10 Things You Should Not Say To A Pregnant Woman

When you first announce you are pregnant, you realize pretty early on that your identity is now "Pregnant" - forget that you had a name, forget that you have hobbies or interests. You are "Pregnant" and the growing belly that leads your body will make sure to be the conversation starter no matter where you go.

Some women love this - I enjoy it as well - though there is more to me than being pregnant, so perhaps this will remind people that there is more to talk about with pregnant women, than just the bun in the oven.

Having conversations with a pregnant woman is a little like walking the plank with pirates. You are never really sure when the hormones might kick in and you may be pushed over the side to be eaten by the fishes. Do yourself a favor and mind what you say.

Look, pregnant women are self conscious about how they look. At least, I know THIS pregnant woman is. The last thing I want to hear is that I look like I might be having twins.

When I'm not.

Now, its true, family members might be asking me, just to tease because twins do run in the family and they think it might be funny to freak me out. At 30 weeks, that's getting a little old too, but mostly its strangers and co-workers who eyeball my belly and ask if I am sure there aren't twins in there.

No, I don't have twins or triplets or any sort of multiple and frankly, I am quite alright with that.

Alright, so this one is not probably as common for straight women who are pregnant, because let's face it, its pretty obvious how it happened. However, for a woman like me, in a lesbian relationship, I understand the curiosity.

Still babies are made the same way whether a woman is straight, gay, or single. You learn in high school Health Class where babies come from. Egg meets sperm. Baby is conceived. That's how it happens. I find it odd that people even think to ask this question, its really kind of obvious isn't it?

The lists of dos and don'ts during pregnant is a mile and a half long, well, it might be longer than that. I finally chucked my list because frankly all it does is contradict itself.

When you are pregnant, all eyes are on you and its pretty much a guarantee that you will get unwanted advice from everyone. Everyone suddenly decides that its their job to tell you how you should eat, what you should wear, the things you should be doing.

Don't ask her if she is actually going to eat that whole pizza or sandwich or ice cream. It just makes her feel like crap. No matter how playfully you may have intended it, the monster inside that pregnant woman, you know, the one running on pure hormones, is very likely to rip your face off and eat it for desert after said pizza, sandwich, or ice cream.

In the end, remember, that pregnant woman has a doctor and if the woman is a smart woman, she has already discussed with her doctor what she can and cannot eat or drink - so unless you are said doctor, its best to keep your comments and advice to yourself.

This seems like such an innocent question doesn't it? I mean really, we all just want to do anything we can to make a pregnant woman more comfortable and make sure they are feeling wonderful.

The problem with this question is it makes me feel like you are asking me a trick question.

If I say everything is fine, which usually, I am lying, then most people feel obligated to tell me about how horrible their own pregnancy was. It also makes me feel guilty when I am not lying and I really do feel fine - because then those women who were once pregnant and it was not so hot, give me that look like they think, I think, I'm better at being pregnant than they were.

If I say I'm feeling crappy - well then I just know you don't actually want to hear about the searing pain in my nether regions and my sore muscles when I walk. You don't actually want to hear about the bouts of constipation I am battling right now or the growing number of itchy stretch marks that have laid claim to my belly.

When you ask me how I'm feeling, I will probably opt for lying. It just makes me sound less like I'm complaining about being pregnant, because goodness knows you shouldn't complain about being pregnant.

In this economy, women are still having babies and they may not have the money to get everything they need for the nursery, the baby, the house, the car. Don't make her feel like crap by asking this question. Seriously.

Personally, I currently have seven bags of hand-me-down clothes (love hand-me-down clothes!) and a carseat. I am in no way ready for this kid to come sliding out and into the world. Being in my third trimester and nesting is totally settling in, however, I have nothing to do because I have nothing ready yet.

Partially this is due to the fact that I am procrastinator and partially because I have other things like bills and food and gas for the car that I have to worry about. It freaks me out to be reminded that I just don't have everything ready yet. Some women have the resources to be ready for their baby's arrival sooner than others, don't add more stress to the pregnant woman's growing plate.

Along with unsolicited advice on things you should and shouldn't do - pregnant women get a lot of labor and delivery stories that perhaps they just aren't ready to be hearing. Some are great and if you were lucky enough to have an easy birth, that's awesome. I still don't want to hear about it. I definitely don't want to hear about your birth horror stories.

In general, I have just wrapped my brain around the fact that I am going to be pushing a baby the size of a watermelon out of a hole the size of well ... something much smaller than a watermelon. I don't need any mental pictures of your stories clouding my overworked and tired brain.

Every pregnancy is different and every labor and delivery is different for each woman. Tuck your stories in your back pocket and save them for swapping after I have had my little bundle of joy.

This one gets me every time. I know its cute and kinda funny to see me weeble and wobble down the hallways ... to other people. Its not so much cute or fun for me.

This goes back to the fact that pregnant women are self conscious about the way they look. While you might be saying this particular comment just to get a smile, what you will get from me is a muttered curse under my breath.

I am wobbling because the weight of this baby is heavy and I am carrying her pretty low. My muscles and my joints are so sore that instead of walking I am probably wishing I could sit down - except if I sit down then I have to get up at some point and that means more shooting pains in my calves or in the groin area.

I am not wobbling for your amusement.

As in, can I touch your belly?

I was a culprit of this myself before I got pregnant, in fact, I was probably one of those annoying people who just copped a feel on a pregnant woman's belly without even asking. It is nice of you to ask, but unless you are super close to me, I am probably not going to want you to touch me.

If that pregnant woman is anything like me, they don't want to be touched. However, when you ask, it feels like an obligation to say yes, otherwise, you are just a hormonal cranky pregnant woman who spoils everyone else's fun. If the woman wants you to feel her tummy, she will tell you and if the baby isn't moving, well, there isn't much fun to be had anyway.

Or in contrast, "I didn't have an epidural!"

Either of these comments are really just presumptuous. I feel like the way that a woman chooses to have her birth experience is a very personal one and people should not feel the need to comment one way or another. There are so many ways to have babies nowadays that you should not presume that the way you had your baby is the only right way to have one.

Women have been having babies for centuries and they have done it in all manners of speaking. I will personally be opting for an epidural, but if you tell me you didn't need one, you make me feel like a weak woman who can't have a baby right. If I wasn't having one and you did have one, it makes me feel like my way isn't right and I'm a freak.

Harmless question, right?

No, wrong. Its really not. Naming the baby growing inside of you can be difficult enough for the partners involved without adding the opinions of countless grandparents, co-workers, friends, and strangers.

What happens is, you tell the name you have finally settled on and then someone has something negative to say. "What about the nickname?" "That's so old fashioned." "Are you sure you don't want to rethink the initials?"

Then its back to the hell of baby naming drawing board. In the end, it's a question better left unasked.