Feeling Manic -- How to Overcome It?

January 24, 2010

Lately, I have been feeling very manic.  I am either happy or sad.  Active or depressed and slothful.  There is no in between.  I can force myself to do what I have to, when I am down, but later, I don't remember having done it. 

This has been going on for the better part of a week.  While I had realized it, I had not identified it, until last night. 

My husband and I were sitting on the couch, talking and laughing.  Enjoying a good evening together.  Then, he asked me a question.  A question that required my opinion for the answer.  I began to think, then to cry.  He could not understand what what was going on, and neither could I.  All I could tell him was, "I can't think."

It was then, that I realized there was a scene playing in my head.  A picture I had seen many times in the past few days.  The picture was of a man speaking from a platform.  He stood behind a podium, in a room that looked very much like the lecture hall at the college I attended.  He was speaking on the same subject that I was trying to form an opinion on.

It reminded me of seeing a disaster on TV.  Of noticing something very unusual, and as you are trying to identify just what you are seeing, the reporter steps in front of the action and begins giving her point of view.  She becomes the focal point, not the disaster.  You keep watching, trying to figure out what was triggered in your mind, but her voice and thoughts override what you are seeing.

With a television, one can turn down the sound, find another station or simply turn it off, and decide that it is of little importance for the time being, knowing that there will be plenty of footage available to watch later.

With my mind, it is not so easy. 

1. The high moods which can make you feel overly happy, irritable or restless.
2. An extended period of intense mania that usually begins and ends suddenly and causes a radical change in an individual's social functioning.

For me, understanding goes a long way towards a cure. First, I wanted to know, "Who is that man, and what is he doing in my head?"

While I have not currently come up with an answer to either question, I do know that the platform and podium represent a place of authority. The position he is holding is one of authority. That is the most likely reason I have been listening to him. But what does he have to say?

This is another area, where I could not pin anything specific down. I do know that he is speaking on the subject at hand, but his words are unintelligible. They come through just loud enough and clear enough, to keep me form forming my own opinions.

While my inclination to is to completely through this guy out on his ear, I have not yet figured out how to get my hands on him. So I took the next option available. I took away his authority.

1. I am no longer in college. What is said from that platform is of no consequence to me.
2. I do not accept any person's voice on a subject, until I have studied it through and checked sources. At that point, I will compare what a person says with what I know to be truth.
3. I am taking every though captive. No thoughts are allowed to run free in my head, causing havoc. All thoughts are placed in a holding cell, until they have been examined. Then they are either allowed to be part of my thinking or thrown out.

I realized that these thought running free, were having the same effect on me that ten hungry, badly behaved dogs would have on my house, if they were let run free.

To mentally deal with the speaker, I very deliberately pictured myself putting away the notebook I had been taking notes in, and the pens. I got out a book, and in my head, I am reading it. I don't care if those around me see that I am not being a 'good' student. I have decided that this speaker holds nothing of value for me, and should be deliberately ignored. Hopefully class will be out soon, and I don't care if I am expelled for bad behavior!

Ivorwen, 2010.

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