Saying Goodbye and Letting Go

To Scott As He Moves to Arizona

What can I say? It's all been said before, so many times...but I feel the need, before you leave us, to repeat it all again.

If I had been allowed, all those many years ago, to see into the future and hand pick a son...Id have picked you. I didnt know when I found out you were on the way, what a sweet baby you would be.....I didnt know how sensitive you would be and how loving and what a great man you would grow to become. I know now.....I didnt know that you would grow to be so tall! You must take after my Dad...I didnt know that I would watch you play soccer and baseball and act like a stupid idiot when you kicked ass on the field.....I didnt know how much my heart would break when your first teenage love broke YOUR heart and you came to me for comfort....and how, even at 15, I still wanted to fiercely protect you and make sure that no harm ever came to you.

I didnt know how much guilt a heart could handle...for all the mistakes a mother makes...nor did I know the capacity you would have for forgiveness and understanding and unconditional love. I didnt know that a first born son could carve out so much space in my heart and then when I least expected it.....take that space and fill it even fuller with babies of your own. I didnt know that your eyes could be so blue. I didnt know that you would epitomize all that I hoped you would be as an adult......where there was once an "otty scotty", now there is a man, a father and a husband.....and someone I am so proud to call "son".

I always knew that this day might come...that I might have to let you go, what I didnt know was how much it would hurt to see the little boy become the man who stands tall and strong and sure and is now leaving us.I didnt know that doing what I was supposed to do as a mother, would end up being exactly what I didnt want to do.....let you go.

I am remembering things I long ago forgot...years pass, events layer over other events and our memories become clouded...but all of a sudden....I see a small face and a little body wrapped up in a blue blanket sleeper...sucking on an index finger....glimpses of snowy, quiet nights with Christmas lites twinkling in the background as I rocked you to sleep...long, silky brown hair and big blue eyes staring up at me.....a red velvet Christmas suit and Marching Mickey....glimpses of Legos and Star Wars figures and a baseball card collection....and a jean-clad 9 year old running thru the house with the Millenium Falcon in his hands....the wonder of Christmas and your little face full of excitement and joy.

Youve been it all, Scott, and now as the days dwindle, I realize that the hardest part of having you, is letting you go. Its the realization, that not only are you going, but with you, goes an era....a part of my life never to be regained....a generation passing...and the knowledge that a very big, very important part of who I am, has now passed.

Go with God, be proud of who you are, always...for who you are and what you are is something I always wanted you to be proud of....You ARE Michael Scott Mullinger.....part Irish, part Lebanese with strong links to your past. You come from people who love their family, work hard, and try to live a good life.... If this were the old days....I would say....."go west young man"..but now..I shall simply say....Follow your dreams, whatever they may be..but always know that home is here with those who love you.

I have loved "watching Scotty grow"

Mom11/17/2006