"I" Can Be A Fabulous Talk Show Host

"The Master" of late-night, the late, great Johnny Carson

Carson did such a great job, I think that "I" could host a late night talk show.
Carson did such a great job, I think that "I" could host a late night talk show. | Source

OTHER TALK SHOW HOSTS

Jay Leno
Jay Leno | Source
Tyra Banks
Tyra Banks | Source
Jerry Springer
Jerry Springer | Source
Oprah Winfrey
Oprah Winfrey | Source
Aresnio Hall
Aresnio Hall | Source
David Letterman
David Letterman | Source
Jack Paar, predecesor to Johnny Carson
Jack Paar, predecesor to Johnny Carson | Source
Dick Cavett
Dick Cavett | Source

This hub is dedicated to Conan O'Brien, whom I am not impressed in the least at being a talk show host ~ Kenneth


I happened to catch the last twenty minutes of a "Conan" talk show last night, and it dawned on me. If Conan O'Brien can handle the duties of a talk show, so can I. I mean it. I am just stating the facts and nothing more.

It's only a personal opinion, but I sincerely think that between the media and the gaga-eyed public, there has been this idea that somehow only a celebrity with the clout, power and know-how of (a) Johnny Carson or Jay Leno, can do a talk show. Have you ever had similar thoughts?

I have taken the time to study this subject to the point that I am convinced that you or I, if given the tools and personnel, could be seen as early as next week on any given television network "doing our own thing," and bringing entertainment and joy to millions of people world-wide.

Just what would it take for "me" to be the next super-star talk show host? I am being honest here, so read on and see if you don't agree with me.

To start with . . .

GOOD CREDENTIALS

that means "I" know what it's like to be in the public eye. And I do have some experience at being in the public with my 23 years of newspaper experience and four years of working with a community theater company that I helped to form in June of 1993. Theater will surely "baptise you with fire," if you have never been in front of a crowd. It did me. Quickly. And I've cherished those community theater memories and now I can use them toward my next area of life: A famous talk show host.

"DROP-DEAD" GOOD LOOKS

well, with this one, I shall require some hefty cash to acquire the services of a talented plastic surgeon to make my face into a face that all Americans can easily recognize without a whole lot of gawking and gazing. "look! There's Ken Avery! Star of his own talk show!" fans will yell when I walk down the sidewalk winking at friends, signing autographs and photos of myself. But I don't want my plastic surgery to make me look completely different. Maybe some work on my nose, chin and sagging places in my 59-year-old body. I would wager that most of the established talk show hosts get plastic surgery, so why should I be deprived of having good looks?

A WITTY SIDEKICK

Ed McMahon, rest his soul, was, in my humble opinion, "the" sidekicks to end all sidekicks. Not since McMahon, has there ever been a famous talk show with a sidekick as witty and charming as Ed McMahon. So keeping with the times and fads, I would seek the services of Charlie Sheen. I mean that too. Sheen is no doubt a sure-draw in show business no matter what he does. So with the right kind of money and lawyers, I could get Charlie to be my sidekick, but also fill in for me when I take one of my many week-long vacations as most talk show stars do. And Charlie Sheen still "takes a nip" now and then, so people will align him with the late Ed McMahon, so that is a plus for me.

ABLE TO WEAR STYLISH CLOTHES

such as Van Heusen suits that are shiny and tight-fitting. That means I have to drop a lot of poundage to get into my talk show wardrobe, so that is a small price to pay for my own style of fame. I also would have to wear sharp-toed, low-cut black slippers with matching socks. I hate wearing socks. But for the success of my talk show, I could suffer for two hours, five nights a week from 1 a.m. until 3 a.m. on whatever network would win the bidding war to have me on their airways. I can see it now. TBS would start the bidding at paying me $15 million a year, followed by TNT with a meager $13.5 million. Of course, being the savvy "newbie" celebrity that I am now, I'd chose TNT. Why? Because $13.5 million a year is not their highest bid. In a year or two, TNT would be so glad that I chose them over TBS, well the rest should be remedial. I am seen on CNN, HLN, and those other networks like CBS, NBC and ABC news shows holding up my newest contract of $35 million a year from TNT who said, "we love Ken Avery for his charming ways and big heart." Who could ask for more?

HAVE INTERESTING TALKS WITH STARS SUCH

as John Goodman, Hugh Jackman, Jessica Alba, Tom Selleck and Stevie Nicks of Fleetwood Mac fame. As these stars go on and on about their latest film project, novel, marriage, or television show, all I have to do is . . .nod my head as to agree with them. Say, "that's so cool," or "that's very interesting," and "hold that thought, Hugh. We have to cut away for a quick commercial." See there? How hard are these things to say to celebrities? Not hard at all. And my words are all written on cue cards seen off-stage so I "can" read and "look" like I am interested in whatever star is sitting across from me, so I know that my next level of life will be a famous talk show emcee. During the commercials, I can "network" with these powerful Hollywood stars and get extra work in their shows as a cameo star. What a great life this is going to be.

SAY OFF-THE-WALL REMARKS

at the "drop of a hat." Conan did in the twenty minutes of his show that I caught on TBS. He was in the middle of introducing a newcomer to show business when his producer walked in front of the camera giving Conan amble opportunities to look shocked, roll his eyes upward as if he wasn't aware of what was happening and to get up from his desk and chase the guy down to embarrass him on national television. That Conan never realized that as he was showing off and being down-right silly, he was inspiring me to be next on the talk show scene. And very-easily make people say, "Conan who?"

Here is a typical interview I would have with "spacey" Zoe Deschanel, of ABC's "New Girl."

ZOE: thank you, uhh, giggle, giggle, funny flowers--Ken for having me on your show.

ME: Hey, it's my privilege--hey, do you like dried fruit, Zoe? My producers told me that you look like a prune with that dress on . . .haw, haw. Get a tight shot of this dress. Now audience, doesn't Zoe look just like a prune?

AUDIENCE ROARS WITH LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.

ZOE: uhh, I'm really, like, offended at your making fun of . . .hey, a taco!

ME: uhh, Zoe, no way you even know what offended means, and hey, that taco is one of your clunky shoes that came off when you walked out here.

Then we go to commercial and Zoe leaves for home to the delight of everyone.

A LIVE AUDIENCE

or a show with computer-enhanced laugh tracks and applause. It doesn't matter that much to me, folks. I can work with a live audience or an audience of mannequins.

GREAT WRITERS

to make me look good, and my show as well. Where will I get such talent? Easy. From the other talk shows that failed. Remember The Rikki Lake Show? Well, those writers may still be floating around looking for work and Jay Leno, or Jay as I will soon call him, fire writers all of the time, so I won't be hurting for writers. I want writers who I can bring out and introduce to the audience, a new thing that "I" invented to make my staff feel more like family.

A FANTASTIC BAND

made up of once-famous singers and musicians such as Axel Rose of Guns 'N Roses; Little Stevie from Springsteen's E Street Band; and many more musicians who want their talents to be showcased for more than ten seconds. I will give my band at least two musical numbers to do on every show. Now is that not nice or what? Would Letterman or Conan do that? I don't think so.

LAVISH PUBLICITY STUNTS

such as having a drawing for my first five shows to give away to five lucky audience members, a brand-new fishing boat by Ranger or a two-day cruise to lower Miami or even a gift certificate for their favorite eatery. I think I got this thing made, friends.

AND AS FOR HUBPAGES

I won't desert you. I will devote an hour or two each night to sit down at my laptop and write a hub about that day's show or whom I interviewed or whom I am going to dinner with that next night. And do not worry. I promise you that all of this new-found fame and glory will not change me in the least. You have my word on it.

Oh, my wife (for now), Pam has said to me if I do this, "you might as well get a good divorce attorney," did you see that? It's already happening. I am being threatened with a nasty divorce.

That is a sure-sign that being a talk show host is my next gig.

Why a nasty divorce can be seen as a sign? Just read about Johnny Carson. He was married and divorced five times.

See you in Hollywood.

If Conan O'Brien can do a talk show

So can I.
So can I. | Source

More by this Author


Comments 35 comments

writinglover profile image

writinglover 3 years ago from Lost...In Poetry

This was a great and fun to read! One question: if you did get a specific time slot, would it be a ten, eleven, or midnight slot? Lol!


catgypsy profile image

catgypsy 3 years ago from the South

I think you're right on the mark Kenneth, but I disagree that you have to be handsome...uh, no offense, but Leno, Conan, Springer...good looking? Not in my book, but maybe it's just me. Anyway, I think you'd make a great talk show host, but I want to be your sidekick!


Mhatter99 profile image

Mhatter99 3 years ago from San Francisco

I'd laugh but I was one of the top ritualists for the masons. Not Martin! :))

Good job on this. Enjoyed. Thank you


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear writinglover,

"eleven." The reason being that people are drowsy, but not completely nodded off, so eleven would be the ideal hour for me. And YOU could be my guest on occasion to talk about your latest novel. Deal?


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dearest Catgypsy,

"Thank you so much for the sweet comment and valuable support." "I would do my best to keep people on the edge of their seat and sanity with the stunts "WE" would do.

You as my sidekick was understood, my dear.

I say with about six months of work and talking to the right people, we can be on our way and take writinglover and madhatter along too!


writinglover profile image

writinglover 3 years ago from Lost...In Poetry

Deal! :)


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hey, MHatter,

Thank you kind friend, for the comment and warm support. I appreciate it so much and you, writinglover and catgypsy are hired!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

@ writinglover,

Uhhh, could you manage to pick me up for our rehearsals? I will reimburse you when I get my hefty check from TNT. Deal?


writinglover profile image

writinglover 3 years ago from Lost...In Poetry

That's also a deal! :) *warms up her twelve year old Honda*


Sueswan 3 years ago

Dearest Kenneth,

Here's Kennnnnnnnnnnnnnny!

Johnny Carson was my favorite.

Voted up up and away.

I hope you are doing well my friend. :)


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Okay, writinglover . . .I will be the one standing on the side of Interstate I-22 east out of Tupelo, Mississippi, wearing a Crimson jacket that says, "Hollywood or Bust," and jumping up and down. Can you remember all of these complex instructions?


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dearest Susan . . .mine too. Johnny "was" everything that was in a talk show host. And more. Good looks, charm, warm disposition, head full of hair, witty, friendly and rich. I "could" work on all of these except the "rich" part, and that will come in time. Thanks for your support. And votes!!!!


writinglover profile image

writinglover 3 years ago from Lost...In Poetry

Yes, if my cold doesn't overcome me first.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear writinglover,

I know that feeling well. Been hackin' and yakkin' because my chest has congestion--cough some, throat tickling, and not fun, no ma'am. But when "I" become famous talk show host of "The Ken Avery All-Nighter Show," with you as my producer . . .a simple thing as a cold will not keep the show from going on.

Right?


writinglover profile image

writinglover 3 years ago from Lost...In Poetry

Right. A simple cold cannot keep Wonder Woman down either!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Amen, writinglover,

"You" are an amazing, (w0nder) Woman. Invincible and empowered. No wonder that "I," Superman, hold you up to such a level of esteem. You are THE BEST!


writinglover profile image

writinglover 3 years ago from Lost...In Poetry

You are too! :)


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

January 15

Dear writinglover: Sorry for being so slow. "I" had to go to China and rescue some workers who were trapped underneath a few tons of snow. But thank you for the sweet reply above . . .you must be Wonder Woman, for when you talk like this, "I" get weak in the knees. And you know that Superman WONT LIE!


writinglover profile image

writinglover 3 years ago from Lost...In Poetry

Don't let Lex Luthor know! :)


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dearest writinglover,

I won't. I promise. YOU DO NOT need to be associated with LL.

Deal???


writinglover profile image

writinglover 3 years ago from Lost...In Poetry

Deal!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

writinglover . . .one more thing. Not a word to Lois Lane about you and I and our secret identities. I confess. Lois is okay, but has a jealous streak that makes my skin crawl. Just saying.


writinglover profile image

writinglover 3 years ago from Lost...In Poetry

*shivers*


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

writinglover,

Wow! Shivering too. And in all of your encounters with female villains, you've never seen Lois on one of her jealous displays . . .and afterwards, she weeps and apologizes . . .uh, oh! Split personalities!!! OMGosh!


writinglover profile image

writinglover 3 years ago from Lost...In Poetry

Those can be tricky. Guess I'll have to explain to the Amazons that I have to stay on Earth for a little while longer.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

January 23

sorry for me being late.

"Please," DO stay on earth as long as you want. For me. I will help you talk to the Amazons. I have a way with that special gender of people.


writinglover profile image

writinglover 3 years ago from Lost...In Poetry

The Amazons understood. So now I'm secretly monitoring Lois Lane and her sporadic jealous displays.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

:) good! I always found the Amazons to be thinkers on higher levels even beyond that of us Super humans. Thanks a lot for that. And I wont trigger Lois' jealousy on purpose--but I admit, I am very fond of you and your brunette hair.


writinglover profile image

writinglover 3 years ago from Lost...In Poetry

Thanks! I'm fond of you as well, so I would hate to see you be a victim of Lois's jealousy.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear writinglover,

Awww, how sweet. And I am blushing from your powerful compliment. And I am SERIOUS. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!!! :) x 1000


writinglover profile image

writinglover 3 years ago from Lost...In Poetry

You're welcome! :)


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

@ writinglover,

you, my WONDER-ful (young) woman friend, I appreciate you so much for cheering me up in these comment boxes. I wish I had enough adequate words to thank you, but alas, I do not. I am sorry.

Hope that your night is filled with peaceful dreams, moonbeams and wisdom to separate things that are not as they seem.

For you, writinglover, are not a victim of random chance by being here in my comment boxes. It was sheer power, a silent power of the universe.

A power that no mortal can tame, nor understand.

Thats how much YOU mean to me, Dear friend.

:) Love you LOTS,

Kenneth


writinglover profile image

writinglover 3 years ago from Lost...In Poetry

Love you back, my friend! :)


Kenneth Avery 3 years ago

Writinglover . . . :) thank you so much for making my day. I will be listening with my super hearing for your cry for help if you get into trouble, but now I have to fly to London to take on a gang of art thieves . . .up, up and AWAAYYYYY!


lupine profile image

lupine 3 years ago from Southern California (USA)

Kenneth, I will admit I was a little slow in reading this hub...I loved it, it's you! You have it all planned out perfectly... a late night show host, I would watch you every night. I would even go see you in person, Hollywood is only about 2 1/2 hours from here.

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