Living Life & Letting Go
Now that I am 41 years old (yikes, by the way), life seems to change at a much faster pace. Gravity has even become more powerful.
When I stop to look around it is obvious that there are fewer familiar faces. My family has scattered to the far reaches of the Universe; some in Minnesota, some in Utah, some in Illinois and others in Heaven. I was so sad when my grandparents died, when my brother left the nest and when my friends pursued lives on the opposite coast. As a child, these losses were less noticeable. I was so incredibly focused on each moment, I figured the things I knew and the people I loved would be around forever.
My mom and aunt went to see a Medium yesterday. My mom received information that was unique, true and absolutely validated what we both already know: Our loved ones are still with us. I still miss them, I long to hold them, I remember their faces and the perfume they wore; but if I pay close attention, signs are everywhere of their continued presence.
The Medium said she was experiencing a strange sensation she had never felt before. It was as if she was sitting and water was rushing all around her. When I was young my parents and grandparents camped together often. Most fun was had sitting in rivers and streams, picking out beautiful rocks and simply letting the water rush around us. The Medium also saw a small woman with short, curly, brown hair hunched over and carrying a cane. This was my grandmother, my "Mimi". The Medium saw her throw her cane away and squeeze her hands sharing, "I feel great here! I'm not in pain any more."
My grandmother had Rheumatoid Arthritis, just as I do. I was diagnosed at 35 years old and have spent the last 6 years identifying myself as sick before I consider my other personal qualities. I am disabled and cannot work. Most days I set a goal of accomplishing at least one thing that day. I am in and out of the hospital with weird illnesses - all related to the inflammation that is widespread throughout my body. I eat, sleep and breathe my illness.
I know without a doubt that Mimi's message to my mother was my wake-up call. It is time to stop waiting for the "other shoe to drop" or for any new illness to be tacked on to my list of over 20 ailments. It is time to stop feeling sorry for myself and to LIVE. It is time to remember the little joys in life, to laugh, to do whatever I can to treasure this life I've been given. It is time to luxuriate in the stream of life, find the beauty that is right beneath us and feel the peace of it surrounding us. Life does not stop if we plop down and stop living, just as the stream continues to flow whether you sit there or not. It is time to enjoy the flow of life again.
This message comes at a time when we have lost many loved ones to cancer, accidents and other pitfalls of life. Some of the most devastating news has been that of children we love facing cancer, as well as serious and life altering illnesses. It breaks my heart seeing my daughter and her friends touched by the loss of their parents, family and friends. It is a first experience for many of these kids and they will be moments that shape who they will become. No matter the age, cancer, illness, death and loss can be terrifying and soul wrenching.
I wrote this poem with my loved ones in mind; particularly my grandmother, mother and daughter. They are my best friends, my kindred spirits and my heroes. I know we are surrounded by those we love who have passed on just as surely as we will be there for our family and friends when we pass on. I find peace in that knowledge and I look forward to the day I can hold them all in my arms once again.
Letting Go
I was so tiny
but ready to go;
your voice in my ear,
"Don't be scared to let go."
Your heart broke a little;
how quickly I'd grown.
Your steady voice told me,
"Don't be scared to let go."
Full of courage and strength
every high, every low;
always there for me saying,
"Don't be scared to let go."
Now it's your hand I hold,
your hair dusted with snow;
lovingly I whisper,
"Don't be scared to let go."
There are so many times in life that in order to grow, we must be willing to let go. Acknowledge your fear but do not let it hold you back from working toward your goals, following your dreams and reaching for the stars!. Life is to be lived and do not forget that you are never, ever alone.
