FUNNY-QUOTES-FUNNY-JOKES-NEW JOKES-FUNNY VIDEOS

HOROSCOPES BY GARFIELD

Gemini - May 21 – June 20

Gemini’s believe in half the work and twice the fun!

Aquarius - January 20 – February 18

Aquarians fear little in life … except maybe running out of beverages.

Cancer - June 21 – July 22

Cancers prefer the domestic joys … family security, and a well-stocked refrigerators.

Leo - July 23 – August 22

Leos are brave and loyal, kind and caring. Their generosity is exceeded only by the size of their credit-card bills.

Sagittarius - November 22 – December 21

Expressive and sincere (whether they mean it or not), Sagittarians have a voracious appetite for life.

Virgo - August 23 – September 22

Industrious and meticulous. Virgos always do a good job … and look good doing it.

Scorpio - October 23 – November 21

Scorpios can resist temptation, but they’d rather not.

Capricorn - December 22 – January 19

Capricorns are ambitious. But not till noon.

Taurus - April 20 – May 20

Straightforward, Taurus always give two choices: take it or leave it.

Aries - March 21 – April 19

Aries never holds a grudge. They get even right away.

Pisces - February 19 – March 20

Easygoing, Pisces will join a gym when they put in a dessert bar.

Libra - September 23 – October 22

Fiercely independent, Libras hate rules ... especially on limits on dessert.

“The man who has no secrets from his wife either has no secrets or no wife” ~Gilbert Wells


Only in the World

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for... It is about time you became informed:

A ... Almost Boobs
B ... Barely there.
C ... Can't Complain!
D ... Damn!
DD... Double damn!
E ... Enormous!
F ... Fake

~ Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one. ~Anonymous

Nice Funny Quotes

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Relations may be based on business

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Possibilty of abusive relationships

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Look forward for huge debt in near future

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

That combination will be life's biggest disaster

* OFFICE MATHEMATICS*

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Possibility of tax fraud


Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Overworked employees will increase sick leaves


Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Boss's job at risk


Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

Increased chances of company bankruptcy

* GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS *

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. **

* HAPPINESS *

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. **

* LONGEVITY *

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

* PROPENSITY TO CHANGE *

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. **

* DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE *

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

*SHOPPING MATH *

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for items that she doesn't need.

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

The reason it is not stick to the lips is that you can move your lips. If it is really lips stick then you would not be able to ask this question.

Why is a bell only heard once it rings?

I cannot hear a non ringing bell either. How about you ?

When snow melts where does the white go?

White follows the melting snow.

Why do we call oranges orange, but we do not call apples red, limes green, or lemons yellow?

Because they cannot make up a name for oranges. May be they should name them juicies or vitamin C with peelings.

If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?

I am rest assured you cannot get Johnson baby oil from a baby squeeze. You will only hear the baby scream.

Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?

Only smoking is prohibited at gas stations not selling of cigarettes.

Why do they call it a pair of pants, but only one bra?

A pair of pants is used for two legs. Answer about Bra only ladies know.

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Waiting to enter Paradise

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said,
"I want the men to make two queues. One queue for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other queue for the men who were dominated by their women.
I want all the women to report to St Peter."
Soon all the women were gone and there were only the two queues of men.
The queue of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 kilometers long, and in the queue of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and not fulfilled your purpose!
Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."
God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this queue?"
The man replied, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."

More by this Author


Comments 56 comments

joy 6 years ago

hi Love your page...'-)


Mr Nice profile image

Mr Nice 6 years ago from North America Author

You are very welcome agvulpes,

If your wife told you to say that then you should be ashamed of yourselves. God created you to be the head of your household! hahahaha.....that is the good one I love it too.

I am working on another funny hubpage & will publish soon. Thanks for the comments & please come bank.


agvulpes profile image

agvulpes 6 years ago from Australia

Mr Nice just catching up with your hubs. I like this one very much

Very funny.

Ohh, my wife said to say that, lol


Mr Nice profile image

Mr Nice 6 years ago from North America Author

Thanks for viewing my hub grillrepair.


grillrepair profile image

grillrepair 6 years ago from florida

Some are hilarious but a few made me throw up a little bit.


Mr Nice profile image

Mr Nice 6 years ago from North America Author

Hi Tobey100,

Very funny and practical joke, I loved it very much thanks for sharing.


tobey100 profile image

tobey100 6 years ago from Whites Creek, Tennessee

Love your hub. I would like to submit the older women are so much more levelheaded than men. After being married these past 35 plus years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and made this mistake: I said 35 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, we slept on a sofa bed and didn't even have a TV, but at least I got to sleep each night with a hot 18 year old. Now I have a $300,000 house, a $40,000 car and a 52" flat screen plasma TV but I'm sleeping with a 53 year old woman. It seems to me you're not holding up your end of the deal.

Being an older, reasonable woman, my wife told me to go out and find a hot 18 year old girl and she would make sure that once again I was living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed without a TV to watch.

Older women are great! They really know how to solve your mid-life crises.


Mr Nice profile image

Mr Nice 6 years ago from North America Author

Hi kephrira: Welcome to my hub and thanks for liking the hub too. But I guess you didn't like my other hubs otherwise you will be my fan too....just kidding.


kephrira profile image

kephrira 7 years ago from Birmingham

funny stuff, I liked the mathematics bits.


Mr Nice profile image

Mr Nice 7 years ago from North America Author

Hi Tom Cornett! I am glad you liked the hub, thanks for the comment.


Mr Nice profile image

Mr Nice 7 years ago from North America Author

Comostaca crizzy! Thanks for liking the quotes & jokes:-)


Tom Cornett profile image

Tom Cornett 7 years ago from Ohio

LOL....never seen these before....LOL! Thanks! :)


crizzy profile image

crizzy 7 years ago from Philippines

Great collection of funny quotes and jokes :-)


Mr Nice profile image

Mr Nice 7 years ago from North America Author

Hi yash24! Thanks for the comment & joining my fan club.


yash24 profile image

yash24 7 years ago from india

thanks. goood funny hub. thanks


Mr Nice profile image

Mr Nice 7 years ago from North America Author

Hi JPSO138! Thanks for enjoying the hub content & the nice comment.


JPSO138 profile image

JPSO138 7 years ago from Cebu, Philippines, International

Funny indeed. Though they have a point and somewhat most of them are what we are seeing right now. Hahahaha!


Mr Nice profile image

Mr Nice 7 years ago from North America Author

Thanx fo liking my hub.


lellel profile image

lellel 7 years ago

nice hub


Mr Nice profile image

Mr Nice 7 years ago from North America Author

Hi Lgali!

I am glad you enjoyed the the hub.


Lgali profile image

Lgali 7 years ago

very funny


Mr Nice profile image

Mr Nice 7 years ago from North America Author

Hi crisis, welcome & thanks for the nice comments. Well it's all up to you to decide which combination you want. All of them has good or bad outcomes . Romance, Affair, Marriage or you want to be a daddy. Please visit my other hubs too. Good luck


crisis profile image

crisis 7 years ago from Banglore,INDIA

nice quotes now i must know abt myself whether a dump man or smart man.


kishosingh profile image

kishosingh 7 years ago from India

It is great quote. I like the employee and boss qute.


Mr Nice profile image

Mr Nice 7 years ago from North America Author

Hi Lgali,

Do you mean I am funny or the hub.......haha just kidding. You are a busy bee all over the hubs all the time. Have a wonderful day.


Lgali profile image

Lgali 7 years ago

Mr Nice Very funny-- LOL


Mr Nice profile image

Mr Nice 7 years ago from North America Author

Hi Britney,

How are you today? I am working on the hub very soon keep watching......Have wonderful day.


britneydavidson profile image

britneydavidson 7 years ago from united kingdom

thanx mr. nice for your response....yes i am eggerly waiting for another great hub from you.....


Mr Nice profile image

Mr Nice 7 years ago from North America Author

Hi Proud Mom,

Thanks for liking my hub; another interesting one is coming soon. See you soon.


Mr Nice profile image

Mr Nice 7 years ago from North America Author

Hi Britney,

I am doing excellent. How about you? In between busy, well what can I say just don't worry. I am glad you enjoyed my hub. Yes very soon another interesting hub. Thanks for the visit & for nice comments.


Proud Mom profile image

Proud Mom 7 years ago from USA

Very funny--just as you promised!!


britneydavidson profile image

britneydavidson 7 years ago from united kingdom

hello mr. nice...how r u doing?seems like been very busy???? or may be i dint whisper in your ears....well sorry....anyway great hub....i have enjoyed reading it.....looking for some more nice hub from you...


Mr Nice profile image

Mr Nice 7 years ago from North America Author

Hi newsworthy you are very cool & creative too. I loved the orange name you created "vitamin C with peelings. "ninehubs + onehub = tenhubs" I don't believe it your answer is correct you could be the new Ms.Einstein. I am adding the new orange name.


newsworthy 7 years ago

hey MN, can i leave a math one? ok, thanks. ninehubs + onehub = tenhubs

as for a name for oranges: juicies is cool. i had imagined they could be named ceelings. vitamin c with peelings ;)


Mr Nice profile image

Mr Nice 7 years ago from North America Author

Hi K@ri, welcome & thanks for the nice comment. Just to make sure people will not try to squeeze Johnson baby oil out of baby squeeze...........hahaha

Visit my other hub too that's even more funny.


k@ri profile image

k@ri 7 years ago from Sunny Southern California

Mr. Nice, Cute hub...I am glad that you clarified about the baby oil :)


Mr Nice profile image

Mr Nice 7 years ago from North America Author

I am glad I was successful to tickle some one......hahaha. Keep your eyes wide open for more funny hubs very soon.


compu-smart profile image

compu-smart 7 years ago from London UK

Very funny!! and I loved your delivery!

Thumbs up and thanks for the giggles! :)


Mr Nice profile image

Mr Nice 7 years ago from North America Author

Hi andrewpeterson, Thanks for the comments. I am glad you liked the hub. Have a wonderful day.


andrewpeterson profile image

andrewpeterson 7 years ago from Watford

Your hub really refreshed me and now i m back to work...... thanks for sharing


Mr Nice profile image

Mr Nice 7 years ago from North America Author

Hi countrywomen, with all my respect for your vegetarian life style it is your choice. I am not vegetarian because I cannot see veggies & plants bleeding......I love animal therefore I eat them too............just kidding but it is true veggies & plants bleed too same like animals.

Anyway I organized a set of vegetarian Thai recipes & hopefully by the weekend I will answer your request as promised. Help in writing a hub about India was just a joke.

I have all the pic's I took myself plus some info & rest of the info is available from internet. Therfore I don't think I need to bother you but thanks for your generous offer to help I really appreciate. 


Mr Nice profile image

Mr Nice 7 years ago from North America Author

Hi Lgali, thanx you are on great mission for my hubs today. Are you clicking on ads too......hahaha


Lgali profile image

Lgali 7 years ago

very funny stuff


Mr Nice profile image

Mr Nice 7 years ago from North America Author

Hi Nicole Winter, thanks for the nice comments, that was not my plan to let people just chuckle. I wanted people to belly laugh sorry it didn't happened to you. I guess I have to spice it up more. Please come back again and visit my other hubs too.


Mr Nice profile image

Mr Nice 7 years ago from North America Author

Hi sweetiepie, welcome back to my hub & thanks for the comments I am glad you liked the funny stuff. I like Ray Romano TV series Everybody loves Raymond, he is very funny.


Nicole Winter profile image

Nicole Winter 7 years ago from Chicago, IL

Mr. Nice: Thanks for publishing this, I got a good chuckle or two! Appreciate you keeping us all up on the funnies.


SweetiePie profile image

SweetiePie 7 years ago from Southern California, USA

Funny combinations and amusing hub. Today I watched a documentary about Ray Romano doing stand up comedy, and I must admit he has a dry sense of humor that can make one laugh.


countrywomen profile image

countrywomen 7 years ago from Washington, USA

Well I am basically a vegetarian and if not much of vegetarian recipes then I will substitute on my own. Seems like you had quite a trip. Sure if you need any help just send me a comment better than emails of which I am overwhelmed at times. I am glad you enjoyed your trip and found Indian girls cute...hehe. Yes I do have patience(and about a month works best for me) and anyway due to personal reasons I won't be available for more time on hub pages during this month.


Mr Nice profile image

Mr Nice 7 years ago from North America Author

Hi countrywomen, Thanks for the visit and request to write a hub on Thai recipes. I already finished writing one hub about "Tum Yum Goong" Shrimp soup which is one of the famous dish. Just needs to add pic's and may more recipes.

In Thai vegetarian recipes there is not much choices and varieties because Thai people only eat veggies like lots of plants or leaves, Mushrooms, Tofu. In Indian veggies you have more choices because you have several kinds of lentils, beans too but Thai people don't eat any kind of lentils or beans.  However, they use some beans to make deserts only.

I visited Thailand several times I was in Bangkok and Tokyo this summer. I also visited India few year's ago & I really loved it too, people were very friendly & girls were cute like you......hahaha. I lost contacts with all my friends in India. At that time I belong to Rotary Club therefore I visited Rotary clubs in all cities. I traveled to, Amritsar ( Golden Temple was beautiful), Chandigarh (Very clean & beautiful I like it) Delhi ( Very crowded & too much pollution ) Mumbai ( Although crowded but I liked Mumbai after Chandigarh). I will make hubs about, Thailand, Japan & India with your help..........are you helpful if I need some help.

This March or July I am planning not sure yet to visit my cousins in Uk & neighboring countries. I might visit Croatia paradise on the earth if I get an invitation from my friend...........hahaha.

Do you have patience if not you can borrow some from me......hahaha I mean can you wait for my answer to your request. I promise I will as soon as I find some time. Take care

 


countrywomen profile image

countrywomen 7 years ago from Washington, USA

Great fun hub. Btw still waiting for your Thai recipes hub :-)

Made this request: http://hubpages.com/request/10074/best?new


Mr Nice profile image

Mr Nice 7 years ago from North America Author

Kako si Tatjana,

I knew you are very smart young lady; unfortunately, you had a bad luck not to find a Dumb Man.....hahaha.  Otherwise, you were a kitchen queen at first & by now a single Mom with 5 or 6 children more than enough to keep you busy.....hahahaha.

Do you now wish you had children 5 or 6 of them? Well life is not easy married or single, we still have to make our living because not everyone is born with a silver or gold spoon in their mouth.

Majority of people start with zero & that is what life about I think. Life is a constant struggle, therefore just live one day at a time.

"It never gets easier, you just go faster."

Living a happy life is different for everyone because we are all different.

"Happiness is not a state to arrive at, but a manner of traveling"

"Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we’re here we should dance."

Every individual have the will & right to decide what kind of life style he or she want. You are married with yourself I think that’s enough responsibility itself…………hahahaha

Life is short. Be swift to love! Make haste to be kind!

Love, Peace, Light, Happiness


Tatjana-Mihaela profile image

Tatjana-Mihaela 7 years ago from Zadar, CROATIA

He, he, he, in conntinental part of Croatia we have very high divorce rate (not like USA, but...) Here on the coast divorce is still shame...but people do divorce. And very often need to spend years to understand why that happened,,,

You are right, I realized all that situation when was young and did not dare to get married & have children and become single Mum (in my country single and married Mums usually work full time jobs ) or to stay in the marriage who would be like prison. Marriage with children is fine if the both partners are mature enough, balanced, and if the both of them realized themselves. Anyhow we had 5 years of war and all traumas afterwards, so I saw that nothing on this world cannot last forever. Days have only 24 hours, we cannot create all the following in just 10-15 years of our life: perfect job we like, love. money, perfect matching with partner from the first day,healing traumas,  happy family with children, solving our living conditions (buying flat or house), great friendships, support from family...plus stay healthy and young,,, We just cannot do it all in just 10-15 years of life. Especially if the starting point is Zero... (for the people who did not start from Zero, it is easier to have more of above mentioned sooner). For living the happy life, we need life-experience...and spiritual approach (whatever does this mean for somebody)...emotional intelligence need to developed...For all it takes time.

These are the reasons I did not marry I realized I have to develop my emotional intelligence at first. And spiritual as well... And fulfill myself through the job I do...

Love, Light, Peace, Joy, Abundance, Money....


Mr Nice profile image

Mr Nice 7 years ago from North America Author

Hi Denny Lyon,

Welcome to my hub, I am glad you liked this hub. Everybody have a choice of their own but most of the quotes & jokes in this hub are really funny.


Mr Nice profile image

Mr Nice 7 years ago from North America Author

Kako si Tatjana, Thanks, I knew you would like this hub. My back is killing me because I updated all my hubs today. Can you send some therapeutic Radionic vibrations for my back? So your part of the world things work differently. What happens when a ~ dumb woman + smart man = marriage ~ does this kind of marriage ends in happy ever after or a full-blown disaster in few year's. According to your local tradition, I guess you are the smart one then; otherwise, you would be married long time ago too right............hahahahaha.

Please visit my other hubs too & give me your precious feedback.

Love, Peace, Light, Money, Honey & happy ever after..........hahaha


Denny Lyon profile image

Denny Lyon 7 years ago from Baton Rouge, Louisiana, USA

All good ones, a great weekend laugh for me, thanks! So many to choose from, so little time... like the last one about discussion technique and male-female arguments, true! Ain't life grand?


Tatjana-Mihaela profile image

Tatjana-Mihaela 7 years ago from Zadar, CROATIA

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha....

I enjoyed your Hub, very much.

I would say: dumb woman + smart man = marriage. That quote is very signifant in my country.

Thumbs up, ads clicked,

great Hub

Love, Light, Abundance and a lots of Money....

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