Once Upon A Time -- A Tamonster Comes To Town

Original Airing: March 24, 2013

If you were wondering what happened to August [I wasn’t] this is the episode you found out. It was also an episode where the dreams of shippers for Emma and August had their dreams die a thousand deaths.

Neal brought his girlfriend, Tamara, henceforth known as the Tamonster, to Storybrooke. He told her the truth about himself and she acted like she didn’t believe him. The key word is acted, which is what she’s been doing from the moment she met him. She appears to be some kind of magic vampire who seeks to steal the magic from others. She saw him with August, who she knows has some connection to magic, and faked a first meeting and the rest as they say is history. It was one of those great Neal moments when you see what a spud he truly is as he whined about if the curse ended Rump would remember who he was and come looking for him.

Snow Blight was still moping around because she tricked Regina into killing her own mother and now has a black spot on her pure little heart. She went out in the woods to shoot arrows in some innocent tree she’s probably doing major damage to and will bring about its premature death, but let’s not tell her that or she’ll be moping about killing an innocent tree. Her brainless boob husband thinks all will be better once they return to their own land and make it all like it never happened.

Anyway, Blight finds a dilapidated trailer in the woods and finds that wooden August is living there ashamed to face his father for what he became out in the big bad real world. She goes to Marco to tell him about August and they go to the Blue Fairy to see if she’ll change him back to human, again, but she says alas she cannot because he hasn’t been brave, selfless and true.

It’s as this point Marco attaches his lips to Blight’s smelly backside paying homage to her and begging her forgiveness. He confesses he lied about how many people could fit into the wardrobe and she’s affronted because of his lie it prevented her from being a real mumsy to little Emmakins and hauls off and slaps him. Then she tries to conquer that black spot on her heart and forgives him. What gets me is she really feels no guilt that she and hers were the cause of the curse and she thinks it’s her right to escape the curse that was being laid on the land because of her while everyone else should have to stay behind and suffer for her.

Her daughter isn’t much better. She was whining to Henry that she can’t stand him pushing her away, but she has no problem with him doing it to Regina. In fact, she relishes it, and Regina’s been a mother like 99% longer than this drip has been playing mommy.

As August’s present tale of woe unfolds, his past is revealed. He woke up one morning and discovered one of his legs had turned wooden. He went to the hospital and to the human eye his leg was normal and find. He ran into someone in the hospital who told him about a man called The Dragon. The Dragon knew who he really was and could see what was wrong with his leg. He said for the string necklace August wore around his neck and $10,000 he could give him a vial that would make his leg go back to normal but for a permanent cure he must find it within himself what he must do to cure himself.

In a bar nearby, August runs into Tamonster and the encounter is just as accidental as the one she’ll have with Neal in the near future. She claims she went to The Dragon to cure her of her cancer. She also makes sure that August sees the wad of cash in her purse while she excuses herself. Just as she hoped, August steals it and returns to The Dragon to purchase his cure. However, Tamonster is waiting for him when he comes out and steals if from him. Then she goes back to The Dragon to confront him because the vial contains magic. The Dragon starts smoking red smoke planning to give her what she so richly deserves only she uses some device on him that seems to suck him dry of his magic and life force.

In present day Storybrooke, Tamonster visits August in his trailer and says if he leaves Storybrooke and never returns, he can have what’s left of the magic vial and he agrees. Then he sees a photo in the car of Tamonster and her granny and realizes it was Tamonster who killed The Dragon. He goes to the sheriff’s office looking for Emma, who surprise isn’t there as she’s never there and usually Big Daddy Charming is spinning in her chair behind the desk pretending like he’s the sheriff. He calls her up and tries to warn her about Tamonster, only Tamonster is standing behind him and uses her device on August. He stumbles out of the sheriff’s office and with his last strength he tries to warn Emma about Tamonster.

Blight realizes that in his last act August was brave, unselfish and true so the Blue Fairy waves her magic wand and transforms him back into a human; only she makes him a little boy again. He’s a cute little boy, far cuter than Henry. Of course, little August has no memory of Tamonster, so the little magic sucking vampire queen is safe for the moment.

Regina realizes that Greg Mendell is Owen. She tries to convince him she hasn’t aged a day in almost thirty years because she uses the right face cream. He says he’s not leaving until he finds his father, who she claims left right after him. She also basically tells him to get out of Dodge, pronto. Re-ge-ge, better watch it, because Owen has a very nasty partner working with him. It’s Tamonster who comes to his room and greets him with a tongue bath.

As for Neal. What a schmuck!

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