Lindsay and Britney - Hollywood's Queens of Rehab

Rehab, it's a place to get clean, to turn your life around, to dream the dreams you used to dream and to get high on life. Celebrities end up in rehab more than your average bear because for some reason, having everything you ever dreamed of tends to make you try and mess it up entirely.

I guess the reason for that is something they discuss in LA's many rehab facilities. In light of the recent spate of DUI's I'm halfway considering moving to LA and opening a facility myself.

Two of the most famous young celebrities to grace a rehab facility are Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears. Between them they made Sandra Bullock's character in the movie 28 Days look like a perfect rehab candidate.

Britney went to rehab after shaving her head bald and being pressured by her manager and Kevin Federline who threatened to go for full custody, knowing very well that he would probably get it after Britney's spontaneous transformation into an enraged umbrella wielding zombie, not to mention her public displays of genital nudity.

Britney insisted the entire time that she didn't need to be in rehab, that her problems stemmed from post partum depression, and that she drank herself under the table in moderation only. After trying to kill herself with a bed sheet, Britney was released and is now making a poor semblance of a comeback, performing small shows in which she reportedly lip syncs, chews gum whilst 'singing', and stares vacantly into space. Not what you might call a total success.

Lindsay on the other hand, went into rehab after doctors said that her liver was so messed up that they were surprised she was still alive.

Lindsay was totally enthusiastic about her rehab experience, as was her mother, who flew across the country with a team of reporters, torturing them the whole way by telling them how proud she was of her daughter for getting her life together.

Now her closest friends are selling her out, saying that she likes to strip down to her thong and snort cocaine off toilet seats whilst telling everyone who she's sleeping with in loud and proud tones.

Sometimes, Rehab just isn't enough. Normal rehab anyway. What these queens need is a good dose of hardcore rehab, preferably at a facility located somewhere in Russia where they're not so concerned with human rights and are much bigger fans of corporal punishment. A good caning. That would help.