Guide to a great party

TIPS FROM THE WORLD’S MOST HARDCORE PARTY ANIMALS

Turn your backyard bash from average to infamous with the wisdom (and mistakes) of these mental party machines…

A police raid really stuffs up any party (Corey Worthington)

If you’re throwing a serious all-nighter, warn the neighbours and don’t post an open invite on facebook. Infamous Melbourne party-boy Corey failed to heed both of these steps, and ended up with cops, squad cars and police helicopters storming his parents’ house when 500 boozed-up teens crashed his house party. Plus, the cops threatened to pin a child porn charge on him. Magic.

If you’re going to invite girls, make sure it’s a lot of girls (Hugh Hefner)

Nothing makes girls unhappier – and blokes crankier – faster than just one or two women at a party full of men. It’s like too many sharks circling the same seal. It’s much better to have the women outnumber the men, like at Hef’s grotto parties where the burgers outnumber the sausage by two-to-one. Get the girls to invite as many of their girlfriends as they want, and just pray that they’re hot.

The hangover’s gonna be a bitch (Lindsay Lohan)

Face it: you’re going to be a mess the day after, so don’t plan a major party the night before anything important like a wedding, funeral or work. (Unemployed nutter Lindsay Lohan is the master of this – she’s been fired from more movies than you’ve seen.) And prepare for hungover houseguests, ‘cos your lawn will look like the worlds comfiest mattress at 4am.

Nothing ruins a party like someone getting shot (Kanye West)

Kanye’s parties get interrupted more often than Taylor Swift speech – only by ambulences, instead of rappers. Suge Knight was shot in the leg at one of West’s parties in Miami (then later sued West for emotional distress – that’s so gangsta!), and the manager of Bone Thugs-N-Harmony was knocked out when a wall panel fell on his head at Kayne’s 30th birthday in New York. The moral? Clear away that stack of nail-studded planks near the back fence. (But, if you can arrange for 40 naked models to attend like Kayne did at his 808s and Heartbreak launch, for God’s sake, do it!)

The host has a much better chance of getting laid (Russell Brand)

The host gets the most – just ask beardy celebr-hobo Brand, who picked up Katie Perry after hosting the MTV VMAs last year. Throwing a party at your places gives you better odds of picking up than just turning up to someone else’s party, not least, because the venue already contains your bedroom and you’re allowed to throw everyone out when you’re ready to shag!

Keep your mates next to you (Paris Hilton)

Make sure you have your mates close to back you up, in case (a) there are gatecrashers who need evicting or (b) there are boring twats whose tedious conversation you need to escape from. Professional heir-head Paris won’t leave her limo without at least one sidekick in tow – the only smart thing she’s ever done.

Make sure there’s enough booze (Jeremy Piven)

Piven, better known as the heroically foul-mouthed Ari Gold from Entourage, is infamous for turning the most moderate party into a booze-a-thon – he was even drinking from a bottle in a paper bag while winning an Emmy award. Nothing sinks a party faster than running out of hooch – especially if you have mates with Ari Gold-sized thirsts.

GIRL-FRIENDLY DRINKING GAMES

If you want to transform a party from good to excellent, it’s time to throw in some funky drinking games – they’re cheap, effective and the finishing product is priceless.

Lip, Sip, Suck…

How to play: Instructions are simple. Basically, you lick salt off someone’s neck, blast back a shot of tequila and then suck on a lemon, which someone will be holding in their mouth for you. Keep in mind body shots are great, too.

A game called Chicken

How to play: Everyone stands in a circle. The starter makes a loose fist and looks through it at the rest of the circle. Then he points two fingers at another player to make them cluck like a chicken, or one finger to make them the new starter, or straight up in the air to make the person next to him cluck. Anyone who messes up takes a drink.

Never have I ever

How to play: This one’s just like those childhood games of Truth or dare, except you play it with booze. Each player holds up five fingers and declares “never have i ever” then describes a thing they’ve never done in their life. Anyone who has done that thing takes a drink and puts down one finger. The person, who puts down all five fingers, loses.

SWEET PARTY GADGETS

  • Inflate-a-mate spa
  • Bad-arse barbie
  • DIY Ice sculpture booze-coolers
  • Cool cam
  • Ipod stereo
  • Remote control beer cooler
  • Icemaker
  • Beer pong table
  • Anti-hangover gel

BE THE PARTY HERO

Open a beer without a bottle opener

Bought a fancy, non-twist top beer but got no opener? You can pop em using any flat metal strip, like a key, spoon or prison shiv. Grip the bottle’s neck just under the glass lip; position the spoon handle between the cap and your index fingers knuckle (it acts like a fulcrum); then lever the cap off. If it doesn’t pop just rotate the bottle around and do the same again. You can also use a key to open the crimps in the cap, working your way around until the lid pops off.

Tap a keg

If you’re at a serious beer-drinking party (usually inhabited by engineering students), you might meet that horrify moment: everyone’s chipped in to buy a keg, but no one knows how to tap it. A tap should have come with it when you rented the keg. Different taps fit different kegs. With the locking lever up, place the base o the tap over the keg-seal and push down (ignore the little spurt of foam – this is normal), then twist it clockwise and push the lever down. Don’t pump the pressure handle until the beer stops pouring under its own pressure or you’ll foam it up again.

Play beer pong

In case skolling beer isn’t entertaining enough, try beer pong. You can play on a custom-made beer pond table, or any decent sized table. Set up 6 plastic cups of beer in a triangle formation at either end of the table (like racking up pool balls), then the team at each end (two or three people) most lob or bounce a ping-pong ball into their opponent’s cups. When there is a direct hit, the cup must be drunk and removed. The objective? Eliminate the other team’s cups before yours. And, er, to drink beer.

Evict gatecrashers

The short answer: don’t even try. If the threat of calling the cops doesn’t work, then actually call the cops – otherwise, you could end up getting donked on the noggin with a bottle. That’s what happened to one unlucky Melbourne lad in September after he refused entry to a mob of boozey teens who wanted in on his party. More than a dozen of them bashed him with bottles and garden stakes. At least the cops have guns and nightsticks to fight back.

Calm the neighbours

Any party worth its salt is probably going to annoy the neighbours at some point. Your best bet is to pre-warn them that the party is happening. Also, when they bang on your door at 3 am, don’t tell them to piss off or rile them up more. Instead, explain it’s an important celebration (a 21st, or a family member returning from overseas) – even if it’s not true. And if you can stand ‘em try inviting them in. Might just work.

PARTY WORLD RECORDS

In 2006, surly catwalk queen Naomi Cambell had a $2 million, three-day bash in Dubai thrown in her honour by her squillionaire boyfriend, Badr Jafar. They hired out all 18 floors of the super-luxurious Burj Al Arab, the worlds first seven-star hotel.

To celebrate his 55th birthday, British retail tycoon Sir Phillip Green told 150 guests to turn up at Stansted Airport and gave them no other details other than to keep the following 5 days spare. He ended up flying them all to an exclusive resort in the Maldives.

The most expensive launch party was for the Palm Jumeriah, a man made resort island in Dubai. The resort spent $38 million on the opening bash, including $8 million on fireworks alone, and $5 million to get Kylie Minogue to perform. (Unsurprisingly Dubai is now on the verge of bankruptcy.)

In October 2009, Simon Cowell spent one million pounds on his 50th birthday celebrations, which featured waiters wearing masks of Cowell’s face and the pasta in each bowl of soup during dinner spelling out his name.

The Sultan of Brunei splashed a cool $30 million on his 50th birthday bash, including a lazy $17.4 million to get Michael Jackson to perform. He also roped Whitney Houston and Stevie Wonder in to celebrate his daughter’s wedding.

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