How To Handle Rejections, Poorly.
The following images were created using an imitation rejection letter, no actual rejection letters were injured or otherwise molested for this article.Click thumbnail to view full-size
So they finally got around to letting you know you weren't picked?
So you entered a writing contest, or an art contest, or some other sort of application that you've been waiting ever so eagerly by the mailbox or inbox for, and you've finally recieved a letter stating you were not picked.
There are three ways to irrationally deal with this rejection.
First, make a copy of your rejection letter. You do not want to destroy the actual letter because one day when you have finally "arrived" and you're sitting in your candy-cane shaped jacuzzi, drinking from snifters and bantering with your fellow successful authors and artists about your most recent lucrative conquest; you can then summon your butler to retrieve "the old book of rejection letters". At this point you can look at all the names and organizations that passed on you when you were young and inexpensive and eager to please publishers and production companies.
"Haha, look the San Bernardino Valley Authority passed up your skills back in 1998 when you sketched out a giant moldering grapefruit that was to represent the dichotomy of decimating communism while still granting corporate welfare to clearly communist endeavors. Pshaw!" Bellows Elizabeth Diana Goldworthy the famous stainless steel fruit artist, as she empathizes with your citric proposal from years past.
Now after indulging in a fantasy as exemplified above, take the copy of said rejection letter and carry it outside preferably to a shed or some other private place where your screams of agony and suffering can not be easily eaves dropped upon.
Please follow all safety precautions, including but not limited to safety goggles, sharpening of blades and any other manufacturers directions for implements of rejection letter destruction.
Generally the following order of catharsis is recommended:
1. Place rejection letter upon an old stump or some other such surface. Proceed to chop up said letter with a hatchet, machete or other such cutting device, taking care not to cut yourself, as well as keeping the letter in one piece. If you have cut it up into a cheesecloth like texture and retained the letter still in one piece, congratulate yourself as having succeeded in something today.
2. Have a fire extinguisher and metal container on hand. Take remains of rejection letter and gingerly light one of the corners, again taking extra care not to burn yourself. Watch in glee as fibrous communique smolders in effigy.
3. If you have any hair left after all these years of consistent rejection, perform hair-pulling maneuver, careful not to pull out all your hair, as you will want to save some for the next rejection letter.
You do not need to follow these three steps. You will not receive a rejection letter stating that the "record of your attempt will be kept on file, in case of future use". You will on the other hand, find it difficult if not impossible to cut apart an already carbonized rejection letter. Feel free to pull your hair out at any or all stages of decimating your rejection letter.
This concludes the process of How To Handle Rejection, Poorly. As a sidenote, you can perform this cathartic ritual for other let downs as well such as: being turned down for a marriage proposal, not getting that raise you practically had to beg for and/or watching your life savings disappear overnight because of the influx of rich kids "playing" the stock market at the expense of your retirement security. I suggest again you make a copy of the documents that signify this failure, a copy of an engagement ring reciept perhaps, or maybe a copy of the "Mission Statement" from your investment firm or place of employment.
Take utmost care in going through these steps of catharisis. You want to be in one piece when in the near future you reminisce about all the hard times you had to get to be in the luxurious state of exaltation you're in today. Enjoy!
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If you thought this was funny, wait'll you get a load of the rest of Ben's writing...
- Ben Zoltak on HubPages
I am no longer an innocent man. I am an oil painter and a writer and some days, when the sun shines through the mist in the air and the birds...
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