Sports Fans, Gymnasts and Large Guys in Speedos

I’m planning on being offended.

I’m not sure yet what I’m going to be offended about; but I've been watching the news lately and realized it's totally the "in" thing. I'm nothing if not fashionable (ok, so I'm nothing, but let's pretend) so I'm hopping on this offended bandwagon! I just have to decide what's going to put me on my soap box.

Maybe I’ll be offended at the way people cheer for the sports teams in their state. Here I am, minding my own business, when these people run out in front of me in their brightly colored clothes shouting “Go Sports-Team-In-My-State”. I find that highly offensive.

I don’t believe in sports teams, and yet, day after day I have sports fanaticism tossed in my face. I once had to tell a doctor’s office receptionist that I was from Atlanta. The state I was from had just beaten their state at basketball and the ladies in the office were taking it personally. Just before I stepped up to the counter I heard mumblings about my previous state, and something to the effect of “Kill them all”. Sports fans can be a little scary as well as offensive.

It’s not just sport's fanatics outside my home; they’re invading inside my house as well. I turn on the news, and there's five whole minutes devoted to nothing but sports. On Sunday, I have a hard time watching TV because a sport seems to be on every channel; channel 5, basketball, channel 12, golf, channel 24, preachers talking about basketball and golf. I cannot help but be offended at these sports people throwing their beliefs at me everywhere I turn. Yes, I could definitely be offended at sports.

I could also be offended at overweight guys in Speedos, for reasons that don't need to be mentioned. For those of you who have never seen this in real life, it’s a sight worth avoiding, I assure you.

I can't imagine what would drive a guy to buy Speedo bathing suit. Was he in the store, looking through the racks of swim suits, scratching his butt, when suddenly the thought occurred to him, "Hey, I'm repulsive. I think I'll find the one swim suit that accents this."

All I can say is he done good . I'm repulsed. Very, very repulsed . I can't imagine that any of these guys would think they were hot, with their manly struts and their big bellies hiding the fact that they do, in fact, have on swimsuits. Actually, come to think of it, they are hot. Hotly offensive.

Just so you guys don’t think I’m sexist, women in bikinis of any sort are also offensive. Big women who resemble large men in Speedos with the added accessory of upper cloth are offensive. So are the skinny young girls in bikinis. Tiny little things showing off their non-bellies are extremely offensive to every woman who just spent 4 hours in front of a mirror trying to shove all of her flaws into her one-piece-with-a-skirt bathing suit.

This brings me to my next possibility of offended-ness.

There’s a good possibility of my being offended at gymnasts, mostly because, well, they’re gymnasts. And while this is true at any time, this is especially true during the Olympics. “All gymnasts all the time” on the Olympic channel forces me to watch the sports channels. The gymnasts are not only more flexible and thinner and younger than me, but they constantly flaunt their differences.

“Oh, look at me, I can flip up onto these bars and flip back off while drinking Tang and writing my memoirs.” The Tang never spills . I’m fairly certain they’ve all made a deal with the devil. Somewhere in their attics is a mirror where their true 200-year-old selves are ageing. Being offended at gymnasts would take very little effort.

I suppose I could get offended at anybody who is different than I am. It is especially offensive when they flaunt these dissimilarities. I guess I could learn from them, enjoy the differences, and embrace the diversity. Nah, I’m thinking the in thing is to be offended.

Or maybe….

I could be offensive . I’m looking around, and that seems to take even less energy than being offended. The offensive people are able to offend without effort and usually without knowing they’ve even accomplished this goal until an offended person starts jumping up and down and yelling at them and/or shows up at the offensive person’s house with 12 lawyers and a TV crew.

There. I’ve solved my dilemma. Tomorrow I’m going to put on my “Made in the USA” T-shirt with flags of every country, sing Christmas carols, offer people pork products, talk about my garden and use the word “hoe”, yell about the evils of communism at a Home Owner Association meeting, cut in line at the grocery store while wielding an Ebit card and a snotty nosed kid named “Boy” and shout “Go Sports-Team-In-My-State” while doing back-flips down the street in a Speedo. A guy’s Speedo.

God Bless America. I’m so hip.