embarrassment at the gym

Somethings in life are absolutely unavoidable!

It all started one morning with a slight bubble in my belly (you know the type) and a positive attitude about getting a good work-out. I dressed in a new set of work-out clothes at about 6 am that morning. I got my shoes on and tied, and headed to the gym. En route to the gym I stopped by a port-a-potty to relieve my pressure from the night before. It was at this point that I felt the gurgling restlessness of my stomach and subsequent pressure. By the end of the pee I let out a nice healthy fart followed by two smaller “aftershocks” I call them.

During all this I paused to consider whether or not I should continue to the gym. The restless of my stomach was gone so I decided to continue. I entered the gym, signed in, grabbed my towel and water, and picked out an empty treadmill. I picked a nice pace for the treadmill and proceeded to run for about twenty minutes. Not once during my run did I feel unsteady in the belly, so upon completion I decided with utter confidence that I would work on my abs.

I walked over to a machine that you hang off of while you are propped up by your elbows. On this machine your legs dangle, then by curling your hips and flexing your abs you raise your knees. I was pretty tired by the run so I just raised my knees. I did three sets of ten repetitions, which is almost a standard for anything at the gym. I rested for about one minute between each of these sets. After the last one I felt a slight twinge in my lower belly, but it passed rather quickly and I thought nothing of it. I decided to continue my work-out with sit-ups next.

That was a great idea.

In this particular gym the sit-up area is also where they do aerobics. A class was in session. No music was playing either. It was a single person led session where the instructor spoke to the class. Along the mirrored wall were foot holders for sit-ups. I walked around the class and picked out a spot to conduct my sit-ups. I got into the start position, knees flexed at 90 degrees, hands behind my head, fingers interlocked, and hands on the floor.

I don’t know whether it was the running or the continuous contraction of my abdominals but as I reached sit-up number thirty the gurgling returned. By number 35 on the upward part of the sit-up I farted. This fart was no ordinary silent fart that could be easily ignored. It was so loud in that little room that it sounded like a car had backfired. It was quick too, not quick enough though. Everyone in the class heard it and started to laugh. I promptly stopped, picked up my towel and water, and briskly walked out of that little room leaving the aerobics students to their braying laughter. As I walked out I glanced in the mirror and noticed that my face was turning every shade of red you could imagine. As I was walking out of the room another blaster escaped me causing the laughter to grow louder. At this point I just wanted to hide in a hole somewhere until I forgot about it.

I don’t do sit-ups with even the slightest feeling of lower belly uncertainty anymore.