Getting Thrown Out of a Small Diner Can Possibly Cure Your Boredom

This piece is dedicated to the bored people in my readership. I did not say the “boring” people. There is a big difference. Truth be told, I have no boring people in my readership.

Why you are bored is none of my business. When it comes to profiling and putting people into categories, I am living in the Stone Age. I simply do not know how to do these complicated things.

I do know from reading articles written by extremely-intelligent people that boredom is brought on by several factors: Job is not rewarding, burned-out with your daily routine, and just tired of doing the same thing over and over. And there are a number of people who get bored easily because they are not challenged by anything that is put before them.

Where am I going with this? Oh, you are going to have a ball when you find out. Come on. Get in our old military jeep and you can ride with us to the areas in Arizona and Oklahoma where life is slower, people are more-relaxed and life is set on its “Low” gear because there is no sense in going any faster.

To really bring this into focus for you, Andy Griffith who played “Andy Taylor,” sheriff of the fictitious “Mayberry,” N.C., well, compared to this near-desolate place in Oklahoma, “Mayberry” is another New York City.

Warning: This is no place for the easily-bored. If you are easily . . .oops, too late. We are already leaving Huntsville, Alabama and in a few long hours, we will be reaching our destination. A land of hot sun, Gila monsters, Indian artifacts, cacti, and small diners that dot the landscape.

Why did I bring you along with me? Well, I have this project I am working on and frankly, I have something up my sleeve and it is not a cufflink.

I brought you along as my witness to what we are going to do: Put the things in my list below entitled, “Getting Thrown Out of Small Diners Could Possibly Cure Your Boredom,” and like I said, it is only for the “Patience-Challenged.” And the other reason, the thing I have up my sleeve: The police out here move as fast as the turtles that cross the only highway that runs through this area of the United States. And to show you how little traffic uses this highway, there has not been one turtle death recorded since latter 1955.

Time to the truth to be revealed, so get ahold of Murry Povich and the lovely Robin Meade of Headline News because this, my friends, “is” a controversial story that the world needs to know about.

This place way past Norman, Oklahoma, going west, is a therapeutic experiment for those in my life whom are bored too easily. I have spent hours studying this concept forward and backward, and I am fully-convinced that I am onto something. I did not boast of finding a cure for boredom, just a way for the bored among us to deal with this mental condition that if not faced, will lead to pure, unadulterated laziness. And we simply cannot tolerate laziness.

What I plan on doing is taking one severely-bored person, hand him fifty-bucks and instruct him or her to go in that quaint little diner over there, that one called, “Maggie’s Big Eats,” and buy him or her a free lunch. That’s it.

Well not entirely. I have instructed this bored person of my choosing, to take their time and enjoy their meal. No hurry to get back and report to me about how they fared in the diner. I bet you didn’t know that I am an unlicensed, amateur sociologist, did you?

Now, “if,” and I really stress, “if,” the bored friend of mine feels a wave of severe-boredom overwhelming him or her, they are to remain still, take several deep breaths, and focus all of their energy on just finishing their delicious corned beef hash and goulash, I’m guessing is the “Special of The Day.”

But “if,” and again I stress “if,” they cannot master these severely-boring feelings and are about to fall fast asleep or start hallucinating, to do one or all of the following things, that is why I entitled this piece . . .

“Getting Thrown Out of Small Diners Could Possibly Cure Your Boredom.”

For you see, by the bored person actually performing one or all of the below items, their adrenaline will rush all over their body and when they are tossed from “Maggie’s Big Eats,” they will have experienced excitement and not boredom.

You might want to read these tips slowly so they will sink into your thinking.

--- Kenneth

For you see, by the bored person actually performing one or all of the below items, their adrenaline will rush all over their body and when they are tossed from “Maggie’s Big Eats,” they will have experienced excitement and not boredom.

• When you are served your order, take a bite, turn up your nose and say, “I see why there is a shortage of dogs in this town.”
• Ask your waitress, “Is an ape doing the cooking today?” and then sneer at her.
• Say, “What was the expiration date on this soup?” to where everyone in the diner can hear you and when your waitress scolds you, wink at her and sneer again.
• See if you can hit an innocent patron with a salt shaker and if you do hit them, and they get angry, just shrug your shoulders and say, “Is it my fault that you couldn’t catch a bus?”
• Walk up to a table of retired gentlemen who have patronized “Maggies Big Eats,” for ten years, and grab one of these men’s hats and try it on—parading around the diner for all to see you. When the retired man tries to catch you, say, “Too slow. old man. I’m keeping this hat!”
• Pull your shirt off as your waitress is bring you your order.
• Get up and dance the polka on the table being used by a family of four.
• Stand in front of the diner and start telling vulgar jokes and do all of the laughing yourself.
• Stand at the entrance of the diner and tell people coming in that you are from the health department and you have shut down this diner and put it under quarantine.
• Pull up a chair at someone’s table and eat from their plate as if nothing was wrong.
• Howl at the top of your lungs like a coyote.
• Pour an entire bottle of catsup on a minister who is having his lunch at a table near you. And then laugh at him.
• When the diner owner comes out of his office and tells you to “Get out,” you growl at him and say, “Make me.”
• If the diner owner threatens to call the cops, you whip out a fake city detective’s badge and yell, “The cops are already here!”
• Stand on your table and scream, “I thought this was a Hooter’s!”
• Note: I promise you bored person, if some or all of these lethal, anti-boredom items doesn not get you thrown out of “Maggie’s Big Eats,” or any small diner, at least you will be too exhausted to be bored.

Coming soon . . . “How to Freak-out a State Trooper”