Crazy Penguin Catapult: Horrifying and Disgusting Free Online Game

Harmless little penguins may not make good house pets, but not one of them deserves to be maimed and mutilated in the name of online fun.These tiny flightless birds live productive lives on ice floes. They persist and subsist in frozen environments that would make clowns cry. Despite all their wonderful qualities, penguin populations continue to be threatened by unthinkable cartoon violence facilitated by free online games such as Crazy Penguin Catapult. If you care at all about dumpy flightless birds, do not play this game.

Where is PETA? Who will answer the strangled cries of mutilated penguins as they endure unthinkable atrocities on the frozen tundra? When can we expect a thoughtful movie star to step forward onto the red carpet clad in black and white penguin attire? Who will call attention to the plight of these mostly harmless warm-blooded creatures?

Perhaps penguins posses few of the talents expected by humans in their household pets. Nominal penguins may not be blessed with fetching skills or cute cuddly miens, like beagles or hamsters, but certainly society has advanced to a level that moves beyond gratuitous mutilation in the name of free online entertainment. Undeniably our standard of living demands a specific stewardship that extends past launching helpless semi-avian mammals into certain oblivion.

Penguins are mad at polar bears, or maybe it's the other way 'round.

We're not completely sure of the back story that sets the scene for penguin mutilation. A semi-cute cartoon story precedes the carnage: polar bears engage in a spirited game of bowling. It's all quite endearing until penguins are revealed to be playing the part of the pins. Perhaps if the penguins had sufficient foresight and funding to build a full service bowling alley, they could have profited from the bear's propensity for rolling round things at rows of pin-shaped things. Regrettably, this game shows us that it's far too late for ebony and ivory to live together in perfect harmony.

Planning revenge, ambitious penguins line up along a cliff. They don tiny penguin helmets and offer penguin encouragement to each other. One-by-one, they step off the cliff and hang from a special penguin rope. They swing to and fro, suspended above a real catapult (why, oh why, couldn't they have built the bowling alley instead?). Your job is to trigger the catapult properly and launch the brave penguin stage right.

Why the bird wants to be launched out of frame is not immediately evident. "Shut up and help us", the penguins seem to say. Trust their judgment. The truth will be revealed soon enough.

It gets a little confusing here. it's not World of Warcraft confusing or Chevy Volt confusing, but the next phase of the game takes place in-between the previous phase. Imagine your previously launched penguins gracefully arcing through the arctic atmosphere toward unsuspecting polar bears. The bears are exhausted from all-night bowling and Coca-cola binges.

Suddenly, penguins rain down on the bears. It's well-dressed death from above. Your job is to guide the penguin-shaped missiles into the bears. Each bird bounces wildly about the landscape and dies a horrible death. Some bears may also be harmed, which evidently justifies the catapult episode, unless you are playing from the perspective of a bear.

Mission 2 offers more of the mammalian carnage illustrated in Mission 1. The bears hide in plain sight. Some are eating popcorn from bowls, some are just chillin', others are shadow boxing. None of them are actually preparing for a hideous rain of penguin revenge. Guide the little birds along their ballistic trajectory such that bears are obliterated. You must take out a minimum number of bears in order to advance to Mission 3.

Completing a mission earns you an opportunity to adorn your penguins with super-hero powers:

• Twins
• Rubber Penguin
• Penguin on Fire
• Ninja Penguin

Your bearish opponents don't have a prayer.

We tried to chose the Ninja Penguin because, well, a ninja penguin is really cool. Unfortunately, these penguin power-ups are only available at dchoc.com. Perhaps that site has a penguin-mangling game that is even more horrifying and disgusting. We can only hope.

As if Missions 1 and 2 were not sufficiently appalling, Mission 3 requires more penguins to drop onto more bears. The birds bounce off ice sculptures, scrape against rock walls, and crash into evil polar beasts. Penguins are surprisingly resilient, perhaps a byproduct of living on frozen water and eating raw fish all day.

It's pretty much a repeat of the previous missions with subtle twists such as vertical scrolling and ferocious grizzly bears supplementing the polar bears.

We lied about the grizzly bears.

Slaughtering cartoon penguins goes much more smoothly against a backdrop of classical music. Instead of the techno-syntho-pop virtual music that intrudes on most online free video games, this horrifying and disgusting game offers up a few soothing tunes reminiscent of a night of scrabble and grape juice  with Beethoven's younger brother. it's not bad.

What happens if you put an infinite number of penguins in a room with an infinite number of polar bears...

This horrifying and disgusting game attempts to answer the preceding question. We don't actually know how or if it ends. A virtually insurmountable compendium of missions sits between you and penguin liberation. The path to penguin freedom is paved with trebuchets and packs of polar bears.

Penguin carnage overwhelmed our sensibilities after a few missions. Perhaps a few hidden tricks and Easter Eggs and cheats are available to circumvent a few of the more challenging missions: we couldn't figure it out. Penguin blood and guts trumped free online game strategy.

Rescue the penguins, if you can. Let us know how it goes.

Screen shots courtesy of iwon.com