How to Breathe: 3 Easy Steps to Breathing
Are you low on oxygen?
Are you constantly falling unconscious during the day?
Do people always go up to you and ask why you’re turning blue?
If so, have you tried breathing?
Breathing gives people many benefits, like being able to live and allowing smokers to look cool. Here are some easy steps that show you how to breathe and get back on track.
Steps to Breathing
Step 1: Open your mouth or use your nose and inhale air. DO NOT TRY USING BOTH UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.
Step 2: breathe out through your mouth/nose. Again, DO NOT TRY USING BOTH UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.
Step 3: make sure not to eat and breathe at the same time. That is for advanced breathers.
Step 4: go back to Step 1 and start over again
NOTE: do not do this underwater, it will not work. Trust me, I tried. Besides, you’re having trouble breathing on land – maybe trying to do so underwater isn’t the brightest of ideas.
With that said, here are some strategies on breathing underwater for the adventurous/stupid:
Hold a bucket over your head while underwater
The pressure you create with the bucket will allow air to be trapped underneath, which you can safely breathe as long as it doesn’t run out.
Use a straw as a breathing apparatus
The straw allows you to draw oxygen from above. You can tape several straws together if going into deeper depths. It’s totally foolproof.
Be a fish
Probably the best way to breathe oxygen underwater. You'll have (even more) difficulties breathing on land, though.
You might be thinking, "now why do we want to breathe again?" as you pass out from lack of oxygen. Well, it turns out breathing does a lot of cool, useful things for our day to day lives.
Things that breathing helps with:
Exercise can be very challenging without oxygen, and also very dangerous. Safety is our number one concern, so make sure you breathe during those semi-annual 5 minutes of intense jogging.
Reducing mental and physical fatigue
If you’re feeling exhausted (probably from all that fainting you keep doing) breathing will help you restore your energy levels for better, more exciting activities.
“exciting” activities (wink wink nudge nudge)
Whether with a lover or your trusty left hand, getting intimate can be an intense activity. You should do your best to avoid falling unconscious during this time. Luckily, heavy breathing will help prevent such an embarrassing event. Be safe and breathe.
Detecting personal carbon dioxide emissions, or farts
Farts are a dangerous chemical weapon and while there are many types, it’s the “silent but deadly” ones you should look out for because they’re the hardest to notice (and often the most fatal). Breathing will help you detect those toxic gases so you have time to put on a gas mask or get to higher ground.
Calling someone and acting like a stalker with heavy breathing
Silence never establishes your lurking presence so how will you ever be considered a stalker to those you love (to stalk)? By breathing heavily you’ll be certain to creep people out and possibly get a restraining order if caught. Bonus Force points if you do this with a Darth Vader mask.
Running away from tigers
Tigers are a common problem in urban areas all over the world, and they’ve been getting more and more aggressive towards humans. Breathing will certainly help you get away from an unexpected tiger attack.
Make sure to take deep breaths and that your shoelaces are tied. Don’t waste your breath screaming like a little girl, you can do that after you escape (or if you get caught).
Bands that like to breathe:
“Breathe in, breathe out” - Machinehead
“Inhale, inhale, inhale. Exhale, exhale, exhale.” – Breathe.
“Baby, isn't that the way that love's supposed to be. I can feel you breathe. Just breathe.” – Breathe
That’s pretty much all you need to know about breathing correctly, safely and effectively. Master these steps and you will be able to continuously breathe for the rest of your days.
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