Jem's Truly Outrageous Smurfs T-Shirts and Assorted 80's Memorabilia
Reclaim Your Childhood Through The Power of Merchandise
You know how sometimes you grow up in an idyllic world watching robots battle other robots for supremacy and bears cuddling one another at a moment's notice, but then the world changes and instead of watching Jem and her truly truly truly outrageous antics, people start watching Miley Cyrus and Selina Gomez? Doesn't that suck? It totally sucks.
Why not relive the glory days of 1980's children's television by festooning yourself and your home in related merchandise?
It's not only a good way to cheer yourself up, it's also an excellent way to provide jobs to thousands of Asian children who, without your rampant consumerism, would probably not have any opportunity at all to work for a few cents a day. What kind of childhood are they going to have if they can't reminisce in their early 20's about those 10 hour shifts everyone did in the factory together? Precisely. Shared experiences build closer communities. Closer communities with all the fetching characteristics of widespread lead poisoning.
If you're not wearing an ironic t-shirt with Grover, or a Smurf or one of the aforementioned little ponies on it, you're probably not hankering for your childhood enough, and that, my friends, simply will not do. Don't make me point out how much worse the world is now. There was that whole 9/11 thing and the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico and you probably have to cut the crusts off your own sandwiches now. Escape from the modern world!Take refuge inside cottony soft nostalgia immediately!
Why not drive a metal stake through your earlobe and then hang adorable merchandise from it? Everyone down at the oil spill clean up team will coo over your sparkle sparkle earrings, and next time you fly in a plane, you'll have something sweet and cute to cling to before you're forced 'hands in the air, criminal cattle' style through a dignity defying scanning machine.
If none of this appeals to you, why not go down to your local hairdresser and demand a poodle perm? Everyone knows that nothing bad can possibly happen to you when you have a poodle perm. It's like a talisman against evil spirits. Whilst you're at it, pick up some 80's hair accessories, scrunchies that you can use to pull your frizzled hair into a sideways pony tail. Work it girl! Work it out! Leggings can be worn as pants as long as you combine them with some neon legwarmers. Heck yeah! We're all going to live forever.
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