Dance With The Stars All-Stars -- Week 1

Performance Show

The so-called All-Stars began and I still don't know how Bristol Palin could be included and this be called an All-Star season. I also have a hard time believing that of all the people that ever guested on this show, Bristol Palin was on anyone's top 12 list.

For the performance show, Brooke Burke was actually dressed in a tasteful dress that didn't put her puppies on display for all to see. We'll see if she follows suit for the Results Show.

For those who are always crying foul that one dancer is a ringer because they have previous dance experience this season is almost perfect for them. All the contestants have previous dance experience, so this season seems to be pretty fairly balanced. However, there is one area where people could make noise. Several of Cheryl Burke's former partners are in the show this season, but only Emmett Smith gets to be repaired for her. Ditto for Maks and Kirstie and Kym and Joey. To have a truly fair and balanced season no celebrity should be repaired with the professional dancer they danced with previously.

I guess two of the celebrities to watch will be Apollo and Helio. Did they dance so well because Julianne Hough was their partner and now that she isn't just how well will they do? Helio is paired with Chelsea who reminds me a bit of Julianne, while Apollo got the short straw and ended up with Karina who a lot of fans loathe.

Another interesting question is if the celebrities who are paired with the same pro-dancer will have an edge over their competition or if the ones paired with a new celebrity partner will have the edge. A new early favorite pairing is Gilles and Peta. They just seem to click and get on very well. They also look good together. They also scored half a point lower than Emmett and Cheryl. So it'll be interesting how this season plays out.

Best moment of the night for the performance show had to be Kirstie tonguing Tom Bergeron, explaining it was to congratulate him for winning an Emmy for Best Host. Tom's reaction is why he won the Emmy. He faked smoking a cigarette as Maks took Kirstie off-stage to hear their scores.

The teams had a choice [or perhaps that choice was made by the show] of doing two dances: the Cha-Cha and the Fox Trot. These are what the following couples danced and what they scored.

Kym and Joey danced the Cha-Cha

Len says judges will be a bit tougher since the dancers have all been down this road before. He says Joey made a spectacular start.

Bruno -- I have no clue. His mouth was going a mile a minute and I didn't have a clue what he was trying to say.

CA -- Way to start the All-Star season.

Apparently, judges are now allowed to give a half point and Carrie Ann pretty much wore out the new half-point system during her scoring.

CA -- 6.5

Len --7

Bruno -- 7

Total: 20.5

Shawn and Derek do a Fox Trot

Bruno -- She's become a scorcher and she put so much into the dance.

CA -- That's what All-Stars season is all about.

Len -- Didn't feel or look like a Fox Trot

CA -- 8

Len -- 6.5

Bruno -- 7.5

Total: 22

Sabrina and Louis do the Cha-Cha

CA -- She's on fire.

Len --Needs some finesse

Bruno -- Agrees she can over-dance at times.

CA -- 7.5

Len -- 7.5

Bruno -- 7.5

Total: 22.5

Helio and Chelsea do a Fox Trot

Len -- Joy to watch.

Bruno -- Bright and engaging stage presence

CA -- No clue. Her mouth was going a mile a minute and had no idea what she was trying to say.

They get a total score of 21.5

Pam and Tristan do the Cha-Cha.

Bruno -- Wasn't enough work to praise her.

CA -- Just wasn't there.

Len -- She was like a kid on a bike who just had the training wheels taken off. She didn't fall and made it through.

Unless Pam gets the sympathy vote, odds are she's the one who will be going home this week.

CA -- 5.5

Len -- 5.5

Bruno -- 6

Total: 17

Melissa and Tony do the Fox Trot

CA -- Can't go wrong with a little Sweet Charity

Len -- A little bit too theatrical for him

Bruno -- She's stronger, sassier and sexier

CA -- 7

Len -- 7

Bruno -- 7

Tony said Melissa is his favorite partner. Probably because Melissa is the only partner that wasn't an old lady that he got teamed with.

Total: 21

Apollo and Karina do the Cha-Cha. They also had the weirdest performance outfits, complete with bracelets that flashed on and off among other accessories.

Len -- Bronze medal performance

CA -- 3,000 times sexier

Bruno -- Looked great.

CA -- 7.5

Len -- 7

Bruno -- 7.5

Total: 22

Gilles and Peta dance the Fox Trot

Bruno -- style, panache and finesse

CA -- She's missed him. Poetic

Len -- Sophistication.Terrific job.

CA -- 8

Len -- 8

Bruno -- 8

Total: 24

Bristol and Make do the Cha-Cha

CA -- Most improved.

ME: Anything would be an improvement after the gorilla dance.

Len -- Far more confident

Bruno -- She was killing it.

CA -- 6.5

Len -- 6.5

Bruno -- 6.5

Total: 19.5

Drew and Anna do the Fox Trot.

Len -- Too hard and hectic.

Bruno -- Dynamic

CA -- Be firm, not rigid

CA -- 7

Len -- 7

Bruno -- 7.5

Total: 21.5

Kelly and Val do the Cha-Cha

Bruno -- She's sexier and hotter than ever

CA -- She got a whole lot sexier

Len -- She wasn't this good season 1.

CA -- 7

Len -- 7

Bruno -- 7.5

Total: 21.5

Kirstie and Maks do the Fox Trot

Len -- Needs to lift her rib cage. Needs refining

CA -- Beautiful, sensual quality

Bruno -- She's always emoting

CA -- 6.5

Len -- 6

Bruno -- 6.5

Total: 19

Cheryl and Emmett do The Fox Trot.

Len -- Flair. Best dance of the night.

Bruno -- Always a natural.

CA -- Born to dance.

CA -- 8

Len -- 8.5

Bruno -- 8

Total: 24.5

To sum up the performance night, it's only the first night and Len looks like he wishes he was anywhere else but having to sit next to Carrie Ann and Bruno who were carrying on and letching on all the hot men and women telling them how hot they are.

Results Show

I wondered how they were going to stretch the Results Show out for two hours. First, by talking to members of the audience. Sarah Palin got two sections of face-time. Then it was to call them out in groups of three and ask why the celebrities came back and to show clips from their rehearsals. In short, pure boring filler.

The judges ask to see Cheryl and Emmett's Big Easy dance as the encore dance.

Finally, the first round of elimination finally arrives:

Shawn and Derek are safe

Apollo and Karina are safe

Joey and Kym are safe

Bristol and Mark are in jeopardy

Pitbull sings "Don't Stop The Party" to fill up some more time. It's only 9:14.

9:17 The Brookster talking to Helio, Drew and Kelly. In short just a bunch of noise to fill up time.

9:20 clips from how things went for them as they danced and after they danced. Must be time for some more results. After a commercial break. It's 9:22. Maybe the commercial break could last 20 minutes, since the commercials at this point are more interesting than this.

Helio and Chelsea are safe

Kelly and Val are safe

Drew and Anna are in jeopardy

9:27 stars tells how it will be to be the first to go. In short, more filler

9:30 the dance troupe dancing. In this time in our economy, these dancers are a pure waste of money.

9:32 If I think this is bad sitting at home, how much worse is it to be sitting in the live audience enduring this. Justin Bieber is up next to deliver upon us some more filler.

9:37 Tom pointing out Shark Tank cast members. Brookster talking to Sabrina, Gilles and Emmett. Which means a montage of their performances, last night and more results

Emmett and Cheryl are safe

Gilles and Peta are safe

Sabrina and Louis are safe

9:42 another commercial break and the threat of The Bieber when they return

9:45 The Bieber. The perfect topping on this miserable torture cake. Looks like he's wearing those Hip-Hop pants that makes it look like you messed in your pants and that's why the seat is hanging down so low. I think Dick Van Dyke was the first to wear them in the penguin dancing scene from Mary Poppins.

9:48 The nightmare is almost over. Looking at clips from the dances of the final three couples: Maks and Kirstie, Melissa and Tony and Pam and Tristan. Time for the last round of results. If Pam isn't in jeopardy I'll be shocked.

Kirstie and Maks are safe

Melissa and Tony are safe

Pam and Tristan are in jeopardy

Some of the tweets ABC is putting across the screen is making me sick. Someone just tweeted if Bristol and Mark go home after the first week they'll lay on the floor and cry. Oh, geez! I'd probably be on the floor too, but I'd be laughing and braying like a deranged donkey.

Bristol and Mark are safe...PUKE!

Pamela and Tristan and Anna and Drew are the bottom two.

Drew and Anna are safe.

Pam and Tristan are going home.

As much as I'd love for Bristol to be going home, Pam gave the worst performance. So the right person got sent home.