Nothing Makes Me Feel More Like An Apeman Than Intelligent Handdryers In Public Bathrooms

Me No Understand, Why You No Work?

Ooo, eee eee, ooo, me want hands dry? Yes I know, my caveman nose hairs are showing.
Ooo, eee eee, ooo, me want hands dry? Yes I know, my caveman nose hairs are showing.
COME ON! MOHAMMAD & MOSES turn on for the love of God!!!
COME ON! MOHAMMAD & MOSES turn on for the love of God!!!

I Think I'm So Sophisticated & So Civilized

Ever have this experience? You're at a classy restaurant, you excuse yourself from your gorgeous date. "Pardon me sugar, I gotta run to the restroom, be right back!".

You swagger when you walk because you got some dough in your wallet and a hotty back at the table. You are on cloud 9 my friend. You may have just finished talking about the different nuances between Pinot Noir and Pinot Gris and oh yes, I love a Gris when I'm eating roast beef but never with white fish, blah blah blah. My you're an intelligent dog aren't you! My you just might be the most interesting thing to ever strut his stuff to the restroom. You pat your back just before you enter the men's room.

So you finish using the urinal, peeing ever so cleverly on the strawberry urinal cake that smells like a teenage gutter punk who's been smoking cheap cigars and hanging out at adult toy stores. You be sure to wash your hands, not like that other guy who just left the urinal and made a bee line out the door, apparently he's in a hurry to spread hepatitis to his dinner guests! But not you, no sirree! You are civilized! You are the pinnacle of human culture and education!

Now that your hands are washed you reach over to push down the hand dryer and get a paper towel to dry your hands. But wait? Where's the lever? Oh this must be one of those new Modern hand dryers with the motion sensor that recognizes you are ready to dry your hands. You shake your hands a little in front of the dryer to trip the sensor. Nothing.


I want to sail away to a distant shore, and be like and apeman! (Ray Davies & The Kinks)

You announce loudly, "Hello hand dryer! I am ready to dry my hands NOW!" Just in case it measures sound. You wait. Nothing. You discreetly look in the mirror and over your shoulder to make sure no one is watching you. You are a Modern man of integrity and good breeding, of course you will be able to maneuver this simplest of technological feats. You shake your hands in front of the sensor again. Still nothing.

Now you're getting a little upset. You're melting down a little. You start to wag your hands vigorously, even putting your hips into it a little. "Come ON!!!" you announce to the robot hand dryer, "LET'S GO, COME ON YOU MOTHER OF PEARL". Still nothing, the hand dryer stares you back in the face, menacingly.

Just then a little boy walks into the bathroom. He pees in the urinal and without even washing his hands, he swaggers over to the hand dryer, smacks a button on the side, and the blow drying hand dryer kicks in with a "wirrrrrr", drying off the remainder of the urine from the little boys hands.

You head back to your table and your date asks, "What took you so long babe?"

"Nothing." You reply. "Waiter, I'll take a shot of Jameson please." You toss the Irish Whiskey back and say to your date, "You know it's true what Ray Davies and the Kinks say..."

"What's that?" Your delicious dish of a date asks.

"In man's evolution he has created the city and the motor traffic rumble, but give me half the chance and I be taking off my clothes and living in the jungle!"

"What? You're going to live in the jungle?" She replies.

"Never mind." You wave your arm like an orangutan, "Waiter! Bring me another!"

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Comments 18 comments

BeccaHubbardWoods profile image

BeccaHubbardWoods 6 years ago from Outside your window...

LMAO! That was one of the greatest I've read. I loved every second of your hub. Thank you for making my day.


Ben Zoltak profile image

Ben Zoltak 6 years ago from Lake Mills, Jefferson County, Wisconsin USA Author

Thanks Becca! It's almost entirely true!


Green Lotus profile image

Green Lotus 6 years ago from Atlanta, GA

This is a scream! Glad I don't have to use the gent's toilet.


Ben Zoltak profile image

Ben Zoltak 6 years ago from Lake Mills, Jefferson County, Wisconsin USA Author

Thanks Green Lotus, I've been meaning to write this one for awhile. Trying to have some more fun by avoiding writing "How To's" all the time!


Dolores Monet profile image

Dolores Monet 6 years ago from East Coast, United States

Ben, I loved this hub and I love Apeman. You are a wonderful, engaging writer. I think I'll just sit here, lingering at your hub so that I can listen to the rest of the song.


Catherine R profile image

Catherine R 6 years ago from Melbourne, Australia

What a wonderful, funny and engaging writer you are! Loved this hub and am about to read some more of you.


Ben Zoltak profile image

Ben Zoltak 6 years ago from Lake Mills, Jefferson County, Wisconsin USA Author

Thanks Dolores and Catherine, now let's see if I have the staying power that can come close to either of you two! Anybody can write an article or two, I'll keep at it though thanks for the encouragement!


Niteriter profile image

Niteriter 6 years ago from Canada

Listen Ben, you plagarized the words "it", "in" "the" and "on" from one of my Hubs here. I want a share of the revenue on this one, buster; I have lawyer friends too, you know!


Ben Zoltak profile image

Ben Zoltak 6 years ago from Lake Mills, Jefferson County, Wisconsin USA Author

Haha! You got us all laughing here at the Zoltak household! Thanks Nitriter!


Storytellersrus profile image

Storytellersrus 6 years ago from Stepping past clutter

Wait! My comment was inhaled by the apeman before I had a chance to edit it! Argghh.

Evidently my theory of height and bathroom equipment activation was instantaneously eliminated. Such a loss. I had eyewitness accounts to back me up.


Ben Zoltak profile image

Ben Zoltak 6 years ago from Lake Mills, Jefferson County, Wisconsin USA Author

Yes I know my nostrils are huge! There may be solid logic behind your height and bathroom equipment activation theory, I'd look into if I were you!


poetlorraine 6 years ago

we have those dryers in the toilets where i change the old people, if i just step one pace backwards sometimes it comes on. Every time i nearly jump out of my skin with shock, it is so loud.... and the patient usually says, help


Ben Zoltak profile image

Ben Zoltak 6 years ago from Lake Mills, Jefferson County, Wisconsin USA Author

My wife and I had a good laugh this morning at your comment and I'm still laughing as I write this, "the patient usually says,help" marvelous, just hilarious! Thanks for stopping by poetlorraine.


Mike Lickteig profile image

Mike Lickteig 6 years ago from Lawrence KS USA

With me, the problems begin way before I get to the hand dryer. You go to the sink and wave your hands under the faucet. Nothing. You pound on the top of it (some require you to do that, y'know...) Nothing. There is no knob or lever to turn. You wave your hands under the faucet again. The gyrations get more dramatic, until finally.....

A stream of ICE-COLD water pours out on your hands, sending a chill down your back. You recoil in anguish as water flies everywhere, including on your shirt.

You're then ready for the hand dryer.....


Ben Zoltak profile image

Ben Zoltak 6 years ago from Lake Mills, Jefferson County, Wisconsin USA Author

Hey Mike, Ha, LOL, I'm right there with you bud. All those things, it just makes you feel like some sort of nincompoop when you can't get them to work. I will try your Fonzie technique next time I run into one of these technological wonders

thanks for stopping by man


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 6 years ago from England

Hi, Ben really funny. you reminded me of a friend of mine who went into the nightclub toilets and he was ages. When we peaked around the corner (checking no one else was there of course!!) he was trying to get water out of the faucet. they were auutomatic, you waved your hand and the water came out. Not. the fourth one did, but he had his hand under the first one, then he tried the second one, and the fifth one came on! so, as he was slightly enebriated, ever so slightly you understand... he decided to make a run for it, from one to the other, to see if he could catch the water. Well, you can imagine, we were in hysterics, by the time he had finished, we were on the floor, and could'nt get up for laughing. Great night out, just in the bathroom!! cheers nell.


Ben Zoltak profile image

Ben Zoltak 6 years ago from Lake Mills, Jefferson County, Wisconsin USA Author

Thanks Nell, your friend sounds like a kindred spirit. Inebriation does seem to amplify the effect!!!

Thanks for the compliment.


Ben Zoltak profile image

Ben Zoltak 6 years ago from Lake Mills, Jefferson County, Wisconsin USA Author

This is without a doubt, one of my favorite Hubs! Viva HubPages.Com !!!

Ben Zoltak

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