I've lost my mojo. I think you found it and are using it to write hubs about being drunk and doing housework. Funny, funny hubs. I guess the least you could do is pretend I have my groove back... to cover your tracks.

Now that I think about it... how did Harry get his man-boobs? There may be a deeper issue here to be sure. I'll have to think on it. Since you have all of my mojo, maybe you can write a hub on the background of Harry's man-boobs. I'm sure Stan would appreciate an in-depth article on his creation.

If you're smart you'll stay away from Drbj... I hear she has a wicked good aim.

Now go take your meds and get some sleep... you have a lot of work to do!


Feline Prophet profile image

Feline Prophet 5 years ago from India

Oh dear, chicken has a lot to answer for!!


poorconservative1 profile image

poorconservative1 5 years ago

Ya know I heard about the man in the bathroom story, even though I refuse to have anything to do with CNN. But anyway, what's wrong with man boobs? I got man boobs. Well, OK, not any more. I just recently lost weight. But I used to have them. Nice and soft. I tried to get my wife to play with them but she wouldn't go for it. BTW, I drink and I also drive, but I don't do both at the same time. That's death waiting to happen. I love this Hub. Up and Awesome.

Thanks

Chuck


Austinstar profile image

Austinstar 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

Call the cops on myself? I think not! Oh well, another example of stupid criminal tricks. Good job!


Pixienot 5 years ago

Nice to see you writing again! Very entertaining.

Voted up and funny!


Jeremey profile image

Jeremey 5 years ago from Arizona

Much fun, thanks for the chuckles, although I had to check and make sure none of the above mentioned stories were about me!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Feline- maybe, or maybe the guy with with the syringe full of hormones does. I wonder if that guy has manboobs?


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

poorconservative- I'm sure your manboobs were very nice, but I'm kind of on your wife's side on this one!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Austin- You never have to worry about turning yourself in, from what I hear, there's a van parked outside your house and Kojak is watching your every move.

Shhh.. don't tell ANYONE I clued you in. (That includes the mole in your house going by the name "Bob".)


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Pixie- thanks for dropping by and voting! I've been a little preoccupied lately, but I'm searching out more weird stuff even as I type. I'm really good at multi-tasking.


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Jeremy- I edited out all the incriminating markers just in case you dropped by! You are SO welcome!

Hint: Next time take a shower BEFORE you break in and you have a better chance of not getting caught in the bathroom!


mysterylady 89 profile image

mysterylady 89 5 years ago from Florida

I love this funny-but-true hub. and I thought Chris's comment was hilarious! Thanks.


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

mysterylady- thank you.

And yes, Chris's comments add so much to any hub. I think you've picked him up on yours, and I can certainly recommed him to anyone who hasn't yet! He's really funny, and a very good follower..


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California

Thanks Sue,

It would appear that I am to be inducted into the Labrador Retriever (who knew Labrador was even lost?) hall of fame...

Lick


Austinstar profile image

Austinstar 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

Shhhh, Bob is napping, so I can speak freely. The dog did it!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Chris- you'd better keep an eye on the vampire lady.. I think she's going to blame you for her bloody activities. Stop licking and start looking.. around, go hide.. QUICK


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Austin- I believe you... but I'm not sure where the dog went... he just took off to parts unknown.. really, I have no idea at all (Check the beach).


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

I heard about this woman. Hysterical hub again! Where do you get this stuff?!? I want whatever you have for breakfast:)


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Realho- Thanks. I have pizza. The breakfast of champions.


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

Ummm I love pizza! Thin crust minus icky green peppers! I'm going to try that, maybe it will improve my writing! Thanks you wizard!

Girls got a treat today and we got icky fattening donuts! Bad! Pizza would be healthier. Maddy got knocked down yesterday on concrete! She has a large gash in her chin, scrapes everywhere! Daddy softened the blow with donuts, mommy gives fat free kisses and movie day!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Awww. Chelsea said to tell Maddy "Feel better soon". Tell her I said, "Donuts cure everything."

(They really do...well, except fat hips, they don't cure that"


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

I will you two! She will be pleased to have gotten even more sympathy! I really thought she was going to need a couple of stitches but I cleaned her up and put a butterfly band aid on it and today it looks pretty good. She has to go to the doc tomorrow so I'm sure I'll be getting a second opinion on that!

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