Not Over Till It's Over

This morning I waited for my father to wake from his night sleep. He has been getting out of bed around 6 a.m. and it was 8;30 a.m. now. Two weeks ago, this would not have had any effect on me at all. Why the sudden change you ask? Two weeks ago I only knew that my father wasn't well. In and out of the hospital in the past few months, his health was deteriorating right in front of my face. Each visit to the ER ended in a hospital stay and each stay was longer. The last trip was long and rough for all involved. There were things revealed that left my father with life changing decisions. Choices were few and he had a hard choice to make.

I think back to what some days seems like only yesterday even though it has been many years now. When I was told 14 times that my wife would not live through the night, I would smile at the doctors. "You have no idea who you have lying in that hospital bed. She will be fine as she always is." The fifteenth time I said the very same thing. It was 1 a.m. when she was rushed into emergency surgery. When the surgeon came out a very short time later I knew something had changed. His words to me hit me like a ton of bricks and knocked me to the ground. This time, she would not be alright; she would not recover and come home. I learned from Sheila that it was never over until it was over. I also learned that no matter what I told myself for twenty-five years, there really was no preparing for the end.

Although I am not ignorant and know that no one lives forever, tomorrow or the next day never entered my mind. One just seems to think that a loved one will be here forever. For my father, forever has a time limit on it. Knowing this family and all of the times that God has interceded I listened to the words of the surgeon closely. The choices were really quite simple in their own way. Quality or quantity of life were the given choices and as simple as they were spoken, the decision was not reached quickly nor easily. Quality of life won out over the possibility of longer life with huge risks of complications that might steal away any chance of quality. The family and doctors agreed with Dad's choice and so life goes on. How much time we would have with him was given and we all processed the words in our own way, silently and alone.

"He might simply go to sleep one night and heaven will call him home." Life changing words that would scream out to cherish each and every moment with him. Watching his daily activities and knowing he had begun to wake earlier than normal; 6 a.m. instead of 9:30 a.m.was becoming the new normal. When there is a change again and he slept late my mind went for a walk. I wondered why he was sleeping so long. I peeked into him room waiting for him to move or cough. I looked for anything that would tell me he was fine. He stirred and turned on his side. A feeling of relief and happiness washed through me as I quietly closed his door. I stood by his door and silently said a prayer. I am selfish I guess in that I want to keep him here much longer than doctors say.

As I leaned on the wall outside of his room a thought entered my mind. How much time did I want to lose, waiting for what happens to each one of us? The time that we have left to share together needs to be more than waiting. I remembered Sheila and I smiled. I thought about the things she taught me and knew that they applied to dad's scenario as well. There was not then and would not be now a way to be prepared. The only thing I could do to make it less painful is to make certain that the time we spend together is quality time. His attitude and his spirit has so much to do with how well he does. And I must remember most of all... it is not over until it is over.