Unbeatable Advice on How to Nap

Are you in a fix as to how to catch a little snooze-time during the day? Do you wish you knew how to nap without really trying? Do you think you would be a better person if only you could hit the sofa for an hour in the afternoon but you are not sure about how to go about it?

Well you have come to the right page, because my skills, and experience at sleeping-at-will are quite extensive and should not go to waste when there are so many needy individuals out there who haven't a clue as to how to nap.

"Four score and seven years ago...

I took a nap."

--Abe Lincoln

Our early ancestor, the Neanderthal man, was not intelligent enough to nap--which is one reason he died out. Without the ability to drop-and-snooze the poor primitive just kept right on chasing women and saber-tooth tigers until he couldn't stay awake any longer. Then he would sleep. But sleeping is not napping. (see The Journal of Histerical Science--Vol 2). Napping is an aquired ability that comes after much practise. Humans are not born napping---they need to learn it.

Now you may be saying 'hey! What about babies? They nap naturally!'

This is a mis-nomer. Babies don't nap, they just forget to stay awake. That's a different thing altogether, so go back to your seat and be quiet.

Now where was I? You've interrupted my train of thought and my notes just blew out the window so I'll have to improvise the rest of this.

There are several methods which I would suggest for the beginner. These are fairly easy to do and you can practise them without any special equipment.

1. Get yourself ensconced on a sofa or bed in a dimly-lit room. If necessary get a gun and shoot out the light bulbs. Cover yourself with a blanket or if you live on the street, get in a box and cover up with some newspapers. Even better, if you live on the street, find that guy sleeping on his sofa in the dimly lit room where the light bulbs have been shot out and crawl in with him. If he objects, tell him you are a researcher studying napping. This will put him at ease.

2. Now close your eyes. If you don't trust the guy off the street sleeping beside you, keep one eye open.

3. Visualize a beach. See yourself on the beach. Hear the sea gulls, watch the waves as they crest and crash on the white sand. But wait, what is that street person doing on the beach? This is YOUR beach. Tell him to go find his own. If he doesn't you will have to put him in a small boat and push him out to sea. He may be lucky and catch a ride on an Italian Cruise Ship like the Costa Concordia.

4. Now if you are feeling sleepy, having got rid of your dream-trespasser, see yourself on a spiral disc that is spinning ever-faster and faster. The faster it spins the dizzier you get. The dizzier the sleepier. Suddenly the disc is going so fast you fly off it and rocket through space, ending up in a bowl of clam chowder. Enjoy the chowder. Eat all you want. After all, dream calories are practically non-existent.

5. Napped enough? Time to wake up ? Just tap your feet together and repeat 'there's no place like Winnipeg...there's no place like Winnipeg...' and voila you are back in the land of sentient entities.

Now not everyone will find napping as smooth as this outlined above. Some will have problems. I often receive letters from those who claim they just cannot do it.

For example, Jeremy Irons of Birdsong, Alberta says: "I can't seem to close my eyes. I close them but they just pop open again. Do you have any suggestions?'

Jeremy: Yes. This is a common problem. You might try listening to a speech by Ron Paul. This usually works to get eyes closed and often induces REM sleep within seconds.

Marilyn from Manhattan asks: "I like to nap...maybe too much! How do I wake up more and nap less?"

Marilyn: In my opinion you cannot nap too much. If more people napped we would have fewer wars, blood pressures would drop, people would be happier and world peace would finally reign for all nations. Let's start a movement!

Harold of Hamburg writes: "This is a little off-topic, but can you tell me how to defragment my computer? It's an old Windows 98 OS and I can't find anything on it anywhere."

Harold: "Take a nap. The answer will 'come to you' when you awake.

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Now, where did I put my night-mask?