Merry Christmas

Last night I was trying on my christmas costumes ready to receive my girl friends for a Christmas Eve celebration when I heard a noise downstairs. My boyfriend had gone out with his mates earlier and they were not coming back to join the girls until after midnight when the real party was supposed to begin, so I got a bit scared when I heard a glass smashing against the floor. We don’t have a dog or a cat, and the girls where not arriving for another half an hour. I didn’t have anything suitable to scare the intruders so I went down the stairs on my tip toes wearing only my Christmas top and string, holding for only weapon one of my leather floggers.

You cannot imagine my surprise when half way down the stairs I discovered this fat guy dressed up in a Santa costume half mooning his white flesh while trying to leave a couple of presents under my tree. When he turned round to see who was on the stairs, I am not sure who was more surprised him or me. I think I really scared him away with my leather flogger and the mad look in my eyes because he dropped the presents and tried to hide in the chimney!

Can you imagine that? This fat guy trying to hide in my tiny chimney? But that was not the most surprising thing, the most surprising thing was that he actually managed to enter in there and disappeared up the Chimney.

I was starting to recover from the shock when someone rang the bell. Still shocked I went to open the door to find the same fat guy standing in front of me naked! Wearing nothing but his black boots…

The poor old guy apologized for the inconvenience -after I flogged him a couple of times- and explained to me that in his hurry to escape from my sight he had lost all his clothes in my chimney. At this point I had stopped flogging him and offered him a cup of hot toddie while we waited for the girls to arrive to help us find a solution to this conundrum.

When the girls finally arrived –all at once as usual- we sat around Santa trying to find a solution when Angelina come up with a brilliant idea. As none of us could go up the chimney searching for the old guy’s clothes, the best thing was to buy him a new set of clothes.

In about five minutes we found dozens of Santa costumes for men online and ordered one in his size with extra quick delivery.

Meantime, we decided to let Santa join our girls party. We had a great night, although it was difficult to explain to the boys the whole story. Of course our boys didn’t believe that this fat guy was the real Santa and decided to mob on him and throw him naked on the street before the new Santa costume arrived.

The girls and I were so sad… but a couple of minutes later the boys had managed to cheer us up and re-start the very best Christmas Eve party I had ever been to.

Did you ever fancy cavorting in the snow playing snow ball wars with the boy of your dreams?

When I woke up this morning, -5°C out there a blanket of snow covering my front yard and back garden but I was so hot after the naughty dream I had with this boy that I run outside to melt some snow!

And just when I was starting to cool down and decide that dreams are dreams and they never come true, so I’d better look for a shovel to clear the path so my friends could come back later for a flaming hot cinnamon rum, I made a great discovery in the little hut at the bottom of my garden.

He looked so peaceful lying there on top of the hay that I did not dare to make a noise. Instead I sat –still wearing my Christmas pyjamas- in front of him waiting for Stallion, I mean, Santa to wake up, wish me a happy Christmas and make my dreams come true...

I've been a naughty girl
I didn't get a toy
Santa Clause left nothin' underneath my tree
He knows that I've been bad
But bein' good just ain't my fad
So here's the thing to do if your just like me
Everybody, pull the shades, lock the door, like you did before

- Chorus -
And have a naughty naughty Christmas and dirty dirty new year
Naughty Naughty Christmas, feelin' peace and all the good cheer
If you haven't got someone you love, love someone your near
And have a naughty naughty Christmas this year

Merry, Merry Christmas!!!

From Lewis Black, the uproarious and perpetually apoplectic New York Times-bestselling author, comes a ferociously funny book about his least favorite holiday, Christmas.

From Thanksgiving, when the holiday really begins, through Christmas Eve, when Black takes a moment to determine who in his life has been naughty (nearly everyone), to the saga of his annual visits to friends and their families every Christmas Day, the comedian reveals his most harrowing and hilarious holiday moments, not only inspiring laughter but also bringing into focus the true reason we gather together at this time of year.

All new, and sure to delight fans both new and old, I'm Dreaming of a Black Christmas is an instant holiday classic: funny, razor- sharp, the insightful, and quintessential Lewis Black.