Look here! Tips For Losing Weight Fast...Fatty!

Wow!  You are really fat!  You look in the mirror and a tear trickles down your face.  When people look at you, the exact opposite reaction happens--they laugh their asses off.  Why did this have to happen to me?  Why right now?  Is there a way to change my problem?  Can I actually lose some weight?  Well kiddies, you are in luck. Good old Uncle Jawn is here to save your fat life.  I want to tell you my tips for losing weight fast.  You heard me...fast.  If you follow my instructions, you will lose 100 pounds in one day...haha.  That is a lot of vomiting.

Here are my tips for losing weight fast:

1. Liposuction.  If you have been trying to lose weight forever, why not take the easy way out?  Call up you local hospital and find out the fees for simple liposuction surgery.  If you do not know what this is, you have not been in the losing weight game for so long now have you?  But really, liposuction is a very painful surgery where a doctor sticks a large pole in your fat belly and literally sucks out all of your problems...fat.  All this fat is later transferred into a sack that is right beside your head.  Wow!  The smell is disgusting.  If you are lucky, the doctor will not suck you up too.  But look on the bright side you are now skinny!
2. Take the supermodel approach if you are really desperate.  There is purging--you know vomiting out the food you consumed.  However this is not what I am suggesting.  I am heading more toward the citrus diet.  The citrus die...et is where you go one week on nothing but lemon and water.  It isn't that healthy, but you will look really good. Remember, it is 1 part lemon and 3 parts water.  Have a fun weak of nothing but sh**ting.
3. Get a personal trainer.  If you can't help yourself lose weight, get another poor soul to help you.  Yes, buy yourself a personal trainer.  These people are very cheap...one sec...he..hehe...thank you.  Like I said, these people are very cheap and can help you get to your goal weight.  If you can handle someone breathing and yelling into your face or ear area, this might be the option for you.  Really...do you really want to get up a 6:30 a.m. for a session?
4. Stop eating chocolate bars.  Simple enough,  watch what you are putting down your pie-hole.  Really, those chocolate bars will make you the next Olympic athlete.  STOP IT!  You are fat.  Ignore you emotions for a second and notice that chocolate is only a cover up.  STOP IT FATTY!  Put down the god damn chocolate bar.  The saying is...you are what you eat.  Do you look like a lumpy turd?  STOP EATING THE CHOCOLATE BAR!
5. Workout.  This is a really old method and may be foreign to you: go to the gym and pick up weights.  After you have picked up weights, it might be a good idea to get your ass onto a treadmill.  I think you should probably run 1 or 2 thousand kilometers for the sake of your life.  Hey, if you need motivation, look in the mirror.  Wait...don't do that...okay do that.  You are really fat!  Go to the gym and save your life now.
6. Monitor your progress.  Go out to your local dollarstore and buy yourself a calendar.  HEY...ignore those chocolate bars on your left.  Now, bring the calendar home and write down your current weight on the current date (I should write songs...it rhymes).   Your goal is to try and lose 1 - 2 pounds a week.  For each day, write out what you can do to lose weight.  Next thing you know, you have made it to your goal.  The idea is to keep you scattered fat brain to stay focused on your goals.

These were my tips for losing weight fast.  If you really really want to lose weight fast...cut off a limb.  But if you are more sensible than this, know that your effort will take some time.  This all depends on how much damage you have done to your body.  If you stick to your goal you will be a twig in no time.  Good luck to you my dough filled friend.  Fatty...fatty...fatty...fat.