The Incontinent Blogger

Admitting you’re a blogger or a writer is like confessing that you wet the bed. Not many will be impressed, some will entertain sympathy, most will profess indifference, and the rest will recoil in disgust as if you were infested with the plague. And of course, nobody wants you anywhere near their mattress!

In a completely unrelated point of fact, reading my blog may be the literary equivalent of running barefoot and blindfolded through a cow pasture…don’t step in that analogy!

I am privileged to know some good people whom I sincerely admire but have been known to try just a little too hard at times. They’re so good, they’re bad at it. These suffer from a condition similar to moral constipation. I call it a bad case of ‘rectal rectitude’; i.e., being so upright they become uptight, become overly constricted and, well, anal.

Quit snickering! ‘Anal’ is a perfectly good word. Lest we derive some negative connotations, I should stop and clarify. Anal, being a shortened version of anally retentive, is defined as being overly concerned with being organized and tidy; which would seem to imply that someone was instead somehow. . .constipated, or being annoyingly obsessed with details. And you thought it had something to do with the anus? I bet you still laugh when somebody poots out loud?

Please excuse my analogy but… The more I think about it, creativity is like…a bowel movement. It strikes you at the oddest times, frequently causes intense pain for brief periods of time; like inspiration, when the feeling is gone, it’s gone, and yes, the end result may even stink when finished.

If you have ever experienced ‘brain turds’ you can more appreciate the analogy. This condition is not to be confused with brain ‘farts’ of which the technical term is ‘cerebral flatulence’. Cerebral flatulence is typically random and sporadic outbursts that linger briefly in the atmosphere before dissipating while brain turds tend to cause you to behave peculiarly for extended periods of time. Neither of these terms can be found in a textbook. In fact, you won’t find stuff like this on the Dr. Phil show either, which may explain why he has a show and I do not.

What, you say? Brain turds?!! Well, since you asked…they often require concentrated & strenuous cerebral effort, are frequently accompanied by peculiar facial expressions, and often met with disdain by those around you. Long periods of time between irregular writing habits is a contributor. Oh, the pains of irregularity! One happens when you least expect it, the other you can't force no matter how much effort you put into it. So there you have it.

Sometimes I get constipation of the brain and nothing seems to come out right or I suffer from the other extreme, extended cases of diarrhea of the mouth. cerebral discomfort and bloating of the Broca’s Area are a frequent symptom of cognitive ‘clogging’. ‘Brain-turds’ can be embarrassing which is why I often wrap my head with a roll of toilet paper before I leave the house; every time I sneeze, I have to wipe my ears.

For those of you not of the technical persuasion, a ‘brain-turd’ is thinking that may resemble intelligent thought but instead causes prolonged bouts of distended cognitive processes resulting in debilitating dysfunctional behavior. Those afflicted seem unable to ‘pass’ the dysfunctional thought processes that causes repeated impaired judgement, rendering the person incapacitated when it comes to making intelligent personal choices without assistance. Non-academic laypersons typically refer to those with this malady with non-technical terms such as being F.O.S., i.e., full-of-crap. The ‘crap’ being whatever stupid thought processes that keeps them from exercising judgement that is not impaired.

In extreme situations, I have recommended taking a mental laxative or more extreme measures, such a giving yourself a mental enema. However at no time should you see a near-sighted proctologist after he’s had a particularly nasty fight with his wife.

(Sound of flushing noise in the background).

Oh, those annoying brain -turds! Forget the heartbreak of psoriasis, this affliction is really embarrassing. Anybody can survive flaky scalp but flaky thinking is debilitating.

Well, that’s about as much advice as I can legally dispense without charging you for it. And Dr. Phil…I’m coming for your network time slot.