Proof that Vampires are Real and Alive Today
Whether stalking for fresh blood in shadowy Victorian alleyways, secluded gothic villages or the cafeteria at Boston Latin School, vampires have gotten more than their fair share of attention throughout the ages. No matter how low a vampire ducks from the light, there are sure to be gossipy cheerleaders, amateur sketch artists and script writers not far behind, observing at a distance great enough to avoid certain death.
Although vampires are often associated with the past, a fairly un-elite group of cretins gifted with spying abilities par-excellence have been tracking vampires in modern times. Shockingly they have found a new rising population of young neck-suckers infesting middle schools and high schools across America, the UK and Japan, just to mention a few hot spots.
The most worrisome aspect of this “new blood” is by far how immortality leads to population explosions. The average vampire of today stalks the earth for roughly 1,500 years among women and 1,400 among men. Alas, although immune to the aging process when properly fed, even an immortal being is susceptible to accidents and human attacks.
The life expectancy of vampires has been climbing dramatically for the last hundred years.
Hunting Methods and “Sweet Jumps” to Distant Lands
In
the past vampires were notoriously lazy in their hunting methods. Obese
families were targeted and one by one a vampire would pick off their
prey. Vampires followed the “women and children first” rule when
hunting humans as taught by the hunters that came before them. Plump
girls were the first target when available due to the ease of kill and
a fairly decent payoff of fresh blood. At times problems would arise
when the man of the house, who was most likely to be skilled with
weapons, came to expect the vampire’s visit. Due to arrogance and a
slacker mentality vampires failed to realize that it was advantageous
to take out the biggest threat first. It only took one lucky townsman
with a stake to end a great run.
Using improved modes of
transportation such as subway, hearst and private jet, modern vampires
have drastically improved their hunting methods. They still favour
towns and villages with tiny populations to minimize the probability
they will be spotted or cornered by an angry crowd. The most common
strategy is now “bite and run”. A quick kill out of nowhere certainly
makes waves however it’s always superior to sticking around and meeting
with possible suspicion or worse. The vampire to last the longest is
likely the best traveled and the least seen.
Teen Vampires – Early Deaths May Save Us
As threatening as the thought of hordes of teenage vampires hanging out in coffee shops and mother’s basements is, they are very prone to attack. Even a human jock can seriously injure a teen vampire with a few swift blows. Unlike their forerunners this new breed is more likely to sulk while listening to Sisters of Mercy than to get revenge and go on the run. They see older, more seasoned vampires as brainlessly violent, power-hungry “sell-outs”.
Their survival also comes into question when young vampires persist in hanging out with humans at school that don’t subscribe to the gothic lifestyle. When the fridge opens and a vampire is offered “Sunny D” or the “Purple Stuff” by a friend’s mom, these weaned teens reach for the “Purple Stuff” as they deny their true nature, which is to slash everyone in a twenty foot radius to death and go into a feeding frenzy.
Older vampires find the teen’s willingness to mingle with human as pathetically idealistic and all too tempting. Any vampire of any stature is at a vampire resort in their eyes. Most vampires past their wide-eyed “emo” youth have abandoned the idea of trying to improve the acceptance of vampires among humans. All they yearn for are rare opportunities where they can bask in the darkness, sipping on sweet blood cocktails and feasting upon menu items we as people would rather not imagine.
Legend Is Our Evidence
At the end of the day, hard facts and critical thinking are for nerds. The legends of vampires alone prove their existence. Really, who in their right mind, would draft tales of Vlad Tepes Dracula, Gilles de Rais alias Blue Beard and Rasputin without powerful antipodal evidence guiding their path?
If a cheerleader screams and claims she saw a vampire rustling around in the bushes, don’t be the idiot tough-guy, quick to walk over to the scene and prove her wrong. Surely you’ve seen this guy get killed in every camp horror flick ever produced. Again, don’t be “that guy” or “that girl”.
Warning for Teens
If you are still in school, beware of those who drink the “Purple Stuff” when offered “Sunny D”. No matter how hilariously goofy, the teen vampire cannot be trusted.
