Holding on By a Thread...

I am sure that the title to this Hub versus the pictures may seem confusing. The contrast in the beauty of the Autumn season and depression seem so very far apart. In truth, they are a reflection of the place that depression sometimes takes us. Life for those that are affected by depression can be confusing. Life is good and things are going great and yet... still we find ourselves feeling lost and alone.

Fall or Autumn, as it is truly known as, is a mirror of where the mind takes us. Looking outside, I watch as the leaves take on a new look. The colors are vibrant, reds and greens with that beautiful shade of yellow peeking through them. On the outside, so much "eye-candy" but there is a knowing that they will soon die and fall to the ground. They will be raked and either tossed in the waste or burned. I think about myself and others that are the same as me. Winter Will come and we Will feel it's bitter cold. The outside beauty often color coats the truth of what a person suffering from depression or bipolar really is.

Again, I show you that Fall is so much like the inflictions that come with being depressed. Yes, there is a beauty that anyone looking at me will see. A high that makes me believe that I will achieve the goals I have set for myself, one very important one, seeing my novels become house-hold reading. But, I also Know that with thast high will come a Low of equal strength. It will have the power to take myt mind to the darkest places one could imagine. A place that brings on fears and feelings of failure and short comings. Some-where that most would not want to go and that those that do strive so hard to be happy with no under-lineing of sorrow and questions.

I sit here today and want so much to win the battle of this disorder. I hear those that say "You just have to get over it." The echos of It is not something you can't control or get on with your life because of." Hmmm??? Such easy words to say and yet, unless you live this life, you can not understand nor pass judgement on those of us that fight each day, all day to not allow this infliction to take over our thoughts and actions. Depression is not something you simply get over. It is a reality that comes and goes with out warning. I write to find release and peace of the mind and heart.

Those that love us and live with us or deal with our issues, our safe place, struggle to understand why we are how we are. they want so badly to reach out and help us. They hold us and try to take our fears and tears away from us. Sometimes, they even try to absorb our sadness and make it their own. Ahhh, but we won't let that happen. That might hurt someone and our hearts are not made that way. Things we should have done or would have done if we had the strength to do so. NO ONE wants to be this way. It is draining at times and strips of the ability to do anything. We start 100 projects and finish none. If something is Not finished, it can not be reviewed or critiqued. Funny, how we think that way. To avoid a judgement, we simply do not complete something. And so life goes on for us in that way, waiting for the Low we know will follow the high.

I write this to let others know they are Not alone and that there is an understanding by others. Others that live the same scrambled egg life that I do. Those of you that love someone that suffers daily this way, know this. It is through Love and acceptance that we survive. Tourettes is a horrible battle and the issues that come with it can be as hard on the ones that love us as we our selves. By your seeing us as people and not freaks, allowing us to have our "Ticks" and head shaking, dropping things now and then because we could not control our hands or of our fingers movements, without pointing it out to us... That, is the love and safe place we seek out. Your walk with us is very often harder for you than us. We live with it and do not always think about the things we are doing. You, as our safe place, see it and cry for us, adding to our feelings that we cause our loved ones to cry. We carry that with us every-where we go.

Life... it is not the same as those not inflicted. I try to imagine a place that has no sorrows that are so deep, they hurt inside. I can not find it in my mind that there are truly those out there that live each and every day with out dread or fear or the feelings that you have failed in everything you have done. Welcome to my world. Just love me and give me a safe place to be. A place I do not have to hide my "ticks" and "jerks" and sounds that involuntarily find their way to my vocal cords. Not a freak! Just someone that deals with life a little differently than you. A person that sees the world through totally different eyes. A soul filled to the brim with enough love to explode all over the world. A heart that wants only to give and be like everyone else. <Love goes a Long ways for us. trust is an issue that comes few and far between for us. Love us and keep your trust true.

Ahhhh, the sadness fills me, and I do not know why. That answer is irrelevant. Suffice to say, we are there.

Comments 13 comments

debbie lawrence. 5 years ago

I hear you darrel,and although i do not know your pain,

I to am the freak so to say of the family, as i dont talk ,walk, or speak or as they do, it takes me way more do the same chore as it would take others,sometimes they take over it takes me so long,i feel so useless,they have to do thing for me slow down and go slower because i cant catch up,my point is things are not as they seem as the sadness fills me as well. you are not alone!!!!!


Dday50627 profile image

Dday50627 5 years ago from Iowa Author

thank you for reading this, Debbie. Though our trials come from different reasons, they are still trials and we do both feel the impact of living with the issues that are ours. I pray for you each day as I know you do for me. Our prayers and belief in God keep you and I grounded. Hugs for you and always know I am here.

Happyboomernurse profile image

Happyboomernurse 5 years ago from South Carolina

Touching hub honestly portraying the way clinical depression feels. I especially loved what you wrote toward the end about how a depressed person can be: "A person that sees the world through totally different eyes. A soul filled to the brim with enough love to explode all over the world. A heart that wants only to give and be like everyone else."

As your hub proves, people who suffer from depression can still have much to offer the world. Thanks for the gentle reminder of that fact and the reminder that depression isn't something one can just snap out of.

Dday50627 profile image

Dday50627 5 years ago from Iowa Author

Thank you happyboomernurse for your very kind words. I am glad that this hub touched you and meant something. It is often hard to write about these things because it exposes the writer and makes them vulnerable to words that may add to. I write what is in my heart and my world and appreciate so much when people read the words. Thank you again from my heart.

Seafarer Mama profile image

Seafarer Mama 5 years ago from New England

True...so easy for others to pass judgment when they cannot relate to another's limitations...and to feel like we've failed our loved ones by the way we are.

So glad that you have a safe place of love in your family.

Thank you for sharing!

Dday50627 profile image

Dday50627 5 years ago from Iowa Author

Thank you again, Seafarer... your comments are always an encouragement and soft touch for my soul. Thank you for that. Always, Darrel

marcoujor profile image

marcoujor 5 years ago from Jeffersonville PA

Dear Darrel,

I know the words are hard for you to express but you are opening the door of acceptance for so many who are feeling the very same thing... It is so easy to pretend that all is well on the surface, for this is what most of us are socially observing anyway. You have delved into a reality where judgment has no place in my mind.

My dear, we are who we are. Life seems better to me when we know we are not alone. I do hope you realize that you are loved by many in this community, with me at the head of the parade (with ALL of my imperfections!)

Please be gentle with yourself. Have a peaceful day and will TTYS, mar.

Dday50627 profile image

Dday50627 5 years ago from Iowa Author

Mar... writing is truly therapy for many, myself included. To put down into writing the daily tortures of one that is suffering from a disorder is not always easy. Although it does open doors to others and shows them they are Not alone, it also opens up my mind to exactly where I am in my life and my little world. It nrings things to the surface that are normally kept tucked away so that they do not take me to the dark places. When I write of my inner feelings, I expose myself to the world and that can be very scary.

I thank you so much for you giving away precious time to read and comment here. It does mean so much to me. Please take care of yourself.

Always I am, simply Me.

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jami l. pereira 5 years ago

You are like everyone else , even with tourettes , except you are more beautiful inside , your way of expression , the Love in your heart ,and the countless weight of wisdom that beams from you like a shining star .

You are so amazingly gifted , All i can say is Wow , your words pour as honey from the tree ,floating through the air as a single bee , yet , you have a way that makes the angels drop to their knees, on sodden ground, falling as your words absorb through hearts in leaps and bounds .... I voted up all the way across the board , except funny , of course , I love the way you express yourself and who you are. :)

Dday50627 profile image

Dday50627 5 years ago from Iowa Author

Jami, I can write here to tell you what your beautiful words mean to me but I write knowing that the words will never nor can they convey to you the feeling that wells up inside of me as I read them. thank you seems so small and yet it is all I can offer up for the precious words you placed here. I would like one day to see exactly the man that you have seen here. I know he exist and yet... And so I will say Thank you with as muchfeeling as I can put in to it and hope that you feel it's reality and strength. Always I am, Simply me.

Shane Belceto profile image

Shane Belceto 5 years ago from WA USA

Well written and thank you for connecting some lines and helping others. So true that love is the anser huh?

~Expect Miracles

Dday50627 profile image

Dday50627 5 years ago from Iowa Author

Thank you so much for reading this. I also thank you for your kind words. Always, Darrel

Shane Belceto profile image

Shane Belceto 5 years ago from WA USA

You are quite welcome and the thank you goes to youf or starting the conversation and sharing fromt eh heart with all of us. Hugs

~Expect Miracles

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