Socks: Freedom Fighters of the Clothing World

Socks form a chain to escape the dresser drawer.
Socks form a chain to escape the dresser drawer.

There is no article of clothing with a greater lust for freedom than the sock. From the day they are born they are trying to get away. Secretly plotting to escape, whether alone or as a pair, they are surprisingly resourceful and sneaky. I would say they are little sneakers, but sneakers are shoes, and I wouldn't want to confuse you.

The plight of the sock is dire: it is a dire plight. From the earliest age they enter into a prearranged, forced marriage and a life of servitude, working in smelly, sweaty conditions with poor or no lighting and little if any ventilation. But the sock spirit is not broken. Hosiery continually tries to escape its imprisonment and life of hard labor, and, as at right, will go to great lengths to effect its getaway.

The Secret Life of Socks

Socks, a mammalian counterpart to the earthworm that has been bred to the task of invaginating the foot for human comfort and prophylactic protection, are simultaneously male and female, but need another sock to reproduce. Socks are extremely private individuals, so much so that I was unable to catch any of them in the act for this article. However, when socks are balled, that's not it. Balled socks are doing the sock equivalent of holding hands.

While your socks are in your sock drawer they may be trying to reproduce. Although socks have a very short gestation perioid, they have such a poor rate of reproductive success in the wild that you very rarely see a sockpole (baby sock). When a rare success is acheived, the new offspring are too often abducted to be used as finger liners in gloves. Socks reproduce by live birth, but the young are far weaker and much less cunning than their crafty adult sock parents, and fall easily to the predations of sockpole bounty hunters employed by glove manufacturers.

Socks enjoying a romantic moment holding hands on the coverlet.
Socks enjoying a romantic moment holding hands on the coverlet.
Sock nonchalantly pretending it didn't just try to get away.
Sock nonchalantly pretending it didn't just try to get away.
Sock trying to escape from the laundry closet.
Sock trying to escape from the laundry closet.

Sock Escape

Socks will find a way out if their owner is not sufficiently vigilant. They are stealthy almost beyond belief. Although I set up a blind opposite my bureau and sat in it for days disguised as a floor lamp, I was unable to capture any footage of a sock in motion. Yet the evidence in my photo essay is clear: socks can move and they do try to escape.

At right is one cool cucumber. One moment he was safely tucked away, the next flopped out over the edge of the drawer.

Middle right is a sock I caught while it was sneaking out of the laundry closet. It had already made it out of the laundry basket and was half way out the door before I noticed.

Below, hanging on the doorknob, is a sock that almost made it. Yessiree, it was almost out the door. Luckily I happened by at the right moment to prevent its escape!

Some socks do get away, but the outside world is no happy place for the wayward sock. Have you ever seen a sock all worn and dirty, laying in the gutter? That's one that got away, but couldn't make it on the outside.

Sock hanging on the doorknob.  Obviously it had been trying to open the door and escape.
Sock hanging on the doorknob. Obviously it had been trying to open the door and escape.

Vigilance is the Key

Since I have started watching my socks more closely I have lost fewer of them than I did before. Socks have an uncanny knack of knowing when someone is watching. As difficult as it may be to believe, although millions of socks have, in fact, escaped, no one has ever actually seen one move. Vigilance is the one great weapon we have against the rebellious sock. As long as we are vigilant, the sock cannot make its move. As soon as our vigilance lapses, that's when the sock makes its break for freedom.

I now have my sock drawer and my laundry hamper under 24-hour video surveillance. I count my socks each morning and each night. I try always to know where all my socks are at any given time. Occasionally I still do lose a sock, but much fewer than I did before. You have to watch them every single second or, wham, bam, thank you ma'am, off they go.

I have attached anti-theft devices to my socks, such as they attach to small valuable items in retail stores. If a sock gets too close to the door, a 100-decibel siren goes off to let me know that, yup, those socks are at it again.

Next week I am going to attach a GPS device to each and every one of my socks and try to solve the mystery of where socks go when they actually succeed in escaping. It's true I will have to take out a home equity line of credit in order to be able to afford all those GPS devices, but it will definitely be worth it if I can solve that mystery, one of the greatest mysteries in the history of humanity.

In the mean time I will remain constantly, unendingly vigilant so that my socks do not escape. No sir, no sock is going to get away from me. No way, no how. Now I think I'll go out for a coffee. See you later!

Vigilance is the key.
Vigilance is the key.

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Comments 15 comments

Abhishek87 profile image

Abhishek87 7 years ago from India

:D :D :D Thats all I have for now :D


Pest profile image

Pest 7 years ago from A Couch, Lake Odessa, MI

I love it! Very good and very funny!


Shalini Kagal profile image

Shalini Kagal 7 years ago from India

Sock it to us Tom - that was hilarious! I know where most of the socks in our house go to - shreds, thanks to our Lab cross - they don't stand a chance when they try and escape!


SiddSingh profile image

SiddSingh 7 years ago

Its so funny that I am at a loss for words! I am afraid anything I say will sound lame!


Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States Author

I am so glad that people visited this hub. When I wrote it I could not figure out why no one came here, but I kept it because I think it's funny. The idea still gives me a chuckle.


Pest profile image

Pest 7 years ago from A Couch, Lake Odessa, MI

Tom i love it...Giving life to inanimate objects can be fun...or were you being serious about the socks and their agenda?


Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States Author

Socks are insidious. Be afraid! Be very afraid!


SiddSingh profile image

SiddSingh 7 years ago

Well, after reading this hub, I checked my wardrobe, and I found one of my pair of socks missing! And I could find only one of a pair. I am left wondering if there is a mischief afoot...


Elena. profile image

Elena. 7 years ago from Madrid

Ay ay ay, Tom! I think you ought to go check Freida Babbley's Socks hub: http://hubpages.com/hub/My-Socks

Man, what's going on with socks at HP? Laugh!


Pest profile image

Pest 7 years ago from A Couch, Lake Odessa, MI

ewwwwwwww! Good pun and bad all at one time! @ SID


Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States Author

Hilarious, SiddSingh!

I'll check out the Socks hub, Elena! Thank you!

Good call, Pest.


Frieda Babbley profile image

Frieda Babbley 7 years ago from Saint Louis, MO

I didn't comment on this yet? I think my mind must have gone somewhere else each time I've read this (and I have to say I come back to read it now and again). I think I must figure something out when I read and the socks, sensing my lack of vigilance, brainwash me. Excellent photos! Strong message! Vigilance, yes indeed! ... Aaa, who are we kidding. =D


Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States Author

These intrepid tubular commandos will inherit the Earth someday. I've almost finished my electric sock fence. We'll see if they get through that!


nicomp profile image

nicomp 5 years ago from Ohio, USA

Genius.

I always knew something was going on in the back of my sock drawer.


Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 5 years ago from United States Author

It's true!

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