How to Stop Smoking and Irritating People
Ashes in Your Mouth…
Smoking and second-hand suffering
Have you ever been in a car driving down the back roads or on the highway with some friends and the ever-present smell of smoke is inflaming your nose? You politely say nothing and roll down the window, pretending to take in the fresh air (actually you are.) and look out, trying not to gasp or look desperate. The smoking carries on a while as you strain your neck looking around, and over your shoulder, trying to discern whether it’s safe to close the window that’s now making you freeze as the speedometer rises and the wind cuts into you like a knife (must remember to bring a jacket next time).
Then the smoking stops and all the windows are brought up by the driver because he can’t hear himself talking because of the rushing wind. Now, not enough time has elapsed to let the smoke completely disperse, and on top of that you get the feeling that everyone else thinks you are trying to sabotage the conversation with your constant antisocial practice of opening the windows fully whenever someone starts speaking, but in actual fact it’s whenever they start to light up.
So now you see that smoking really can be bad for your health, not only because of the smoke inhalation, but getting sick from the cold too (and perhaps burns if someone stabs you with a lit cigarette, but that’s another story).
The laws to ban smoking in public places haven’t worked all that much, because now people will smoke in their cars in public places, and the people that suffer are the passengers.
Have you ever seen a person look for their cigarettes? Their child could be drowning or choking or both and they would be running around frantically, panicking and saying, “Where are my smokes? Where are my bloody smokes? I had them here a minute ago! Now I’ll have to buy another pack!”
I wonder if they’d bother getting another baby.
So now you see that smoking really can be bad for your health, not only because of smoke inhalation, but by getting ignored while drowning, choking or both and left to die.
People claim that they smoke because it’s relaxing and stress relieving. Maybe so for the smoker, but not the smokee, since they are always looking for ways to avoid getting swamped in thick masses of murderous mist.
In the movies when a guard gets bored or stressed from having to watch the same spot unflinchingly, and sees that nobody is watching him to make sure that he is watching, he sneaks off, preferably to a balcony or cliff and lights up, while looking out; the smoke exits from his lips and he doesn’t hear the footsteps behind him as he lets out the obligatory loud, long sigh that’s supposed to complete the sensation, like washing the shampoo out of your hair before drying or else it won’t shine as brightly.
Then the loud, long scream erupts as he falls down the side of the building/cliff face.
So now you see that smoking really can be bad for your health, because of temporary deafness or unawareness, leading to death from plummeting to your death.
That One Time
I tried smoking when I was fifteen and sixteen. I think everybody tried it at least once to see what all the fuss was about. It starts out that way. You hate the taste and the smell; you cough and spit, and your tongue and nose burns with the acrid taste as you quickly reach for something to get rid of it. After the deed is done, you have to change your clothes, and spray on a lot of deodorant as well as chew some gum to get rid of the taste and smell. “What’s the big deal?” you ask, “It was awful.” Then, after a few times, you start to get the cravings. And those cravings last long after you stop too. Each time you see a packet, you think of taking one on the quiet. It’s been years since those days. I don’t smoke and I most likely won’t start again either.
Things you can try instead of cigarettes that might help if you are a smoker
• Nicotine patches
• Smoking banana leaves
• Smoke rolled up paper
• Smoke tea leaves
• Drink lots of water
• Chewing gum
• Chewing toothpicks
• Chewing pencils
• Listen to ‘Quit Smoking’ CDs or MP3s
• Squeeze a stress ball.
• Smoke cigars (that’s what one kid’s dad made him do.)
• E-cigarettes (new and going through testing)
Things you can try to avoid second-hand smoke and make smokers feel self-conscious and guilty (and peeve them off)
• Roll down the windows in the car.
• Open the windows in a house.
• Follow them around with an ashtray.
• Whenever they talk to you, say, “Wanna light?” during a pause.
• Spray deodorant or air freshener in every room they’ve been in and the room they are currently in while smoking.
• Eat in a different room.
• When at a restaurant, without asking, sit in the no-smoking area.
• If children are around, tell them to leave the room because of all the smoke.
• If they go out, ask them if they are going to buy cigarettes again.
• If they offer you a lift in their car, which smells like smoke, turn them down politely.
• Paste no-smoking signs around your house (my dad did this).
• Keep an oxygen tank in your home.
• Put on a gas mask!
"I'd rather kiss a mad cow on the muzzle than a smoker on the mouth."— Paul Carvel
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© 2008 Anti-Valentine
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