Being Me

Sometimes when I look in the sky and imagine what my life would be, I could sense a feeling of excitement knowing that all my life, I knew what I wanted. I knew where I am heading for.

But, have you ever experienced wanting to reach a certain goal in life yet so afraid to stretch your arms to your one ultimate dream and even hold your chin high to have a glance on that unreachable star hanging in front of you enticing you to have a feel of it? So many times, opportunity came knocking at your door but you just let it pass you by because your self esteem isn’t enough to handle your fears of rejections?

Dreams are ambitions that we created in our mind. I had it right. I knew what I wanted but my fears were stronger than my strengths so I bailed out. I continued to live my life trying to ignore the dreams I once implanted in my mind. The dreams I long have architect and perhaps the dreams I have talked to God about. I never knew that the greatest enemy I will ever have to face in this life is myself.

So I continued to live. I needed to live. I needed to survive. But I couldn’t withstand my own insecurities and fears. So everyday, I battle. I battle with myself. It was a colliding hate and love. Hating myself for being so me and loving myself for simply being me. It was a contrasting feeling… but it was fine as long as I can survive.

To survive, I have to wear a mask of pretentions and inject a dose of analgesics. It was hard to pretend that you are feeling fine when inside you, you are dying of low self-esteem and yet you have to keep paced. I wonder if there are also other people walking on my directions.

Sometimes, I couldn’t help but blame my parents on how I was raised or maybe how my other friends have treated me. Or maybe, it was just I. It was all inside my head. But what I love about my life now is the freedom. Freedom from the noise of my parents fights. Freedom from the people telling me what to do and freedom to think more clearly.

But, living alone isn't as easy as I have imagined life is. It's never the same as the story in movies and novels. As I faced another day, I realized that everyone has his own unique stories. It's not the same stories of that old woman seated next to me one long waiting hours in plane nor a story of that man complaining to me the other day before he was hooked to respirator and now battling between life and death.

Frustrations and Apprehensions crowded my mind-retracting day by day from that dream I have beautifully created and nurtured all this time. In just a whisk of air, my dreams shattered. I sob till a single tear from my eyes fell no more…my heart throbbing like it has never been broken before. Anger overflowed and all I can see are gloomy days ahead, withholding my bottled up feelings, trying to climb for that unreachable peak to free me from this trench my ego has thrown me into.

The feeling of low self-esteem is so exhausting. The feeling of recurring fear is so grueling. This has to stop. I couldn’t live like this forever. It’s now or never. But finding my strengths to start over or fight back my insecurities makes me jitter. It has always been a collision of hate and love and I have to keep moving despite all this colliding feelings and after a long while, I just had to stop dreaming and get contented with what I can afford to handle. What seems to be an ambition is now a waste on my sight. Maybe this is all what I can achieve in life. This is where I belong.

As I moved along with my life, accepting my place on this earth, I came to see people who are on the same boat where I am. People, who are unwilling to give their best because of their fear of failures and rejections. People, who remain contented with their life without giving themselves a chance to prove their potentials. People, who are coward enough to admit to themselves their limitations and would rather hide in pretentions. People, who are like me- a walking zombie- who would rather live a meaningless life than to experience the real pain and joy of being alive.

The long slumber is over. And the world has changed since then. The time is now. It doesn’t matter who I were and what I am inside, what matter is, I am ready to live again.

Carpe diem!

Now that she have endured and overcomed her fears. She started living, filled with hope and faith that there is still a better life awaiting for her, she just need to work it out with prayers.

As she grasp for more strength, God showered her enumerable blessings that even her unspoken prayers were all answered. All she ever needed was not time but faith. Faith that God is in total control. "God is my shepherd, I am not afraid of anything that mere man can do to mé."

Trusting God wouldn't mean an easy travel. As gold is purified by fire, so is our faith is strengthened through series of test. We can not expect the world to embrace us as the world rejected Jesus Christ at first. But with prayers and faith, we can conquer this world and become living withnesses of Christ.

Experiencing Christ is her greatest achievement in life. Looking back on those dark years, she never thought that God would embrace her this tight and make her feel more loved.

Christ comes to those who are willing to accept Him in their life irregardless of how you've once lived it.Christ stays to those who are willing to embrace Him not only during rough roads but also during those happy times of our lives.

"I have often dreamed
Of a far-off place
Where a hero's welcome
Will be waiting for me
Where the crowds will cheer
When they see my face
And a voice keeps saying
This is where I'm meant to be

I'll be there someday
I can go the distance
I will find my way
If I can be strong
I know ev'ry mile
Will be worth my while

When I go the distance
I'll be right where I belong

Down an unknown road
To embrace my fate
Though that road my wander
It will lead me to you
And a thousand years
Would be worth the wait
It might take a lifetime
But somehow I'll see it through

And I won't look back
I can go the distance
And I'll stay on track
No, I won't accept defeat
It's an uphill slope
But I won't lose hope
Till I go the distance
And my journey is complete

But to look beyond the glory is the hardest part
A hero's strength is measured by his heart
Ooooooooooooooooooo
( guitar solo )

Like a shooting star
I will go the distance
I will search the world
I will face its heart
I dont care how far
I can go the distance
Till I find my heros welcome
Waiting In your arms

I will search the world
I will face its harms
Till I find mt hero's welcome
Waiting in your arms "

"Look at me
I will never pass for a perfect bride
Or a perfect daughter
can it be
I'm not meant to play this part?
Now I see
That if I were truly
To be myself
I would break my fam'ly's heart

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight
Back at me?
Why is my reflection someone
I don't know?
Somehow I cannot hide
Who I am
Though I've tried
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside"

"Look at this stuff, isn't it neat,
Wouldn't you think my collections complete?
Wouldn't you think I'm the girl, the girl who has everything.
Look at this trove treasures untold, how many wonders can one cavern hold?
Lookin' around here you'd think, Sure, she's got everything.
I got gadgets and gismos aplenty, I got whosits and wotsits galore,
(Spoken) You want thingamabobs? I got twenty,
(Sung) But who cares? No big deal, I want more.

I wanna be where the people are, I wanna see, wanna see 'em dancin'
Walkin' around on those (what dya call 'em) oh feet.
Flippin' your fins you don't get too far,
Legs are required for jumpin' dancin',
Strollin' along down the (what's that word again) street.

(Chorus)
Up where they walk, up where they run, up where they stay all day in the sun,
Wanderin' free, wish I could be, part of that world.

What would I give, if I could live, outa these waters?
What would I pay, to spend a day warm on the sand?
Betya on land, they understand, bet they don't reprimand their daughters,
Bright young women, sick of swimmin', ready to stand.

And ready to know what the people know,
Ask 'em my questions and get some answers,
What's a fire and why does it (what's the word) Burn.

Whens it my turn? wouldn't I love, love to explore that shore up above,
Out of the sea, wish I could be, part of that world."

"Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing
I'm strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears

Chorus:
They don't know that I come running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
(Look up for His smile)
'Coz deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child
(Aahhh)

Unafraid because His arrow is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I'm amazing
I never face retreat, oh no
But they don't see the enemies
That lay me at His feet

Chorus:
They don't know that I come running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
(Look up for His smile)
'Coz deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child
(Aahhh)

They don't know that I come running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
(Look up for His smile)
'Coz deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child
(Aahhh)"