Police in the South: More true Stories!

Bag of Doobage!

One day, I was parked in my patrol car on the side of the interstate somewhere in the southeastern USA . I was pondering the gross domestic product problems and attempting to come up with a solution when I noticed them. They were in an environmentally friendly Hyundai or something of that nature the feminine boys and tree hugging dip-shits enjoy. It was traveling north on the interstate coming down a huge hill into a small valley. I happened to notice the vehicle swerve around in the lane as it was approaching where I was parked. I could see that at least two people were in the vehicle.

As the car passes me I notice the driver, a white guy with pallid skin, has the most apparent fear of God look on his face. His eyes were as big as tennis balls, his jaws were clinched shut causing his lips to be white and thin, like the knuckles of a clinched fist. He may as well have taken a Sharpie marker and written, "I'm guilty" on his face. This expression made me curious, I entered the roadway and caught up with the vehicle.

As I was following the vehicle and calling in the tag number to dispatch, I noticed the driver and the passenger appeared to be arguing about something. They were looking at each other and talking urgently. Their heads were bobbing and wobbling, they were acting as if they were about to park the car, get out and spar on the roadside. As I was waiting on the tag information to return from my dispatcher, the oddest thing began to happen in the vehicle I was following. Apparently the discussion that had been taking place became slightly more heated.

I could not believe what I was witnessing. I have been behind thousands of vehicles in my 20 years of driving and have never witnessed such amusement as this. The driver was shoving something into the passengers lap. Then the passenger would do the same until the actions became more heated, the head wobbling and bobbing began to escalate. At this point the buffoons were concentrating on what their argument was about and forgot they were in a compact, eco-friendly, lesbian car traveling at 70 MPH. The vehicle began to weave out of the lines, not out of control weaving, but more like when someone is looking for the beer they dropped in the floorboard kind of weaving.

Then without warning, the buffoons having both hands on the item began to push the item back and forth towards each other. They were making the motion that two lumberjacks make when one is on one end of a manual bow-saw and the other guy is on the opposite end sawing a large log into. They kept this motion up for a few seconds, all the while the car is drifting out of the lane straddling the lane divider lines. While they were sawing the log, I noticed a small cloud of what appeared to be dust appear between them. The dust quickly faded, settling onto whatever it happened to be hovering over. At the same time, the struggle stops suddenly. No more log sawing or head bobbing. The vehicle was corrected and brought into its proper lane and the buffoons were looking straight ahead as if nothing out of the ordinary had transpired.

The struggle and weaving took place in the space of one to two minutes. Dispatch returned the info and I commenced a traffic stop. The lesbian car wasted no time pulling over onto the shoulder. I got out of my patrol car and began to approach the vehicle, both buffoons were looking straight ahead. Since they were looking straight ahead and not at me, I decided to approach on the passenger side and inspect the inside of the vehicle before I make my presence known. As I got closer I could hear the two buffoons arguing with each other, but continuing to look straight ahead. They never cut their eyes to the mirror or attempted to turn their heads, only straight ahead. I found this odd and really wanted to inspect things well before I announced my arrival.

I looked into the backseat and saw nothing out of the normal car trash realm. Then I took another step towards the front seats and spied what may have been the root of the argument. There was a green herb looking substance that happened to be about the size of the dust I had witnessed appear out of nowhere amidst the buffoons struggle. The buffoons had been trying to hand a plastic sandwich baggie full of marijuana to each other. When the "sawing" began, far too much stress was placed on the weak bag. The bag literally exploded and weed was absolutely on everything in the car like giant dust particles.

I thought to myself, "What a couple of dumb asses".Then I approached the window slowly, putting my game face on planning to have some fun with these stupid idiots. Tap-Tap-Tap on the window with my knuckle. The passenger turns his head towards me to look at me as if he is completely befuddled by my presence, but I can see the terror in his eyes that my Tap-Tap-Tap struck in his heart. I said to him through the glass," If you roll the window down just a smidgen we may be able to communicate a little better". He was a white male, his skin was also pallid.

The passenger, with reluctance, rolled the window down. The smell of marihuana has permeated inside the car so severely that I was immediately struck by the odor, validating my prior visual suspicions of the substance. At this point I look past his paleness to the pale driver and say."You got your license on you"? Totally going along with their charade of "Nothing out of the ordinary here, Sir". The driver digs in his pocket, while marijuana is falling off his clothes, and retrieves his wallet. He produces his license continuing to act like nothing is out of the ordinary. When he hands me his license he finally speaks to me.

If you have ever watched Will and Grace you will know who Jack is. He is the gay friend of Will and Grace. He has the stereotypical gay male speech inflection and his physical actions are just so gay. That's what the guy driving this car sounded like. Since there were two of them I figured I had better secure one of them, you never know who will fight. (Even if they are sweet) First I ask the passenger to step out and to the rear of the vehicle. When he gets out of the car I began to tell him that I need to pat him down for any weapons or guns and direct him to place his hands on the car. i noticed he was wearing a short shirt like the "Z" snappers on In Living Color and some kind of gay hip hugger pants. When he turned and put his hands on the car I quietly got my cuffs out, then reached around (Not that Kind!!!!) to grab a hand. He gave no resistance and was handcuffed. I then placed him where I could see his friend / whatever over his shoulder while I asked a few pertinent questions about the substance I had seen.

I began by asking him," Are there any illegal substances or weapons in the vehicle". he then gives the standard answer which in reality means yes, " Not that I know of, It's not my car". At this point I began to toy with him and asked him what the green stuff was as I was plucking it off his shirt and pants. he of course maintains that he has never seen the stuff before and has no idea what that could be.

Satisfied with his answer, I placed him in the patrol car so that I could ask the driver the same questions. Sometimes, not very often, whoever the bag belongs to will confess and only one person has to be arrested, but there's more dumb asses than intelligent folk in the southeastern USA. They can't understand the simple rule, if nobody claims it everybody goes to jail and the judge will decide who it belonged to. If it's claimed then you have someone to post bail and your car isn't towed into impound, it's really a deal if you think about it, your busted take the discount!

I proceed to treat the driver in the same manner and get him secured. He gave the same answers as his friend / whatever. he was dressed the same way his friend / whatever was. At this point I picked marijuana off of his clothes and placed him into my patrol car and informed them by saying, "I will be conducting a search incident to plain-view contraband inside the vehicle, not to mention the dime-bag I picked off your clothes". They had nothing to say.

I went to the car and began to pick marijuana up from everywhere inside the vehicle, I also located the exploded baggie. After a minute or two I looked back to my patrol car to make sure my boys were OK. They were at it again, heads bobbing and weaving yelling at each other passing blame. I just giggled and went about my business of gathering my evidence. When I was done I returned to my car to offer one more chance at a confession, but again I was denied.

I told them they were under arrest and we waited on a wrecker to arrive to get the vehicle off the roadside. That was the longest 20 minutes of my life, listening to them argue like married people. Jeez


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Comments 30 comments

ferliage 9 years ago

Your kidding me right?You just get off on busting marijuana smokers who hurt nobody but themselves.

Ole Number One profile image

Ole Number One 9 years ago from Louisiana Author

I swore to enforce the laws, just as you must supersize the order, I must arrest someone in possesion of marijuana, weed is illegal you dolt! You have the power to change laws by casting your vote..that is if you aren't too stoned to get off your ass and go to the polls!

Have a wonderful day, 


jigglebilly 9 years ago

seriously, You obviously know that marijuana is harmless by the way you're laughing to yourself while you arrest them. Dont you ever feel like you're you commiting an injustice? Get some morals.

Oh, and while being a decent story teller, this story isnt funny unless youre a biggot.

Keep up the good work, Officer

Ole Number One profile image

Ole Number One 9 years ago from Louisiana Author

You say get some morals, yet in the same breath, enforcing the laws I'm sworn to uphold should be set aside because it is a "victimless crime" according to you. That, in itself is a bit of irony.

To the use of your term "bigot" correctly spelled, is a derivitive of the word disambiguation and is defined as a prejudiced person who is intolerant of others differing opinions.

Why can't you, the tolerant one, tolerate my intolerance?

Who's the BIGOT?

Keep up the good work, Pothead


jigglebilly 9 years ago

I never said it was a victimless crime, Even though you boldly put in quotes. I said its a harmless substance. The only reason there are victims involved with marijuana is because its illegal. Causing thuggy dealers to commit violent crimes over a dime bag. The government spends about 7 billion dollars a year on the war on POT alone, that doesnt include the truly bad drugs like coke, heroin, and of course LSD created by our wonderfull government. If the government legalized pot, and put the same tax as alcohol, they could make 6 billion dollars a year. If you dont believe me, check this link out http://www.mapinc.org/norml/v07/n822/a06.htm 300 economists including three nobel prize winners wrote to george bush asking for the legalization of pot. This "War on drugs" isnt working. Its keeping the prisons overcrowded and costing the tax payer way too much money.

And im not going to get into an argument about being a bigot. Youre the one whos going to have to answer for your actions Try to be clever all you want, your blog says it all.

oh and i am a pothead...come arrest me.

Ole Number One profile image

Ole Number One 9 years ago from Louisiana Author

First of all Cheech, I am not in a war. These 2 idiots were riding on the interstate, they found me. They were all over the road at a high rate of speed and they were found to have an "Illegal" substance in their possesion. Second of all Cheech, there were steps taken, that were not mentioned in my bigoted diatribe, to work with these individuals in an effort to get to the "Thuggy" guy making a living by selling the "Illegal" substance.

They made the choice to not give up information or positive leads.

What actions do I have to answer for? Doing the job I swore to do, upholding the constitutions of the state and US.

Furthermore, I don't give a hairy damn about potheads. If you are un-happy with the laws of Alabama stay out it is that simple. If you are un-happy with my dumb little stories, don't read them, it's that simple.

But I hope you would become my greatest fan and critique all my drool.


jigglebilly 9 years ago

are you familiar with the terms of use for hubpages?


In Your use of the Website and Service You must abide by the following restrictions and prohibitions on use. As a Website user or Author, You may Not:

Create Hubs that include any Content or links that is defamatory, libelous, tortuous, vulgar, obscene, invasive of privacy, racially or ethnically objectionable, hateful, promotes or provides instructional information about illegal activities, or promotes any act of cruelty to animals.

Ole Number One profile image

Ole Number One 9 years ago from Louisiana Author

Report it, Cheech!

If anyone in the Hub hierarchy says it is a problem, I can and will re-word the story without losing anything of substance. This is a hobby, most people laugh. There are always chumps that have feelings hurt and whine instead of firing back a quality, coherent rebuttal.

I stress to you, if the whole Hub Page was shut down tomorrow I would totally go to another Blog posting site. Your empirical thought police actions do not frighten me in the least.

You would need a subject to be defamed or slandered. Since the subjects aren't named and the cases have been adjudicated (Public info by the way) I think I am in the clear.

Furthermore, I am bothered by the porno I see on this very site daily, which completely falls into at least one of your weak, argumentative rules in section 4, but wahhh.

I think I can pinpoint your problem, many people I have come in contact with seem to have a problem with a human police officer having a sense of humor and voicing his or her opinions. I see things the way I see them, if I want to make it into a story I can and do. I don't like the homo life style and I can not like it as well as you can not like the illegal drugs law, not liking something makes you prejudiced, so I suppose every human on the planet is prejudiced.

I don't like dope and I will say what I want, as long as it is OK with you. If you want me to delete all my drool, I will, just give the word.

My question for you. If a police officer gets stopped in his personal car for any reason (Not important to this query) and is found to be smoking marijuana, should he be arrested or should I turn my head because he is hurting nobody but himself?

jigglebilly 9 years ago

I have no problem with police officers, infact I almost became one myself. I even have a friend that is a police officer for a major city nearby. I watch Cops daily and Kansas City Swat is my favorite TV show. I love watching people (and even reading) be taken to JUSTICE. However, the fact that marijuana is illegal is indeed an injustice. An injustice that was formed by big buisness and the religious right wing in the 20's with their terrible propaganda "REFFER MADNESS". Fortunatly i live in a city where marijuana is decriminalized for an ounce or less.

To answer your question though, I think marijuana should be treated just like alcohol.... 21 years of age to use, cant smoke and drive etc.....

So yes, if you pulled over a police officer and you found him smoking weed, then yes, he should be thrown into the drunk tank and issued a DUI.

Ahh..just finished my joint..ive got the reffer madness...gotta go jump out this window now.

Ole Number One profile image

Ole Number One 9 years ago from Louisiana Author

I slightly agree with the fact that it really is not a crime, I don't care for marijauna, but as I said I am sworn to uphold the law. I must make an arrest for one reason and the reason I do make arrests, COVER YOUR ASS that is the rule for me and the first rule an Officer learns by listening to veterans in the field or by learning the hard way. Some dope head would say I took his bag and went home if I didn't arrest him thusly documenting the whereabouts of said weed. You can deny that all you want, but it is the truth. That makes it tough to say that I did that when the evidence is locked up in a room with documentation of times and very few people have access to the camera covered room.

I would say that a possesion case less that an ounce should be a traffic citation type summons and have made that statement many times, in fact Alabama will put a man in jail for weed but attempting to elude police in a vehicle is a citation which is a non-jailable offense akin to reckless driving where the punishment is a monetary fine and a DL suspension. Now thats a deterent.

Furthermore, I have always reduced charges, at court, on marijuana cases to Poss of drug paraphernalia. This completely based on the attitude of the defendant from time of arrest until court. I give them no inkling either way I just observe their actions towards me and base my decicsion on that. Generally folks are intelligent enough to know being an ass gets you no where, but their are always exceptions to the rule.

Ahhhh...... I just stopped a guy with a roach in his ashtray I must write his arrest report now..... later dude!!!

ThatOneGuy 9 years ago

Quick comment on the "There are always chumps that have feelings hurt and whine instead of firing back a quality, coherent rebuttal." statement here.

It seems to me that his rebuttal was pretty well thought out and pretty intelligent and coherent. I don't want to get pulled into a drug argument but I think Jiggle's original point is still valid. You obviously have a personal standing on the homosexual community and it is obviously a stand against it. Law enforcement officers should be no-bias against anyone they come in contact with on the job. Pesronal feelings should not become an issue when trying to preserve the peace and uphold justice. If you bring your persaonal dislike for such a little thing as they were driving a Hyundai, there is an obvious issue of bigotry in here that you may want to examine.

You have an issue with the homosexual community if every other sentence says that the "suspects" you pulled over had something gay about them. most people with such a homophobic view should really examine why they feel that way. It could lead to a cycle of bias that could eventually lead to unnecessary violence and undeserved hatred.

I am not homosexual myself, and neither is my wife, but we can understand that people have innate attraction to the same sex and some people act on it and sometimes form long and healthy relationships. The only people who have a problem with that lifestyle are either people with such a bias against them for religious reasons, or people who are, themselves, latently homosexual.

I'm not saying you are either, so don't think this is an attack, just a comment.

I have the utmost respect for the law enforcement community. They do a job I could never do and deal with stress I could never handle, but it seems you may be creating undo stress upon yourself with your distast of homosexuals and "tree hugging dip-shits" which everyone else calls enviromentalists.

Again, not an attack, just a plea for you to take a look at yourself.

Thanks for yout time.

Ole Number One profile image

Ole Number One 9 years ago from Louisiana Author

Ahhh... finally the fag thing comes into play.... If I had not written things the way I wrote them it would be a boring paragraph... That is what I saw that day. Description is a cruel thing, in that writing I never say I don't like them, as a matter of fact the title is "Not there's anything wrong with that". I did not look at these 2 guys and say,"Hey fags they are going to jail" I saw them and their actions. The fact that they had weed is not my fault, and I was not laughing because I was arresting them, I was laughing because they fight like girls.

This is a simple humorous story of an un-biased arrest of two fags with a bag. I didn't beat them down or berate them verbally in any way, I never asked them what they do in their bedroom, it was an observation that had no bearing on their case. Everyone is prejudiced in some way. The government is conspiring to overcrowd jails is not a good coherant rebuttal. I know by experience that 99% of judges do not jail people for the poss. of marijauna unless they are simply not complying with the court where the laws are continuing to be upheld. That is junk info. No person is in federal or state pens for having a joint in his ashtray. City and county jails, yes, but a bond is set at a reasonable amount of money. If you don't have enough money to make bond then you probably don't need a sack.

Keep up the good comments,


Show me where their gayness had any bearing on their trip to jail that day. And by the way, at the local Mcdonalds I visit, there happens to be a fag who works the register and I speak with him on a daily basis because he is a person. You want a description of him?

jigglebilly 9 years ago

Thats all im trying to get at. Marijuana is not a big deal, yet every day normal law abiding citizens are arrested for it. I just get irritated when i see our country, which is supposed to be free, creating new laws everday that limit our freedom. We gave the limeys the finger so we wouldnt have to deal with a king telling us what we can do. Now we have a government whos sole purpose is to limit these freedoms....and if they dont do that...they dont have a job. So they make sure to do it. Not only do they create new laws, but they cater to big buisness, and end up screwing the consumer and middle class.

Something needs to be done before we're living in George Orwells 1984.

ThatOneGuy 9 years ago

"If I had not written things the way I wrote them it would be a boring paragraph"

I disagree. I think it would have been just as funny had you just called them dopers or pot heads. I think a storry of two dufuses exploding a bag of pot in a car cause they were freaked out is hilarious. the extra commentary about their personal lifestyle should be irrelovent. I didn't say they were arrested for being gay, just that that seems to be an issue of bias and could, in the future become an even larger issue if not examined and dealt with.

And why would I want to know what the guy at McD's looks like? that makes no sense. Also, he probably wouldn't talk to you "on a daily basis" if he read this post.

Ole Number One profile image

Ole Number One 9 years ago from Louisiana Author

1st of all, if you have weed you are not a law abiding citizen, and no it isn't a big deal. Your ire is directed towards the wrong guy. I am simply covering my ass when I have to arrest someone. I don't want to do paperwork and court is ALWAYS on my off days, therefore I am what the other people that haven't chimed in call a lazy ass cop who does nothing but eat donuts. So, you see it doesn't matter what I do or do not do someone is always watching me and know how to do my job better than I do. Which reminds me, tell me what you do for a living and I'll give you some tips on what you should think in certain situations and what your opinions should be on other stuff.

On the 1984 subject, I was reading that book about ten years ago while I was working on a military base in Meridian Miss. installing carpet in the brave young soldiers quarters. A military base is the ultimate 1984 scenario and had to have been Orwells inspiration for his descriptions.

I've noticed you had nothing to say about the guy who punched me in the eye. What you think about that one?

ThatOneGuy 9 years ago

"I've noticed you had nothing to say about the guy who punched me in the eye. What you think about that one?"

I'm sorry... what?

jigglebilly 9 years ago

I didnt read anything about someone punching you in the eye, was that in this blog post or a different one?

Ole Number One profile image

Ole Number One 9 years ago from Louisiana Author

One Guy, it's a story that's what I saw. What if Stephen King did not write what is seen in his minds eye.

I'll extend the same invite to you, tell me what you do for a living and I will tell you what you should think and do, because I know how to do it slightly better than you.

I'll throw in a bonus for you and only you. Tell me what you do for a hobby that you are in no way compensated for and I'll tell you how you should do that also.

My first advice to you is this, you'll notice the checkmark located under the ABC in the top left corner of this box. Use it.

ThatOneGuy 9 years ago

So... now you're a novelist?

Ole Number One profile image

Ole Number One 9 years ago from Louisiana Author

And don't forget this one that I ran into, you will be so pissed.


Ole Number One profile image

Ole Number One 9 years ago from Louisiana Author

No, one guy, I'm a police officer who puts his run in with dumb ass morons on a page on the internet. Who said I'm a novelist?

jigglebilly 9 years ago

there we go, i'll check it out and leave you a comment

Ole Number One profile image

Ole Number One 9 years ago from Louisiana Author

One Guy, I have a few other stories of my total intolerance and Nazi type police work available for reading, I was responding to the other dopehead / potheads comments.

Are those terms ok with you?

Ole Number One profile image

Ole Number One 9 years ago from Louisiana Author

BTW, IT man, the links are under the post comment box, if you weren't sucking on Billy Bong Thorton you may have noticed them.

ThatOneGuy 9 years ago

Well, you were comparing yourself to Stephen King, I just assumed you meant you were on par with him in your hobby.

I never said you did your job wrong. I never told you how to do your job. You arrested two guys who were doing something illegal. You did a good job. You did what you should have done. My point was the way you protrayed the story was homophobic and offensive to homosexuals. You have a right to portray the story any way you like, and I have the right to point out that it is bigotted.

If I had a blog and posted something you didn't like, you would be within your rights to post a comment stating what you think about my post.

I was pointing out a personal bias against tree-huggers and homosexuals that you obviously have that you decided to include in a public forum.

jigglebilly 9 years ago

LOL billy bong thorton. Was Billy Bong Thorton from Halfbaked or from Idle Hands? Oh yeah, the one from Idle Hands was Mighty Joe Bong

Ole Number One profile image

Ole Number One 9 years ago from Louisiana Author

I'm glad to see you took some advice and used the spellcheck. I did not compare myself to Stephen King, I posed a rhetorical statement. Specificially #3 in the definition.

rhe·tor·i·cal (r?-tôr'?-k?l, -t?r'-) Pronunciation Key adj. Of or relating to rhetoric.Characterized by overelaborate or bombastic rhetoric.Used for persuasive effect: a speech punctuated by rhetorical pauses.

The comparison in that context is laughable, and would be vice - versa.

I'm sure you have a complete non-biased life and enjoy everything you see. You have no problems with people who cut you off in traffic. Obviously you are prejudiced against people that have differing opinions than those you purport.

I don't like PETA either, I'm going to eat a huge ribeye tonight. My female wife will be joining me, if I let her out of the kitchen and laundry room. We will sit at the table and make comments on all the different people we see and laugh. She will laugh only after obtaining my expressed permission and never make direct eye contact with me or anyone.

I suppose you call Hispanic illegal aliens "undocumented workers" for fear of hurting their feelings.

You say it is a bigoted (Spelled correctly) story.

big·ot·ed /?b?g?t?d/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[big-uh-tid] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation –adjective utterly intolerant of any creed, belief, or opinion that differs from one's own.

According to this definition you are also bigoted by the fact that you are utterly intolerant of my beliefs and my opinions.

But seriously, I will argue with you forever in this forum and I appreciate your views, keep them coming.


Ole Number One profile image

Ole Number One 9 years ago from Louisiana Author

I've never seen Idle Hands, I'm off to Netflix.

You must click on "Become a fan of Ole Number One" so that you will be advised of all new Nazi tyranny in Alabama.

mr. half ass 9 years ago

free the bales!

Ole Number One profile image

Ole Number One 9 years ago from Louisiana Author

Half Ass, you could achieve "Whole Ass" status if you weren't too stoned to function. Stop eating the brownies!

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