Who's They? An Investigative Report
You Know What They Say...
We've all heard about them. Yes Them. They. Mothers often tell stories of their findings, which coincidentally often support their reasoning. Eating before swimming? You know what they say. Chocolate before bedtime? Ditto. Their studies are world renown and quoted until over and over until accepted as fact. But just who are They.
Who Are They?
Formally introduced with the League of Nations in 1919 (although they say that the group has been around since the dawn of man), They is secret society whose members range from doctors, lawyers, scientists, authors, to housewives, although the status of female members is murky territory that .
Shrouded in secrecy, They meetings and conferences are thought to be held in local lodges. Historians have found evidence that nearly half of our former presidents, including George Washington, were They members. In fact, they say that the Cherry Tree tale of Washington's youth, was first spread to boost virtues such as honesty and accountability amongst school children.
Log books point to a swell of membership after the second world war, peaking during the Cuban Missile Crises. (Yes JFK was a they member). They would meet every few months to discuss topics of interest. Few member were willing to speak on record about meeting whereabouts and topics, but it can safely be assumed that They knew what they were doing.
Notable Members
- Winston Churchill
- Tito Jackson
- Woodrow Wilson
- Johnnie Cochran
- Burt Reynolds
- Buzz Aldrin
- Bill Gates
- Roger Staubach
- Calvin Coolidge
- Sigmund Freud
- F. Scott Fitzgerald
- Richard Pryor
- Nick Saban
- Oprah Wnfrey
- That Guy From The All State Commercials
- Henry Ford
- Neil Diamond
Popular Findings
An apple a day keeps the doctor away: Promoting a healthy diet was of the agency's top concern.
Wet hair and pneumonia The link between wet hair and illness has been debated for years. The agency weighed in on this and the housewives won this battle.
Money can't buy love- The agency wanted to promote the nuclear family with couples staying together through good times and bad. The lawyers had a fit.
Don't count your chickens before they hatch - Looking to instill patience and a work ethic in the youth, the agency came up with a catchy slogan still said by grandparents everywhere.
Never judge a book buy it's cover -Wanting people to look beyond appearances, the agency came up with this saying hoping to encourage people to give everyone a fair chance. America loves the underdog.
It's better to have loved once than never to have loved at all - Disputed heavily by the scientists on the board, this saying narrowly passed and is still used today.
You are what you eat - Another gem from the doctors on the panel to promote diet and exercise.
Never mix business with pleasure - Wanting to keep a productive workplace in order the agency warned against having fun on the job.
Never go to bed angry - An effort to curb increasing divorce rates, this saying was released with hopes of couples working out their differences before bed. What was not realized was the fact that the more men were talking the angrier women were getting.
When one door closes another one opens - During the depression there were a lot of doors closing, just hope the one opening is not the exit.
When life hands you lemons, make lemonade - There were some really bad cars made in the 70's.
One man's junk is another man's treasure - The agency goes green, promoting recycling and reusing.
Controversies
They are no strangers to controversy.
- In 1951, Senator Joseph McCarthy announced that he would be leading a formal investigation into They members' affiliation with the communist party. Eisenhower, thought to be a They member, publically scolded the fear mongering senator, advising him to "have another drink and to go to bed."
- In 1969, the moon landing was thought to be an elaborate hoax orchestrated by They members.
- In 1988, Ollie North was spotted wearing a They lapel on his tie, causing conspiracy theorist to speculate on his involvement with prominent They members.
- In 1990, it was discovered that former They member Pete Rose was filtering misinformation for personal gain. After investigators tapped his phone, Rose was sentenced to a lifetime ban of all They meetings.
- In 1996 President Bill Clinton publicly accused They members of funding The Ross Perot campaign. Although the claims were never proven, Perot has been spotted at various They meetings.
- In 2011, it was reported that They were responsible for the promotion of healthier school lunches loaded with fruits and vegetables that kids were dumping by the ton into trash bins everywhere.
They Today
After nearly collapsing during the dot com boom, They have enjoyed a renaissance of sorts. Todays members are rumored to be a much more diverse group, and meet to discuss growing concerns such as Terrorism and Climate Change.
The National Archive and Records Administration hold the volumes of books released by the agency.The agency reached it's pinnacle in the 1960's working with NASA, it then took some hits with false findings such as milk causing cancer and a red M&M scare.
Due to recent budget cuts the agency meets only once a year today and has struggled to stay in existence. But they will always be around, their sayings repeated and advice sought. Because you know what they say, where there's a will there's a way. Developing...
