Game Reviews From the Peanut Gallery

Because someone decided it'd be a good idea to release about 63 triple A games in a single holiday season, it's been hard for even me to get through them all, much less review them. However, since I love my fans (all two of you) this post shall serve as sort of a preview on what I've been playing lately and the full reviews should arrive here via Halley's Comet in the near future. 

The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim - Final Score: 2.5/10

Concept: A lame FPS that replaces bad ass guns with stupid swordplay

Graphics: I'd like it better if it looked like an anime. Anime FTW.

Sound: I don't understand what your character says when you do shouts. What kind of BS is that? I thought Skyrim was set in America, and we speak English here, dammit.

Playability: I tried swinging the controller to swing the sword and it didn't work. And people wonder why Skyward Sword got better scores...

Overall: This is the biggest ripoff of Dragon Age I've ever seen. Bethesda should be ashamed of themselves.

Replay Value: Nonexistent

Mortal Kombat - Final Score: WTF/10

Concept: Resurrect a decrepit fighting franchise that no one wanted back.

Graphics: The old crappy digitized actors look like L.A.Noire by comparison. And Kitana's boobs aren't nearly big enough.

Sound: No matter how many times you tell me, I am not getting over there, Scorpion!

Playability: Babalities are too hard to do. F**k that s**t

Overall: The idea of resurrecting Velociraptors in Jurassic Park panned out better than this game.

Replay Value: Was 1993 really that great?

Spider-Man: Edge of Time - Final Score: 5 Mary Jane's out of 5

Concept: Create an epic, time traveling adventure that stands as the greatest Spider-Man story since the Clone Saga.

Graphics: Neither Toby Maguire or Andrew Garfield have succeeded in making Spidey look this real.

Sound: It was hard to hear anything really. Spidey's hilarious one-liners had me laughing too hard to hear much of anything else. But the music was probably awesome anyway. Because, you know, it's Spider-Man.

Playability: The silky smooth gameplay really make you feel like the webslinger. Though I recommend murdering a real-life uncle to get the full experience. I did.

Overall: The story makes perfect sense when you think about it.

Replay Value: I play through the game each time a new issue of the comic hits.

Call of Duy: Modern Wafare 3 - Final Score God/10

Concept: You don't know what this is by now? Only the greatest military shooter of all time. It's even better than World War II.

Graphics: So hot that is melts the "frost" out of "Frostbite 2". See that? I totally burned them!

Sound: Every time I fired a gun, I had to call the cops because I thought there was gang violence outside my house. That's quality sound effects right there!

Playability: I'd follow my man "Follow" to the ends of the Earth if it came to it.

Replay Value: More valuable than my own life.

Duke Nukem Forever - Final Score 10/10

Concept: Create the greatest fu***n game ever made and take 12 years to do so.

Graphics: The game actually looks 12 years ahead of it's time. Even the illustration I made on the whiteboard looked better than any Uncharted game.

Sound: If Carlos Mencia ever explodes from an overabundance of funny (God forbid), Duke will inherit the title as the most humorous entity in all of existence.

Playability: Duke reminds us why every FPS has been apeing his series for years.

Overall: A testesterone-filled thrill ride of maniliness from start to finish. I actually grew a third testicle by the end.

Rayman Origins - Final Score: This Game Happened?/???

Concept: Ubisoft offers it's cutest sacrificial lamb to the wolves of a packed holiday season.

Graphics: I wish I could toggle the graphics between this and the classic Rayman style. You know, like how Halo Anniversary let's you. I should know because I'm playing that game right now.

Sound: I think everyone in this game speaks dragon, but when I tried to shout, Rayman just did a fisty thing. I'm going back to Skyrim.

Playability: Plays like Burt Reynold's character in Saints Row: The Third, in that you punch dudes and send them flying.

Overall: In the distant future I should have the time to actually play this, so I'll cyrogentically freeze myself with the game until then.

Dark Souls - Final Score: ZZZZ/ZZZzzzzZZ

Concept: Create a game that babysits you more than a teenager on a Saturday night.

Graphics: Cut and paste every fantasy game ever and make it even less interesting.

Sound: Mostly the sound of my yawns, since I was so bored by how simplistic this game is.

Playability: The only way to make this game easier would have been to bundle it with a custom controller with a giant "Win" button that instantly finishes the game with 100% completion.

Overall: A great way to hide your lackluster video game skills and look like a pro in front of gullible friends who actually give a hoot.

Replay Value: None

Assassin's Creed: Revelations - 5 Angry Petitions out of 5

Concept: Guide a homicidal senior citizen through his existential crisis.

Graphics: You can't fool me, Ubisoft. Even though that knife appeared to have totally missed that innocent guard's neck, he's still being brutally executed for no good reason.

Sound: I must be fluent in both Italian and Constantinoplese because I can understand what everyone is saying perfectly. Though I guess MURDER is universal across all languages.

Playability: Wait, now we're teaching people how to make BOMBS? Have you no decency? If I see even one caltrop or lamb's blood bomb in an airport you'll have hell to pay, Ubisoft.

Overall: You're teaching me how to MURDER innocent (not to mention important) people. Who wants to do that in a video game?

Replay Value: About as much as this game places on human life, which is none.

Metal Gear Solid HD Collection - Final Score: THIS IS NOT "RISING"

Concept: Answer the "Where's Metal Gear Solid: Rising?" question with a collection of old, beat-up games.

Graphics: Sons of Liberty is too gray, Snake Eater is too green, and Peace Walker almost looks like it was a portable game or something at some point.

Sound: I've engaged in more codec conversations in my life than in real ones with actual people. FML

Playability: Interrogations still end with unintentional fatalities most times, so yeah.

Overall: The story is still a convoluted mess, The Pain is still a tool, and I refuse to play as a non-badass cyborg ninja Raiden ever again.

Replay Value: Depends how much HD means to you I guess.

More by this Author

Comments 1 comment

Sony 2 years ago

I wanted to post a mesgsae in order to say thanks to you for all the wonderful guidelines you are posting on this website. My time-consuming internet search has now been paid with wonderful suggestions to write about with my great friends. I would tell you that many of us visitors are very much endowed to live in a fantastic place with so many brilliant professionals with beneficial tactics. I feel pretty fortunate to have discovered the web page and look forward to tons of more amazing minutes reading here. Thanks a lot once more for everything.

    Sign in or sign up and post using a HubPages Network account.

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No HTML is allowed in comments, but URLs will be hyperlinked. Comments are not for promoting your articles or other sites.

    Click to Rate This Article