A Valentine Poem - The Safest Valentine Gift?

A Valentine poem to melt her heart. Want to avoid a Saint Valentine's Day Massacre? Then tread carefully. This special date matches raised expectations with clumsy choices, like a man trap set in the path of true love. Fate wants you to fail. Why? Because it's funnier that way.

Why are we here? We're here to learn. And what all men must learn is that Hell hath no fury like a woman whose man fudged up the most romantic day of the year...

Valentine's Day, named for St.Valentine, is, of course, the annual celebration for lovers that falls on February 14th. It was established by Pope Gelasius I in 496 AD, to commemorate several early Christian saints who bore the name Valentine.

Valentine of Terni became bishop of Interamna, modern Terni, about 197 AD and was martyred during the persecution under Emperor Aurelian. Valentine of Rome was a priest who was martyred in 269 AD. There was a third Valentine, martyred in Africa, but little more is known about him.

Traditionally, it's a day on which lovers express their love by keeping the greetings card and cut flower industries afloat, when they give gifts of flowers, confectionery, and greeting cards, or valentines. Blame Geoffrey Chaucer, whose circle began to associate the day with the notion of romantic love, at a time when the tradition of courtly love first started.

Blame him for the awful bear trap that is this special day, a day set aside for the torment of men. Because they are simple creatures whose happiness is offensive to women. Blame him, and beware the traps your wives and girlfriends set for you.

You're not interested in the early Roman martyrs. You don't care about keeping the greetings card industry afloat. You are a single man, and you don't know how lucky you are.

You're in a relationship? In that case, it's not optional. One way or another, you get to do something for Valentine's day. Here are some options:

Relive your first date

Women - I am unreliably informed - love it when their significant other remembers the details of their past. Like the restaurant you went to on that first date, what you ate, and what you did later.

Oh really? So, Micky D's it is. Cheese whopper and fries, followed by a listless walk around town and a grope at a bus stop. That should go down a treat.

Go for a massage together

Either give her a full body massage or - better still - reserve a double massage for the two of you. Take time off work and enjoy some relaxing downtime together.

There are so many ways this could go badly wrong. You give her a full body massage? So you're standing there in your boxer shorts, waving a bottle of lotion, when she struggles in through the door carting six bags of groceries, just back from work and late night shopping? That's not going to go well.

Or you spring a massage booking on her. So she gets to be manhandled - more likely woman-handled - while you get more of the same on an adjoining table, from a pretty little thing in a skimpy nurse type outfit. What could possibly go wrong? The first time you let out a moan of pleasure is the instant when your significant other will begin to plan your ruin. You have a joint bank account and the house is in her name. And bearing all that in mind, how much fun are you going to have?

Get away from it all for the weekend

Surprise her with a long weekend break - hop on a plane, or just drive out of town.

Turn up at any airport these days and you're going to get felt up. Just not by your wife. Queueing is bad enough at any time. Waiting in line to be sexually assaulted at gunpoint is a circle of hell all to itself. And this is your idea of a Valentine treat? Big mistake. You've both been exposed to enough shortwave radiation to heat a taco, from a machine that takes nude pictures of you through your clothes, mainly for the sniggering entertainment of overpaid public servants. Now a large uniformed woman with a moustache is fondling your wife. Think she's enjoying it? That smile isn't really a smile. It's a fixed grin of barely suppressed rage. Guess who's going to get the full benefit of that, later?

See what can go wrong? Everything! No matter which way you turn, and despite the fact you're only trying to do good, fate will try to do you terrible, terrible harm. Because it's Valentine's day.

Seriously, why are you listening to me? A single man whose romantic history is a series of train wrecks?

Because I have studied these creatures for many years, and I'm beginning to understand how their minds work. You cannot possibly imagine the depths of evil to which any woman will have recourse should you transgress any one of a hundred unwritten laws. Remember - I'm here to help. Like when you go out to buy...

Chocolates. Lingerie. No. This is a minefield. These are stock gifts, with stock comments all ready to go.

'You bought me chocolates? How thoughtful!'
Subtext: When I've been trying to lose weight and eating like a mouse for the past six weeks just so I could fit into the dress I wore on our first date. Not that you've noticed.

'Oh. You got me lingerie.'
Subtext: Which looks about as comfortable as plastic wrapping twine, and will make me resemble a lower echelon hooker if I ever wear it. Which, despite that hopeful and slightly glazed expression of barely concealed lust crawling all over your face, will never happen. If there's no receipt in that bag, you're a dead man.

Okay. You get it. You can't do right for doing wrong. But all is not lost. You don't have to think about what to get your wife or girlfriend when it comes to a Valentine gift. Because sitting down and working out exactly what they might want - actually thinking about it - that would be the worst torture of all. No, all you have to do is - write a Valentine poem.

I'm sorry. I tried to spring it on you so it would hurt less, like ripping a plaster off. I wish things weren't this way, but they are. Cowboy up. Deal with it.

You can't go wrong. You just need a spare hour to get it done, and you'll earn so many Brownie points you won't have to do the washing up for weeks.

Word of warning: As you value your life, do not copy a poem from the internet. Because what was found on the internet...can be found on the internet. After reading your poem for the first time, your significant other will take the first opportunity to find out if you took this route. Because women are like that. She will check the web to see where you stole it from. And if you did, you're doomed. Doomed.

You must write your own Valentine poem. For real.

It doesn't have to be epically long. It doesn't have to be all that good. It does have to be heartfelt - and totally, 100%, all your own work original.

It helps if it rhymes, however badly, and refrains from the temptations of bawdy limericks and rude rhymes that most men automatically think of when someone mentions poetry. At this very moment, you're thinking of a young man from Nantucket. Don't go down that route.

If your Valentine poem is sweet, heartfelt, and simple, you have done your job. If you can make her blub a little, you are a boss. If it makes the missus frown and glare at you, you got it wrong. Hide.

You wrote your Valentine poem. You wrote your tender Valentine verses. You didn't copy a single word. She read it and choked up a little. You remembered to not punch the air and shout 'Yes!' like you just scored a goal. You're feeling pretty pleased with yourself about now, right?

Sucker. When you set the bar that high, do you think she'll ever settle for less in future? Now you have to beat your first poem every year with another romantic gesture that's every bit as touching, and no less entertaining. And that's why I hate Valentine's Day.