Those Are Not My Eyes
I swear my life is strange. I sometimes think a television camera should be following me because half of the stuff that happens I don’t believe myself. My dad had this saying, “Believe none of what you hear and half of what you see.” I get it now.
Hold on to your hats guys the theme of today’s topic is BOOBS, TATAS, FUN BAGS or whatever you want to call them. I know that they are a favorite; I see it in your eyes all the time. BREASTICLES are cool cause they come in all shapes and sizes and have a personality all of their own. So they must be talked about because I am definitely having a BEWBIE day.
I had a wicked night last night full of booze and debauchery ok well maybe just booze. This makes this morning even more hilarious to me, possibly because I am still intoxicated.
I wake up this morning and head to the puter to check things out. The first email I see is from my mom. I actually had to read it twice to make sure she was serious. My mother sent me an email to tell me that they were giving out free mammograms at the neighborhood grocery store. Don’t get me wrong anything free is good but this immediately puts way too many visuals in my head. TATAS on display next to the melons or in the dairy aisle, I could take this joke to the end of the day. In fact I tried to take it there when I called my mother back laughing hysterically. My mother actually said to me, “Leave the stand up to Wanda Sykes.” I took it as a complement I might have to start going on tour if I am as good as Wanda Sykes. My mom finally hung up with me not out of disgust but because she was laughing (and I could hear her shaking her head at me in disbelief) and at work.
See BOOBS have been an issue with me since I was in elementary school. This might be hard for some of you to understand but that is when I first started to develop. And trust me it was no easy task being young with growing KNOCKERS that everyone was noticing. I would be easily disgusted by many old men ogling my CHEST. Salivating like the big bad wolf in Little Red Riding Hood. I was too young to understand what was going on but old enough to know that I did not like it one bit. Little did I know that my BREASTS would some day rule my world.
So it only took me about an hour to get over the BOOB check in the grocery store email. Actually I will never be over that I will probably make cracks at my mom for a few more weeks to come. And if I actually do go and get my mammogram there (yes I am considering it) that will only extend my jokes for another week or so maybe even longer.
After reading my emails and doing a bit of work it was time for me to head out and take two of my three kids to daycare. Yep still have a sick one at home. This is usually the time that I run my errands to get them out of my way so that I can come home and focus on work. Today I only had a couple of quick errands; medicine for sick kid and Gatorade for sick kid….too bad the liquor store wasn’t open yet or I would have gotten a little treat for mom too. While I was standing in line at the store a man came and stood in line behind me. He made some comment under his breath and I tried to ignore him but knew that he was going to make conversation with me. If I haven’t mentioned this yet I should state for the record that I am one of those people that has, “please-come-talk-to-me-even- if-I-have-a-disgusted-look-on-my-face, have-earphones-on-or-look-genuinely- disinterested-in-anything-you-have-to-say. And-please-make-sure-that-you-tell-me-all your-dirty-little-secrets-because-I-truly-care-and-want-to-hear-every-little-detail-even though-I-don’t-know-who-the-hell-you-are-and-probably-will-never-see-you-ever-again” written across her forehead. So I engaged in petty conversation with said stranger. At one point there was a lull in the conversation (while I was wondering if this line would ever move) and I was trying to break away from this stranger completely because the whole situation was really awkward. He looks in my direction and says, “Wow you have really big….eyes.” I was in such a mood, ok I am always in such a mood that my response escaped me without me even thinking about it and I said, “Those aren’t my eyes!” He chuckled nervously and I turned around ready to check out. I mean really he wasn’t looking anywhere near my eyes at all. But I get that a lot it seems. As if my boobs define who I am. Personally I think my eyes are a lot prettier than my TATAS but then again I’m not a guy.
So remember guys talk to the eyes and glance at the CHEST. In case you forgot the eyes are on the head (not that head) and the FUN BAGS are on the upper body. I know it gets confusing but when you are talking to us we really don’t feel like you are listening if you are staring at the RACK and not at our face.
Please look deep into my eyes…… ;)
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