Emily The Bachelorette Ep 4: Nobody Wants To Kiss Emily

The gang took to the beaches of Bermuda this week for some fun in the sun and tears on their pillows. Emily revealed her lifelong dream to be pregnant and pushing a stroller with her husband and daughter in the tropics. That doesn’t sound like a vacation, that sounds exhausting.

For her first date, Emily selected Doug to wander the streets with her, as married people do on vacation. According to Emily logic, homeless people are on permanent vacation. Interesting.

Before leaving the house, Doug let the pressure get to him a bit and gave us a preview of his inner fury. He has an awe-shucks attitude that just so happens to be laced with f-bombs. This whole scene seemed to be edited to make the audience draw comparisons to Brad (as producers prompted Emily to do the same during her interviews about Doug). However, when he was later attacked by Chris-the-angry-chihuahua he calmly, if not mockingly, blew him off.

Emily asked Doug what his ex-girlfriends would say about him. His answers were innocuous like he spends too much time with his kid and didn’t wash his girlfriend’s car enough. What kind of answer did Emily expect? This is a first date (of sorts) and those are the kind of answers you give on such occasion. When he turned the tables on her, she could only come up with the fact that she doesn’t go to the gym (even though she’s a size 0) and sometimes she wears pajamas out in public. What kind of assclowns has she dated that these are reasons to break up with her? Too bad she didn’t tell Ryan these things, he would have been out the door before she could finish the word “pajamas.”

The moral of the story is Doug is a regular guy. Sometimes he uses foul language, and other times he abuses the word “grouchy” more than a kindergarten teacher. Instead of spending her time trying to tear him down, maybe she should have stuck to more relevant questions like if he owns footed pajamas or not---then they could go to Wal-Mart together in matching outfits. Now if he could only grow a pair and kiss Emily at some point…

Emily hates watching men compete, so it’s only logical that the group date began with a boat race. The losing team got sent home with Charlie crying on the bus like it was a high school volleyball game. Meanwhile, the winning team got to spend a romantic four-on-one date with the fair Emily.

Luckily, Ryan, the consummate gentleman, was on the winning team and toasted to the future trophy wife, Emily. I’m not sure why she was so offended. His coach-style speech about how Emily has a responsibility to set an example for young girls was way more offensive. I can only hope that little girls--or grandmothers for that matter--aren’t turning to reality TV for role models. Just in case, I’m going to prepare myself to fight against the Snooki uprising…

On another puzzling note, what is her attraction to Jef? For someone who is supposed to be the quirky fun guy, he seems pretty boring. It’s like she’s trying to seriously date Farmer Ted from Sixteen Candles (now that I think about it, it’s like she’s Carolyn after the parking lot scene…. but I digress). She has a schoolyard crush on him, ad he’s the boy too scared to kiss her. Not exactly the “mature” relationship she’s allegedly seeking.

Two-on-one dates are the best, and Emily chose two background players to battle it out in a drippy cave. First of all, it didn’t seem like a fair fight. I mean, one dude calls himself “Wolf” and is a “Data Destruction Specialist” (I don’t know what that means, but it sounds intimidating) and the other is good at math and hasn’t said two words the entire season. John only got the rose because he came across as confident. We’ll see how long that lasts.

Poor Nate was trying to sound like a sophisticated diner, but was mispronouncing quinoa. At least he knew what it was; the other two blankly stared at it. The entire date, he sounded like he was unsure of everything coming out of his mouth. It’s sad that he cried on national TV for no reason, but at least he accepted defeat with a touch of class.

The hot topic of the week was age. The guys in their thirties think all the guys in their twenties are immature, and the guys in their twenties spent the entire week crying about it. What a dumb conversation piece.

Chris—whose voice sounds exactly like Campbell Scott’s (Google it)—took the age argument to new heights by confronting Doug. He whined nonsensically about Doug’s over-the-top humility I’m not sure why he was so angry at Doug, nor what his point was, but Chris successfully demonstrated why these shows have psych tests. Clearly, he’s cracking under the pressure.

In other bizarre conversation news, Ryan unsurprisingly confessed that he has big plans after the show. He has high aspirations of staring in The Bachelor: Augusta Edition. None of this was shocking, except that he chose Ponytail Mike as his confidant. For some unknown reason, Mike didn’t use this information against Ryan (or even sucker punch him, which I was really hoping for) and he and his ponytail ended up rose-less and crying in the rain. At least he can write a nice country song about the experience. It’s annoying that Emily claims to recognize that Ryan is a manipulator, but keeps him around. At least it gives me something to write about every week.

Let’s talk about what’s really important, why wasn’t Jef wearing pants during cocktail hour? Anyone else notice that?

“It’s like the best vibe.”—Jef

“There’s a lot of depth to who I am.”—Ryan

Doug—Brad 2.0

Chris—I’m Taking My Ball and Going Home

Ryan—Neat

Kalon

Arie—Anti-Football Teams

Jef—Never Been Kissed

Sean

Alejandro

John—Nobody Calls You Wolf

Travis