Calories That Don't Count, Jeans That Don't Fit

Like everyone else I know, I subscribe to the completely scientific maxim that

Certain Calories Do Not Count.

food on other peoples plate

ingredients eaten while cooking

uneven edges on any kind of dessert

pieces smaller than one inch

food eaten while standing up

food canceled out by diet drink

sugary foods that say "fat free"

fatty foods that say "sugar free"

taste samples at stores

anything on a toothpick

Social Eating, Treats from Well-Meaning Friends

Imagine my surprise when, after ingesting several pounds of these neutral calorie foods, my jeans no longer fit. I imagined myself being able to wear a Santa Claus suit without the pillow. It was all very innocent and in the spirit of celebration. Treats from well-meaning friends and business associates, parties, dinners, samples, the package from Aunt Agnes containing the dreaded fruitcake. Our family just writes on it "please forward" and writes in an unused space the name of another relative. We have one fruitcake with labels plastered all over it that has been, and I am not making this up, circulating since I was in the second grade. Ok I did make that up, but it would be fun to try it.

Not-so-innocent holiday food (and I didn't even include Thanksgiving and Super Bowl)

Fudge, tins of cheesy or candied popcorn, gingerbread houses with gumdrops and icing, rum balls, sugar cookies covered with icing, short bread, tea cakes, candy canes, mince, apple, pecan pies, able skiver, cougnou (sweet bread in the form of the infant Jesus), fruitcake, eggnog, doughnuts, strudel, figgy pudding--check out the ingredients!!!

(Traditional figgy pudding recipe is similar to a carrot cake base blended in a custard with heavy cream, eggs, sugar and milk with chopped figs, chopped dates or apples added for flavoring and texture, along with rum or cognac. In addition, some figgy pudding recipes call for a loaf of fig bread to be crumbled into the mixture with animal fat called suet, a form of fat found near an animal's kidneys. Pure butter and shortening can be substituted if suet is not available.)

Trifle (consensus that a layer of cake is on the bottom of the trifle, followed by spirits, fruit or jam, custard, whipped cream, and decorations.), One website bragged: Try this 1,000 Calorie-A-Bite Trifle recipe, or post your own recipe for 1,000 Calorie-A-Bite Trifle,

Plum pudding, boxes of chocolates, almond roca, cheesecake. mixed nuts.....

I found a site that will calculate

How far you will have to walk for every snack bite

For example:

One iced gingerbread cookie or 2 oz. Swedish meatballs, ...that comes to 100 calories. You will need to walk 1 miles, 1.61 kilometers, or 2000 steps, assuming you cover one mile in 2,000 steps.

A Mile Per Bite

According to their chart, most bites average about 100 calories or 2000 steps, so I started to add up how far I would be when I walked off all the holiday sampling I was doing. Starting at my front door in Pasadena and adjusting for the walking around I had to do to get to all these delectable morsels and deducting all the workouts I had done in between...it placed me somewhere between Milwaukee and Missoula, Montana.

Well after all this, It seems pretty obvious. To avoid looking a lot like Santa or a linebacker for the Steelers this year, ask yourself this question before you take a bite of that innocent and delectable morsel..."Do I really want to be in Missoula this year?" I hope I have helped you. Be sure to let me know how it worked. I would write more but, I am standing up and since there is a little uneven edge of pie crust on the plate someone other than me left on the counter.......