One of Us.
In the relatively distant future...
In a plot that absolutely wasn't Kurt Wimmer or D.J. Machale's years before the Hunger games or Divergent, err, I mean, in the relatively distant future, the government has completely forbidden independence or individuality under the rule of Super Emperor President of the Universe, Skulky McBorington (Played by UK sex symbol, Benedict Cumberbatch). Everywhere you look, people are being brainwashed and forced to accept that individuality is a luxury they simply can not afford. Now, a pair of young, quirky adults, Elise Everprior (played by girl next door, Jennifer Lawrence) and Edward West (played by... er... boy next door, Chris Pratt) must band together to prove that the only way to set everyone free... is to be themselves.
By the people who brought you that movie your sister liked, and from the studio who took crappy fan-fiction and got a multi-million dollar movie franchise out of it...
One of Us.
With music by...
That one pop band from 20 years ago, a washed up dubstep artist clinging to relevancy, a soft rock group that your hipster friends say is "the next Death Cab for Cutie," Idina Menzel, and Fall Out Boy for some reason.
Critics say the acting in this movie is some of the best you will ever see!
Prepare to be blown away by Jennifer Lawrence as she proves it's possible to relate to everyone and be a badass at the same time!
Try as hard as you want not to, you'll love to hate Benedict Cumberbatch as he monotonously monologues with a disconcerting intensity at every.... single... opportunity.
And who could forget the overwhelming charisma and adorable boyishness of Chris Pratt, as he reminds you that dreams do come true, and no matter who you are, somebody out there will love you for just being yourself!
AND THAT'S NOT ALL!
Be on the lookout for cameos from lovable mainstream mainstays like...
Rebel Wilson as the spunky best friend who sides with Elise until the end.
Kim Kardashian as a mindless social media icon who reminds everyone that being creative or original is overrated.
Matthew Mcconaughey as a random extra... who lost his shirt.
Odell Beckham Jr. as he makes his big screen debut as McBorington's sidekick who can do literally anything apparently.
And James Franco as... James Franco, because Lenny Kravitz was busy and let's be honest, he's so damn attractive that we pretend even his bad movies are good.
If it sounds like too much awesomeness for one sitting, well I've got news for you.
Even though One of Us was only a 100 page novel, Summi-I mean, Peak Studios plans on splitting it up...
Into.
Seventeen.
Movies.
Reviews.
"Oh my god, I fell in love with the characters, I hope they make an eighteenth movie!"
-That one friend who really likes Michael Bay movies.
"With garbage like "The Imitation Game" and "Grand Budapest Hotel" flooding the theaters, it's such a relief to see some class in cinema again"
-That one girl who really wants to fit in with your friends.
"Eh, I liked the book better"
-Your snobby hipster friend who writes satirical bullshit on HubPages.
"It was great honey, I loved it... Only, there were some grammatical errors"
-The mother of the director.
"My girlfriend made me see it"
-Guy who suggested to his girlfriend that they go see it.
"Wait... That's not true!"
-Guy who doesn't want to lose the respect of his friends, who all tease him, but totally wish they had girlfriends to see post-apocalyptic, dystopian chick-flicks with.
"What a dumb premise"
-Kristen Stewart.
SO RUN,
DON'T WALK,
RUN TO THE NEAREST MOVIE THEATER, AND DO WHATEVER IT TAKES.
GET YOUR BOYFRIEND TO TAKE YOU.
IF YOU DON'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND TO TAKE YOU, FIND ONE.
IF YOU'RE TOO YOUNG TO HAVE A BOYFRIEND, SPEND YOUR ALLOWANCE.
GO.
SEE.
THIS.
MOVIE.
RIGHT.
NOW.
OR IT'LL BE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE SINCE WEARING THE SAME OUTFIT AS SALLY McFLY ON THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL.
