The Golden Globes Preview! Episode I: The Cold, Heartless Mistress That is the Television Nominees

You hear that Mr. Anderson? That is the sound of the awards season. Yes, the beginning of 2016 also is the beginning of when Hollywood throws several big parties and honors the best (and safest) films and TV shows that occurred the previous year. The start of that is usually the Golden Globes (airing this Sunday night on NBC), which unlike the Academy Awards honors both film and TV, while also serving up a ton of booze and Ricky Gervais insulting people because his life his terrible. Sounds great right? Eh, it depends. But as a massive film buff, TV watcher and overall someone who has nothing better to do, I thought why not predict these bad boys? And thus, here we are. Today, I give you part one of my Golden Globes preview, starting with the nominations exclusively for TV. Yup, saving the movies for last, just like David Boreanaz (or so he keeps telling himself). But enough about the greatest vampire to ever live, let's get this party started. ON WITH THE SHOW!

Episode I: The Cold Mistress That is the Television Nominees

Best Supporting Actor (Series, Miniseries or Television Film)

Alan Cummings (The Good Wife) vs. Damian Lewis (Wolf Hall) vs. Ben Mendelsohn (Bloodline) vs. Tobias Menzies (Outlander) vs. Christian Slater (Mr. Robot)

You gotta love Hollywood; only there can you get Nightcrawler, Nick Brody and Clarence from True Romance nominated in the same categories. Coincidentally, I see this being between two of these guys, seeing as I've never heard of Bloodline and I'm pretty sure the Hollywood Foreign Press thinks Outlander is that film where Sean Connery wears the most disturbing swimsuit in the history of the western hemisphere. First off, Connery wore the swimsuit in Zardoz and secondly, the Connery movie you think is Outlander is actually Outland. Here's your reward for being 0 for 2 HFP.

Winner: Slater. If you had told me I'd be picking him to win any award a year ago, I would've assumed that everyone except me and him were wiped out by the plague and every award was his for the taking. But his excellent portrayal as the grizzled/nerdy Mr. Robot and the show's upward climb compared to the rest of the competition gives him the edge here. Win it for Dick Ritchie Clarence!

Best Supporting Actress (Series, Miniseries or Television Film)

Uzo Aduba (Orange is the New Black) vs. Joanne Frogatt (Downtown Abbey) vs. Regina King (American Crime) vs. Judith Light (Transparent) vs. Maura Tierney (The Affair)

I'd completely forgotten that most of these shows were even still on air. Go figure. Look for this to be between King, who was the best part of John Ridley's gripping ABC drama, and Light, who's in a really great, progressive show that the HFP absolutely loves.

Winner: Light. Transparent > American Crime pretty much sums it up.

Best Actor (Miniseries or Television Film)

Idris Elba (Luther) vs. Oscar Issacs (Show Me a Hero) vs. David Oyelowo (Nightingale) vs. Mark Rylance (Wolf Hall) vs. Patrick Wilson (Fargo)

Much like the last category, this is a two horse race. The horses; Elba, who might be the most underrated actor alive today, and Wilson, who's in by far the best miniseries or TV film of 2015. Don't discount Issacs either though, if only because he's about to become a megastar thanks to Star Wars and X-Men: Apocalypse. Never discount the HFP's love for stars kids; they nominated Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie's film The Tourist like eight times, despite the fact that the film was worse than Scott Steiner reading Shakespeare.

Winner: Elba. He owns that Luther role, not to mention he's guaranteed to take one of his two nominations home. Sorry Night Owl; take solace that you'll get to celebrate onstage when Fargo takes home the big prize. Damn, spoiler alert!

Best Actress (Miniseries or Television Film)

Kirsten Dunst (Fargo) vs. Lady Gaga (American Horror Story: Hotel) vs. Sarah Hay (Flesh and Bone) vs. Felicity Huffman (American Crime) vs. Queen Latifah (Bessie)

Forget the rest of the nominees (all deserving by the way); what in the world is Lady Gaga doing here?! Don't get me wrong, she's not the worst pop star ever (and, all cards on the table, I may even enjoy a song or two from her). That doesn't mean you should be nominating her for Best Actress awards, especially since the show she was in was a Ryan Murphy circle jerk towards the brilliance of Ryan Murphy. And hell, American Horror Story: Hotel wasn't even the best at doing that! Excuse me while I run away and just forget the world. Goodness gracious me, I'm quoting Snow Patrol now! Damn you Ryan Murphy.

Winner: Dunst, because there's justice in the world. Although, if Gaga somehow does pull out this award Sunday, I will officially move to Mexico and never be heard from again. That's a promise.

Best Actor (Television Series – Musical or Comedy)

Aziz Ansari (Master of None) vs. Gael Garcia Bernal (Mozart in the Jungle) vs. Rob Lowe (The Grinder) vs. Patrick Stewart (Blunt Talk) vs. Jeffery Tambor (Transparent)

Damn; this category is more loaded than the Lucha Underground roster! You've got everything here from likeable past names (Lowe, Stewart), cult heroes (Tambor) and guys who are really good and who you should know more about (Ansari, Bernal). That said, this is also a two horse race. Mozart in the Jungle is still growing in reputation, I'm pretty sure most people don't know what Blunt Talk is and The Grinder is, well, The Grinder. Which basically leaves us with Ansari, who's Master of None was the best new comedy of last year, and Tambor, who won last year for HFP favorite Transparent.

Winner: Tambor. It probably should be Ansari, but I think the HFP's love for Transparent is enough to give Tambor the nod here.

Best Actress (Television Series – Musical or Comedy)

Rachel Bloom (Crazy Ex-Girlfriends) vs. Jamie Lee Curtis (Scream Queens) vs. Julia Louis-Dreyfuss (Veep) vs. Gina Rodriguez (Jane the Virgin) vs. Lily Tomlin (Grace and Frankie)

Finger of Shame to the HFP for not giving Ellie Kemper her just nomination for The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. Double finger of shame for them not only snubbing her but doing it in favor of Curtis, a fine actress who somehow got caught up in Ryan Murphy's other dumb show released this year. Alas, with Kemper out, the category comes down to the still better than ever Dreyfuss and last year's Cinderella Rodriguez, still going strong with the excellent but little seen Jane the Virgin.

Winner: Dreyfuss. The queen retakes the thrown, and continues what should be a several year friendly rivalry between her and Rodriguez for the crown. Well, until Kemper is rightfully nominated next year and wins it from both of them. Don't make me write angry letters to you HFP!

Best Actor (Television Series – Drama)

Jon Hamm (Mad Men) vs. Rami Malek (Mr. Robot) vs. Wagner Moura (Narcos) vs. Bob Odenkirk (Better Call Saul) vs. Liev Schreiber (Ray Donovan)

I will give you all a moment to wonder how the hell Narcos got a nomination...and there you go. Besides Moura (who I'm sure was fine in a show that no one cared for otherwise) and Cotton Weary (still doing all he can to make people care about Ray Donovan), this is actually a pretty wide open field. Odenkirk will be a crowd favorite thanks to his continued portrayal as everyone's favorite minor Breaking Bad character, Hamm has a shot if only because this will be the last time he can win an award for portraying one of the greatest characters in TV history and Malek gave what might've been the best performance in all of film and TV this year as Mr. Robot's brilliant, broken lead. In short, everyone has a shot. Well, not everyone, but it feels like it!

Winner: Hamm. I don't love it, especially since Malek was by far the best actor of the group this year, but it's Don Draper's last rodeo, and I can't entirely blame the HFP for giving Hamm a curtain call. Oh well, there's always next year. Except there isn't. No I'm not a bitter Cubs fan projecting my sadness onto award circuit predictions.

Best Actress (Television Series – Drama)

Caitriona Balfe (Outlander) vs. Viola Davis (How to Get Away With Murder) vs. Eva Green (Penny Dreadful) vs. Taraji P. Henson (Empire) vs. Robin Wright (House of Cards)

Resist another Outlander joke; resist another Outlander joke! Damn that was close. Kind of a weak field here, considering that Outlander and Empire were the only shows to get any love aside from this category. In any event, look for this to be between Davis, the reason How to Get Away With Murder even works in the slightest, and Henson, who pretty much is Empire. Remember when her and Terrence Howard were poor kids looking to make it in the underrated Hustle and Flow? Is it just coincidence they went from a low budget film about trying to make it in rap to a massive TV hit about a family running a hip hop empire? This is the stuff I need to know!

Winner: Henson. About damn time too.

Best Miniseries or Television Film

American Crime vs. American Horror Story: Hotel vs. Fargo vs. Flesh and Bone vs. Wolf Hall

They might as well have called this category Best Miniseries or Television Film not named Fargo. Because there's no way on earth Fargo is losing here. Also, if I was presenting this award, I'd totally say that American Horror Story won, only to reveal I was kidding before announcing the actual winner, just so I could watch Ryan Murphy's soul die the same way mine does any time his crappy shows come on. This is why I'll never be allowed to present movie awards.

Winner: Fargo. Thank you, please drive home safe.

Best Television Series - Musical or Comedy

Casual vs. Mozart in the Jungle vs. Orange is the New Black vs. Silicon Valley vs. Transparent vs. Veep

I would give a massive wrestling pop if Silicon Valley won here, but there's a better chance of someone remaking Zardoz than that happening. Also, why isn't Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt here?! Did the HFP just decide to forget everything good in the world, or are they just trying to be cruel? Whatever the case, look for it to be either Veep or Transparent taking home the gold, with Orange is the New Black lurking in the background.

Winner: Transparent. It's the HFP darling, and until otherwise, the safest choice to go with.

Best Television Series - Drama

Empire vs. Game of Thrones vs. Mr. Robot vs. Narcos vs. Outlander

With the exception of Narcos and Outlander, this is a pretty tight category. Game of Thrones can always win because, let's face it, it's Game of Thrones. Empire is the most popular show on TV, always a plus at the popularity loving HFP party. And Mr. Robot was the best TV show of 2015, which pretty much gives it a fighting chance. All in all, it's pretty much a coin toss. Anyone have a three sided coin? Do they make those? I need help.

Winner: Mr. Robot. I wouldn't put all my money on it, but it was the best show on TV this past year, and I feel a makeup call could be made here for Malek losing out to Hamm. Expect me to celebrate this victory by putting on my most worn hoodie and blasting the most depressing Cure album you can think of. Hey, it's what Eliot would do.

And that will take care of the TV predictions for the Golden Globes. I'll be back tomorrow with a look at the film categories, which thankfully include no nominations for a Ryan Murphy production. Till then, how about Troy and Abed rapping about Christmas? A-B-E-D!

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