Where I'm at now...not where I expected

Life is hard. You cannot plan what will happen. I tried to control the outcome and failed. I know big surprise right, but it was to me. I thought life was controllable to some extent. Listen to others, research how to get the best outcomes, follow your calling and heart, right?...

So here's my great mommy homeschool blog: My son just attended public school for the first time ever as a third grader. Another fail, just like starting this blog? Probably. But it's real, it's me. That's what I'm learning in this stage of my life, to be ok with what I can be and do. I'm not trying to impress anyone anymore. I still am trying to give my kids the best I can.

I still think homeschooling is a wonderful way to educate. An individualized education, immediate access to the teacher, and void of the negative impacts of socialized education. It's comfortable.

For me being home so much made it too easy to isolate myself. I didn't have to get dressed and ready for the day so I often didn't. Being around people is hard. When a few bad things happened and people I loved hurt me and let me down, I pulled away. But the anger and pain didn't leave or get dealt with. That was a horrible example for my kids.

When lessons were difficult and challenging, I didn't want to do them either. I pushed my son because I worried homeschooling wasn't enough. I pushed him because I wanted more for him than he wanted. His success was a reflection of me. I tried to reproduce what I remembered from my education growing up and add in what I could find new.

I feel just as nervous, just as anxious as when he was little and I was choosing to homeschool him. I'm worried I'm making a bad decision. I worry about EVERYTHING that could go wrong.

New: I think the education he'll get at a public school will be somewhat comparable to what he'd get at home. But I'll have to blog on what happens because I don't know. It's a whole new world for me.

All that I've learned in the last few years, since I started this blog a lifetime ago is that I'm not getting better at parenting. I'm just realizing more and more how deeply complex and complicated this is. Being a parent is so hard. I love it and wouldn't change my life, but I do not feel adequate at all to give my kids what they deserve. I feel guilty for sitting, being on the computer at all, painting my nails or paying to get my hair cut. My love for my kids is stronger than my needs, but I have to take care of myself to be mentally healthy enough to be there for them! I cannot blog about it because I don't even understand what is happening or how to handle it. And who would care.

I would not take back the years I've homeschooled my son. In fact, if this were just about me and my time with my kids we'd still be homeschooling. I miss it already. The tricky part is figuring out what is best for each of my kids and our family as a whole.