How Crap a Mother Are You?

If the internet has taught women anything it is that most of us are pretty crap mothers. Perhaps you've wondered if you’re a good mother. If you’re not sure if you cut it in the world of moms- here is a definitive guide. From child-birth to Food to TV viewing, check below to see exactly how crap a mother you are.

First things first- Child Birth. This is gonna be a pretty good indication of how crap you will be as a mother so dive straight in...

• You had a C-Section. If this was an emergency C-Section you will have people’s sympathy. It wasn’t your fault. Of course you cannot class yourself as a good mom until you get pregnant again and plough ahead with a VBAC but at least you are not as crappy a mom as those women who [shudders] elect a C- Section. Verdict: Crap Mother with the potential to be a Fairly Good Mother

• You gave birth as nature intended...only you went and ruined it by having an epidural. Ah you came so close but as you couldn’t feel a damn thing you have not experienced the real agony, I mean joy, of childbirth. Verdict: Crap Mother

• You had a natural birth with no pain relief! Verdict: Well done you, you are officially a Good Mother

• You birthed naturally at home in a birthing pool, you shunned all forms of pain relief and medical staff and instead were supported by your doula and a dolphin. You did not cut the baby’s chord but instead carried it around still attached to your baby until it detached itself naturally. When the chord came away you celebrated by snorting lines of the dried out placenta a week later. You rightly look down on all other forms of child-birth and the lame-ass moms who take the easy way out. Verdict: Goddess Mother

• You tried breastfeeding but failed- you are probably a lazy useless mother but at least you tried (or pretended to try) so you are better than the utter scum who actually make a decision to formula (it hurts me to type it) feed. Verdict: Crap Mother

• You breastfed exclusively for six months. Verdict: Fairly Good Mother

• You exclusively breastfed for a year or more. Verdict: Congratulations you are a Good Mother

• You breastfed exclusively until your child decided they were ready to self-wean. You expressed your breast milk- not to feed your little one out of a bottle obviously but so you could make porridge and frozen yoghurt out of it. Verdict: Goddess Mother

• You did Cry it Out? Shame on you! How would you like to cry yourself to sleep? Hopefully you do –every night- with tears of GUILT! Verdict: Crap Mother

• You did Controlled Crying- This is like cry it out but instead of watching a film while your baby is screaming you keep popping in to shove their dummy back in. Verdict: Fairly Good Mother

• You used a no-cry sleep solution with your baby. This is better but ultimately still a bit selfish. Verdict: Good Mother

• You shun any form of sleep training and instead tend to your baby’s every whimper. Let’s be honest who wouldn't like a good night’s sleep after a year of non-stop sleep deprivation but if you really want to be a Goddess mother you will not put a bit of sleep and your sanity before your little one’s desire to suck on your breast for two seconds every hour through the night. Everyone knows sleep training is the work of the devil- priorities people! Verdict: Goddess Mother

• You use disposable nappies/diapers- This puts you well and truly in the crap mom category I’m afraid. Firstly they are bad for the environment and secondly- they are just totally not in keeping with the co-sleeping, breastfeeding, baby-lead weaning goddess that you should be. Verdict: Crap Mother

• You use cloth nappies/diapers- well done you! Great for the environment and you can openly talk about your choice in parenting groups without fear of reproach but don’t get too smug- really good moms don’t use them at all. Verdict: Good Mother

• You don't use nappies/diapers- That’s right if you were a really good mom you would be so in tune with your little precious that you would keep them bare bottomed and sense when they needed to go and deftly place a BPA free potty under their derriere. Verdict: Goddess Mother

• You have a pram but usually push your baby around with the car-seat on the chassis so you don’t have to wake her when you transfer her in and out of the car. Er you obviously don't know that new-born babies should be laid flat on their backs shame on you- you are essentially crippling your baby. Verdict: Crap Mother

• You have a nice pram where the baby lays flat. The pram grows with your baby and can face forward to foster independence or towards you to develop language. Verdict: Good work you are a Good Mother

• You don’t own a pram, you wear your baby like mothers all throughout history have been doing. Know this- your baby needs to be with YOU, pressed up against your chest at all times if you are serious about being a good mom. Verdict: Goddess Mother

Firstly did you wait until exactly six months – that ladies is 26 weeks –duh half of a year – not 24 weeks (shame on you) to introduce solids? If not you run the very serious risk of upsetting your baby’s stomach or something...

When it comes to feeding solids there is a scale of how bad you are:

Feeding non- organic jar food – let me guess you didn’t breastfeed either? Thought not. Verdict: Crap Mother

Feeding organic jar food- like Hipp or Plum- you are middle class and wanted so badly to breastfeed but you just couldn’t do it- you even hired a breastfeeding guru and spent the first three weeks after giving birth topless- in the end you formula fed but you gave Aptimal because that’s the closest to breast milk apparently. Verdict: Fairly Good Mother

You make all your own purees from scratch so you think you’re a good mom but you don’t baby-led wean so not quite sweety. Verdict: Good Mother

You do baby-led weaning and try to stay 90% Paleo so you are a good mom- you can join several groups on FaceBook and interact with like-minded good moms- such a relief seen as no one understands you. You can share your concerns here about moms who feed their 4 month olds baby cereal – Er hello arsenic levels?!!! Verdict: Goddess Mother

• Your children don’t watch any TV, they sit and play in the corner while you watch Jeremy Kyle- Verdict: Yeah you’re a Crap Mother

• Your children love Peppa Pig and sometimes you put the TV on for them when you’re busy. You let your children watch TV with adverts? You are essentially letting technology babysit your children for you while multi-national companies fill their tiny brains with all sorts of dangerous messages- quite frankly if your kid isn't taking class A drugs recreationally by the time he’s fifteen I’d be surprised. Verdict: Crap Mother

• You follow expert guidelines and limit your children’s TV viewing to 30 minutes a day. You only let them watch educational TV shows with no adverts- Verdict: Good Mother well done.

• You don’t own a TV and instead spend your time playing with your children using the fun educational games you made yourself out of egg cartons- Verdict:Goddess Mother

So how did you fare? Take the poll to share with the world just how crap you are as a mother. If you are feeling bad you can watch the video below to learn some things to say in public to make people think you are a better mother than you really are.