Blame It On...

The problem with having Lupus is, most times people forget that you have it. In fact, truth be told, I often forget I have it too, at least I would like to. I have chronic fatigue and pain, I have insomnia, due to the pain, and as a result, I suffer from depression. I'm not sure if I'm depressed due to the pain, or due to the insomnia. Like the preverbial question, which came first, the chicken or the egg, it's debatable. I used to believe that in time the pain would just go away…dissipate, but the truth is that, while some days are better than others, pain is present-I am presently in pain. I feel so old, but none the wiser.

I’m tired as hell and I hurt. I can take the emotional pain, I’ve survived a gamut of shit, and for the most part, I am sane, I am not clinically insane anyway, but I feel as though my brain has hijacked my body, or perhaps my body hijacked my brain-in that I have no control of neither, my body or my brain. The pain alone can make you feel crazy, but not being able to do what I want to do is depressing and often makes me feel like I must be out of my mind.

I feel good in my head when my body’s feeling good, when I’m doing things, I used to do, and have done all my life. The problem is, my body doesn’t always cooperate with what I want and wished I could do, feel I should do, but cannot seem to-another day wasted away, because I can’t seem to get out of bed. I am under a doctor’s care, but only for the pain…so, I sought help for my brain. I obtained a therapist, because I was convinced it was only in my head. I blamed my life and what I’d been through, the trauma, abuse, and betrayals. I blamed being excommunicated from my family, the things my ex husband did, being disowned by my family because I stayed with him, because I loved him, and believed in him, believed him, and trusted him, them, but in truth, I ultimately blamed myself. I should have known better, I should have known and saw through his lies, their lies, all the lies…in my defense, I told you I was not wise.

I blamed him for the pain, I still do, in all truth, I just don’t want to make him the ‘villain’ or ‘monster.’ I don’t want this to be about bashing men or about the anger, betrayal, and bitterness I felt…still feel, or about the resentment I feel for all of the lies, and being the only one that always tried, am still trying, to believe, that he’s capable of something more than lies. The point is, I refused to blame the lupus, because I convinced myself it was all in my head. I tell myself that I am not as sick as I feel, ignore the constant pain, I tell myself I’m not weak or depressed, and I will myself out of bed. I feel like my body betrayed me, or like it’s punishing me for what I have done with my life, in my life. When I was young I ignored my brain and did what my body wanted to, guess it’s payback. Would I have lupus, or suffer from it, even if I had not experienced all the hardships, trials, ordeals? Where would, could, or should I have been if I had been given a choice, or made other choices, the truth is, I have no idea. Either way, I’m not there anymore, I cannot change it from here. I can’t control, space, fate, or time, I can’t change my diagnosis, anymore than I can change the way that I physically feel, but I can change the way I feel emotionally and maybe that in turn can and will help me physically.

I needed and wanted to blame someone, something, anything, anyone, because I didn’t want to take the blame, for what I have done, did, and do to myself-for what my body is doing and has done to me. Mind over matter I kept and keep telling myself, you’re stronger than everyone thinks…than you think…Asking for help, needing help, isn’t and doesn’t mean that we’re weak, though admittedly, it makes me feel weak. I hate that I care, that I’m so sensitive, that I feel the way that I feel-that I allowed events, circumstances, and people, to get the better of me. I hate that my body never wants to do what my brain wants or tells it to. When I was young I ignored my brain and did what my body wanted to, it isn’t any wonder my body seeks retribution-karma’s a bitch, it’s true.