Anxiety, and Depression, and Stress

They Can Always Make Me Smile!

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It's Getting To Me

Depression is getting to me. I am on medication and I am seeing a therapist, but it is still getting to me. Just when I feel that I am stronger than the depression, that I can beat it, it comes back stronger than ever before just to show me how wrong I really am.

I feel like I have no reason to be depressed. I have a great husband. Four healthy, happy children and soon to be five healthy, happy grandchildren. I have a nice roof over my head. I have a great car to drive. I have a wonderful job that I love more than anything. I have wonderful brothers and sisters and other extended family that support me in whatever I do.

But still I am depressed.

I feel that whatever I do is not good enough for anyone. No one in my current life treats me this way. But it is the way I feel. Even at school, where I know I do a good job, I am always stressing because I am not doing enough. I feel that I am failing my students by not being better. Then my mood goes spiraling down.

I don’t have any energy. I have great plans to go to the gym and work out – I want to do a 5k run this year and want to train for it…but there is no energy to fulfill those plans. My house is a mess right now – because I have no energy to clean it. My laundry is stacked up so much that it will take forever to get it all folded and put away. But I look at those messes and give up because there is too much to do and I have no energy to do any of it. I know that I could do just a little at a time and before long everything would be clean and tidy once again, but I just look at it and my energy drains.

I want to hide from the world. I want to run away and never return, or I want to hide under my blanket like a small child and never come out. I know I can’t really run away, but I just want to get away to where no one knows me and I can blend in with a crowd and just get lost. As much as I love my job, I even want to just give it all up so that I can hide away from everyone. But the kids, my wonderful students, are the bright spots of my day. They make me want to return.

I hurt all over. My head, my teeth, my back and sometimes, even my skin just hurts. I have a cavity that will be fixed soon, but there is no explanation for the rest of the pain. I have had an ongoing headache for more than two months – almost three months, now. The doctors have found no physical reason for the headache – I have had just about every test imaginable for it and nothing was found. Which is good, but doesn’t solve the problem. I go to a headache specialist in two months – the earliest I could get an appointment.

I am always anxious. I feel like something bad is about to happen at any minute. That the world will end, or that some huge financial disaster will happen. I just feel that I need to prepare for something – or run from something – but I don’t know what it is. I have been having panic attacks when I do “normal” things – going to the gym, going into a convenience store, driving down the street, sitting at home watching television. They happen so often that they are almost my new “normal.” I am on medication for this, too, but the anxiety and panic attacks persevere.

I can’t sleep. I haven’t had more than four hours of sleep for longer than I care to remember. When I finally do fall asleep, I wake up often. Any little noise or movement will wake me up. Then I am tired and exhausted the following day. Some days I feel like I am in a haze. I have taken medication for this, too, but did not like what it did to me. There were incidents when I was told that I had entire conversations that I don’t remember. Once, I was told that I had driven to a fast food place in the evening after I took a sleeping pill, and I didn’t remember any of it. One morning I drove my grandson to day care and couldn’t remember doing it. That was the day I gave that medication up!

I love to write – and even that has become difficult. I force myself to write at least a little each day, but when I go back to read it, I am not satisfied with it. Or I write the beginning of something and never return to finish it. Even with this, it’s hard to keep going.

Depression is not fun. It is like a creature that steals everything from you. It beats you down and does its best to keep you down. It takes away everything that used to make you happy and leaves you with a shell of the person you used to be.

But, I won’t let depression win. It may have me down for now, but in the end, I will win. I don’t know how, but I will win!

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Comments 11 comments

billybuc profile image

billybuc 3 years ago from Olympia, WA

And that is as honest a hub as I have read in a very long time.

I have never had depression but I am an alcoholic and I have felt like I can't go on, that life has no meaning.....I would always hear the voice of my father telling me to always keep moving forward. Somehow that was enough to keep me going.

Blessings to you my friend; sending a hug your way.

bill


justateacher profile image

justateacher 3 years ago from Somewhere Over The Rainbow - Near Oz... Author

Bill - thank you for your support, your hug and your blessings! I have those voices from my mom and my dad that keep pushing me along...and hugs from my grandbabies and wonderful friends that keep me going when things are at the worst. That is one of the greatest things about HubPages - the wonderful people like you that keep me going!


catgypsy profile image

catgypsy 3 years ago from the South

Wow, I felt like I was reading about myself in some of that. I can relate to the lack of energy, feelings of doom, anxiety, panic, and worry. Depression, anxiety and panic are tough to control and it makes it harder because a lot of people don't understand it and make you feel ashamed of it. Like it's just a weakness, that you just have to "buck up" (my brother actually said this to me once).

Anyway, I understand completely what you're going through and the one thing you have going for you is your attitude. Refusing to let this beat you shows how strong you are, even though you may not feel that way.

You did a marvelous job of describing what depression feels like. Such a gifted piece of writing. Hang in there and know that I'm sending you good thoughts. Telling myself " one day at a time" is what gets me through it sometimes.


justateacher profile image

justateacher 3 years ago from Somewhere Over The Rainbow - Near Oz... Author

Catgypsy...thanks so much! I have to keep reminding myself that I am not alone in this...and that I have to just take things one day at a time...thanks for the good thoughts! And of course I am sending some right back to you!


Genna East profile image

Genna East 3 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

I went through a depression once, years ago. Your words brought back what this feels like. Take heart, my dear, for there is hope, light and positive energy at the end of this tunnel. One day at a time. Hugs.


justateacher profile image

justateacher 3 years ago from Somewhere Over The Rainbow - Near Oz... Author

Genna- thanks for reading - and for the hugs! I see the light at the end of the tunnel - some days it's closer than others..


teaches12345 profile image

teaches12345 3 years ago

My heart goes out to you, dear lady. I can see the emotional and mental wrestling going on through your writing. I don't know how to comfort you other than to say you are truly in my prayers for a strong recovery and soon. Hang in there and know that others care. Take it one day at a time.


justateacher profile image

justateacher 3 years ago from Somewhere Over The Rainbow - Near Oz... Author

Teaches...your words are more comfort than you know...it's a tough road...but I'm tougher! Thank you for your prayers and for caring!


Frank Atanacio profile image

Frank Atanacio 3 years ago from Shelton

you r in my prayers justateacher...


justateacher profile image

justateacher 3 years ago from Somewhere Over The Rainbow - Near Oz... Author

Thank you Frank!


justateacher profile image

justateacher 3 years ago from Somewhere Over The Rainbow - Near Oz... Author

nikida - thank you for reading! I think the toughest part of all of this is the perception of the people around me - co-workers, friends and even family...my prayers are with you...

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