For all of us who have a regular job that is duller than a grey persons nuts, we all have them brilliant notions of taking the usual sick day off here and there throughout the year, which is fine, but what about once a week or once a month. You sure can't say you're sick on all of them can you?

Here are 7 idiotic ways to avoid going to work, and by idiotic I mean they may not work, but trying is equal effort and being a cheeky bastard is what life is all about!

Number one - The dog ate my homework!

The classic of old school traditions "where is your homework?" the teacher asks, the dog ate it is the reply, but go one further and say the dog has developed complications and you had to go to the vets to get the dogs stomach amputated or something - warning this will only work if you actually take your work home with you, such as an office assistant typing up some papers.

Always follow through with the lie and stick to what you have said...

Number two - I Won't be in work today I have an enraged monkey trashing the house

This has happened to me on a few occasions so it could happen to others without warning. The monkey probably infected with the rage virus started to trash the house and he's holding my grandma hostage....Oh no I'll have to go now he's COMING FOR MEEEEEEEEEEEE...AARRRGGGHHHHUURRKK!

Try and work a bit of acting in here because you don't want to give the game away that you just want the day off or else it won't work.

Number three - Hi boss remember I've got the day off today!!

Ring in on the day, when you know your boss is busy and totally get in there with a blunt - remember I already booked today off so I'll see you tommorrow, it's always worth a try because the boss is a twat!!

When the boss starts to query your day off just hang up the phone...the day is yours! When you see your boss the next day just laugh in his face!

Number four - A Dummy Diversion

The night before you want a day off, make a dummy that looks and dresses like you do ( yes put your clothes on a dummy, not a real dummy or the damn dummy will blow your cover dammit!!) and place it in your chair, your spot at work or wherever you do your main work, paint a nice smile on the dummy and leave him there, he won't do any of your work because it's a dummy but neither do you anyway so what's the difference.

Number five - Bomb Scare at work

You have phone in an anonymous tip off that Alkiseltzer has planted a bomb at your place of work and let the police search the whole building for most of the day, while you go fishing and catch yourself a fat one!!

Talk to the fish too as they may have more tips that I cannot give for avoiding going in to work.

Number six - Go in early and pretend to be stressed

Go into work 10 minutes early and look stressed, complain to everyone that you look stressed and ask to go home, only say short things that come to mind like "they have her", "the money's gone" or that old classic "aliens stole my cat!"

The more convincing you appear stressed the quicker you go home and put your feet up, watch a bit of tv, play on the playstation - beat your own high scores and have a few cans of beer!

Number seven - Put laxatives in all of your work collegues drinks

Or better yet in the drinks machine...all the drinks should do the trick, then wait until the first morning break before you ring in and say you have the runs. You could say I tried to ring but I had to drain my cheeks for a full hour!!

Everyone having the runs = something must be going around. Damn stomach bug!

If you want to try these top tips then you are welcome to do so, just remember if they do work, then just think about the clever person who wrote all this and I await your kudo's and thank you comments in the comments box provided.

Good luck...you most certainly won't need it!