Calories That Don't Count, Jeans That Don't Fit

Yes, this is a cake, not a hamburger, but on a toothpick so no calories
Yes, this is a cake, not a hamburger, but on a toothpick so no calories | Source

Like everyone else I know, I subscribe to the completely scientific maxim that

Certain Calories Do Not Count.

food on other peoples plate

ingredients eaten while cooking

uneven edges on any kind of dessert

pieces smaller than one inch

food eaten while standing up

food canceled out by diet drink

sugary foods that say "fat free"

fatty foods that say "sugar free"

taste samples at stores

anything on a toothpick

Social Eating, Treats from Well-Meaning Friends

Imagine my surprise when, after ingesting several pounds of these neutral calorie foods, my jeans no longer fit. I imagined myself being able to wear a Santa Claus suit without the pillow. It was all very innocent and in the spirit of celebration. Treats from well-meaning friends and business associates, parties, dinners, samples, the package from Aunt Agnes containing the dreaded fruitcake. Our family just writes on it "please forward" and writes in an unused space the name of another relative. We have one fruitcake with labels plastered all over it that has been, and I am not making this up, circulating since I was in the second grade. Ok I did make that up, but it would be fun to try it.

Not-so-innocent holiday food (and I didn't even include Thanksgiving and Super Bowl)

Fudge, tins of cheesy or candied popcorn, gingerbread houses with gumdrops and icing, rum balls, sugar cookies covered with icing, short bread, tea cakes, candy canes, mince, apple, pecan pies, able skiver, cougnou (sweet bread in the form of the infant Jesus), fruitcake, eggnog, doughnuts, strudel, figgy pudding--check out the ingredients!!!

(Traditional figgy pudding recipe is similar to a carrot cake base blended in a custard with heavy cream, eggs, sugar and milk with chopped figs, chopped dates or apples added for flavoring and texture, along with rum or cognac. In addition, some figgy pudding recipes call for a loaf of fig bread to be crumbled into the mixture with animal fat called suet, a form of fat found near an animal's kidneys. Pure butter and shortening can be substituted if suet is not available.)

Trifle (consensus that a layer of cake is on the bottom of the trifle, followed by spirits, fruit or jam, custard, whipped cream, and decorations.), One website bragged: Try this 1,000 Calorie-A-Bite Trifle recipe, or post your own recipe for 1,000 Calorie-A-Bite Trifle,

Plum pudding, boxes of chocolates, almond roca, cheesecake. mixed nuts.....

I found a site that will calculate

How far you will have to walk for every snack bite

For example:

One iced gingerbread cookie or 2 oz. Swedish meatballs, ...that comes to 100 calories. You will need to walk 1 miles, 1.61 kilometers, or 2000 steps, assuming you cover one mile in 2,000 steps.

A Mile Per Bite

According to their chart, most bites average about 100 calories or 2000 steps, so I started to add up how far I would be when I walked off all the holiday sampling I was doing. Starting at my front door in Pasadena and adjusting for the walking around I had to do to get to all these delectable morsels and deducting all the workouts I had done in placed me somewhere between Milwaukee and Missoula, Montana.

Well after all this, It seems pretty obvious. To avoid looking a lot like Santa or a linebacker for the Steelers this year, ask yourself this question before you take a bite of that innocent and delectable morsel..."Do I really want to be in Missoula this year?" I hope I have helped you. Be sure to let me know how it worked. I would write more but, I am standing up and since there is a little uneven edge of pie crust on the plate someone other than me left on the counter.......

If only my generation had diet Coke!

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Comments 15 comments

Ron 7 years ago

Hilarious! The fruitcake story cracked me up. Our family has a history of regifting a withered carrot.

Great stuff!

Winsome profile image

Winsome 7 years ago from Southern California by way of Texas Author

Thanks Ron. Glad you liked it.

janiek13 profile image

janiek13 7 years ago from Florida's Space Coast

Great reminder to not stuff ourselves during the holiday season!

Winsome profile image

Winsome 7 years ago from Southern California by way of Texas Author

Thanks for stopping by janiek13. I was just poking fun of the little ways we rationalize. Best to you.

rebekahELLE profile image

rebekahELLE 7 years ago from Tampa Bay

oh, so funny. love the title and don't we all feel a little bit 'heavier' than a few weeks ago! both of my sons have Greek girlfriends.... and let's just say, I had way too many home made Greek cookies... good thing january means exercise and fitness. have a happy new year. :] (that fruitcake sounds interesting)

Winsome profile image

Winsome 7 years ago from Southern California by way of Texas Author

So happy you enjoyed it R Elle. I'm writing this from a cyber cafe on the way to Missoula. I'd chat more but there is a little piece of pie crust on the counter... :) Thanks a bunch for visiting.

RedElf profile image

RedElf 7 years ago from Canada

Saw the title and couldn't resist! Great article - love your sense of humor!

Winsome profile image

Winsome 7 years ago from Southern California by way of Texas Author

Thank you so much RedElf. I love your writing too and I will take your paragraph suggestion to heart.

Frieda Babbley profile image

Frieda Babbley 7 years ago from Saint Louis, MO

I've been looking a lot like Christmas myself lately, lol. Wonderful wonder hub. I love your sense of humour.

Winsome profile image

Winsome 7 years ago from Southern California by way of Texas Author

Thank you Frieda, I love your sense of humor as well. You are a great inspiration and fun to read. =:)

JamaGenee profile image

JamaGenee 6 years ago from Central Oklahoma

ROTFL! Rather than add another ancient fruit cake to some poor postal carrier's load, we turned ours into a door stop. ;D

The U.S. has the distinction of having two major "food holidays" a month a part (Thanksgiving and Christmas), so the waist-expanding really starts the Monday before Thanksgiving. This is circled on my calendar as the day to begin wearing clothes with elastic (or no) waist bands until the Spring Thaw...or May, whichever comes first. ;D

Winsome profile image

Winsome 6 years ago from Southern California by way of Texas Author

Lol, JG the circled calendar killed me. You really can identify with the title that way--the door stop shall be included as one of the top 100 ways to use a Fruitcake. (See in a later hub) =:) So fun to get to know you...I'll be visiting.

outdoorsguy profile image

outdoorsguy 6 years ago from Tenn

LOL Too funny.. the way my family cooks Id have to build a bridge to cross the atlantic to reach my ideal weight country target. somewhere in ubekistan I think.

back when I was a kid, my grandfather would take me camping all the time. he always hauled along a C Rations from WWII and the korean War. we would find take a canoe or bass boat down river find a campsite set up and My grandfather would me a fishing pole.

" if we dont catch fish, tonights dinner will consist of WWII fruit cake and Korean war mystery meat" cant tell you how many times I sat on the bank wishing I had a blasting cap to use on the fish LOL.

after his death, My grandmother gave me all his camping gear I opened one of the boxs and right on top.. WWII fruit cake LOL.

Winsome profile image

Winsome 6 years ago from Southern California by way of Texas Author

BOLFOOTBF: BustOutLaughingFallOutOfTheBoatFunny. I think I would have enjoyed your Grandfather, he sounds like my kind of guy. Thanks for the great comment. =:)

attemptedhumour profile image

attemptedhumour 6 years ago from Australia

Well how prophetic Winsome, i managed to see the light even without your sound advice. I have just had Key hole knee surgery, the specialist said i'd be playing soccer again in four to six weeks, but the damage was worse than first thought. I can walk around normally, bend down etc but soccer is off the menu. That's why i decided to take sugar and fat off the menu. Even before the worse than expected news. I had the op on Jan 20th. I don't really like swimming that much, always preferring soccer, running, badminton, squash, tennis but i'll have to just dive in at the deep end, as my fitness is too important to ignore. These simple disciplines are obviously out of a lot of people's grasp. We go out with friend, one of whom has high cholesterol, high blood pressure and is quite overweight. I have a healthy breakfast. Poached eggs, grilled bacon, baked beans, avocado. mushrooms on brown bread, with no margarine, or butter. He has a mixed grill, every time. Crazy. It's not my place to say anything, it's his life of course, but he's one of my dearest friends and i want him to stick around for as long as possible. Oh well, nice to catch up with you Winsome. Cheers mate

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