Can You Be Friends With Your Ex?
88Are you really done breaking up with him?
A lot depends on why you broke up. Anytime there is a restraining order, no friendship can come.
Fifteen years of ex's under my belt, and very few have survived to become true friends.
But yes. Yes, after a considerable amount of time passes, after you have both really moved on, yes. Yes, you can be friends.
I say, the two big reasons why normal people that have had an average break up with no restraining orders, cant stay friends are:
- You aren't done dating.
- Or you aren't done breaking up.
And I think the real question might be why would you want to?
Let's first look at the break up. Are you done breaking it off? Do either of you have unresolved anger towards the other? Do either of you feel like you were taken advantage of, or taken for granted, and haven't fully expressed this in a cleansing way. The first relationship -lovers- has to really be over, before the second relationship -friendship- can begin.
Is wanting to be friends now a subconscious excuse to be around this person so you can find closure on unresolved things?
And the opposite is true, too. Did you break up because you cheated? Did you take her for granted? Did she find out you lied about your ex?
Is wanting to be friends now, really a product of guilt you have for how you were as a partner? Do you feel you owe your ex, at the very least, your friendship?
These are not the kinds of preambles that will result in good friendships. Be clear about the break up in your mind, and make sure your ex is too.
If you truly want to be friends with your ex, it should be because you like him as a friend. It needs to be because you are willing to work at what might be a very hard friendship to solidify. What attracted you to him or her in the first place, is probably still there. She may still be the coolest person in your office, that reads the same things you read and enjoys talking about those books over 2am coffees at bad diners. He may still be the guy with the best sense of humor, that's happy to go to Ranger games and Crobar, and shares a lot of your interests. Your ex may still exist in the same light in which you first saw this person. Maybe dating was a mistake. Or maybe it was worth a shot, but sadly it didn't work.
Be clear, however, that there is a difference between working at a friendship with someone worth it, and the possibility that you are just avoiding the fact that you need to move on.
There's habit and familiarity here, which are huge things and should not be taken lightly. Do you want to be friends with your ex because he's so exceptional, or because he's so easy and convenient?
This is someone who already knows your friends, your season tickets, your habit of not showering on Sundays, your secret love of the Golden Girls. You don't have to explain yourself; you don't to go through that awkward sometimes painful getting-to-know-you phase. I classify this under "you aren't done dating yet." There are many aspects to what you had as a couple. Obviously there was sex. And if you two haven't gotten that out of your system, that's an issue all its own. But there is also that comfort zone, where you don't have to stress any of the fear factor parts of dating again, and learning someone new.
Now here's another thought: Just like the idea that the reasons you liked this guy in the first place still exist, there's another list that still exists too. Odds are all the reasons you decided in the end that you do not want to be with this girl also still exist. You couldn't put up with her obsession with American Idol when you were dating her, can you deal with it as a friend?
While you're deciding, life is going on. And here's my going forward advice. Make sure you're finished dating this person. Make sure you're done breaking up. And then, after that is passed, make every effort to maintain at least a casual friendship if this is someone who is in your life anyway. If this is a person who is part of your circle of friends, someone that you are bound to bump in to time and time again, someone that your friends know and will continue to socialize with, make it easy on everyone including yourself. Be a grown up, have some maturity, suck it up if you have to, and really try.
It will make everyone and every event more comfortable. You will look polished and mature, and easy going. You will be assured inclusion in any group events, even those reserved for couples. Then, if it does turn out that this ex is someone you would really cherish as a friend, you've paved the way.
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well , i think me on the other hand is crazy. but it did happen like this . i was in a relationship for 4 years . i love this guy so much and would have dome anything and did everything for him . we meet on a chat room on our cell phones and we talk for about a year e mail and phone so we came to know each other.i move to his state and we lived togethere . after 4 years we split but we stayed living togethere we moved into a 2 bedroom apartment and he has his new lover staying with us . it hurt a lot in the beging and i went threw a rollercoaster ride with it but it was i that asked his new partner to move in with us. there happy and iam happy . he is a true friend of mine and i love him very much not like he loves his partner but as a friend . everytime i tell some one abouth this they allways ask are you crazy . i and i say " A partner will come and go but a friend will allways be there "
louiesd92103, you are a step above everyone else. You're beautiful.
Hi there, I may add to the two reasons you put up there, another reason which is:
they are done breaking up but they just could not get over it. Memories linger and sometimes you stay with that particular person maybe as a friend as it may appear to everyone else including your ex but deep inside you wish him/her back again. You may categorize this as an identical thing to your second reason that is they're not done breaking up. But in my point of view it differs, coz the break up here is already done they moved on but both or one of them can't just forget the other person, can't get over it, so she/he chooses to stay as a friend just to be close to his ex and with the hope he gets her back again.
People of that sort are two kinds:
First: Those who claim to be just friends with their ex after they had already separated but hoping to be back FULLY to their ex. Yes he says she is just a friend now but deep inside he still has this little hope to have her change her mind, break up with her new bf hence have her back again, he lives on this hope.
Second: They claim to be just friends hoping to back PARTLY, meaning he broke up with her or she broke up with him, he has a new gf, she has a new bf but he won't mind dating his ex secretly behind his new gf's back or what you may call it cheating. He just can't be away from his ex even if he/she cheated.
To answer your question can ur ex be ur friend post break-up? yes but it isn't an easy thing to do. It is possible if you've lost totally interest of your ex as an opposite sex u know what I mean ? As for me I would still be in good terms with my ex but can't be a close friend coz she isn't yet out of my mind as a woman despite the break up.
Thank you for the interesting topic
Great article.
A lot of what you had to say I needed to hear right now, so thank you!
gosh!!i just think to move on and don't want to be friend with my ex anymore. but then when i read your articles it suddenly open up my heart again. maybe i should cont be his friend.but...ther's still an anger in my heart..argggggggggggghhh!
-i might be nice but i ain;t fool fucker-
me and my boyfriend were together for 4 months, 2 months before i had to move to uni. i warned him that the distance would be hard but he said he really wanted to be with me...2 months later we broke up because he found the distance too hard. i'd still like to remain friends with him but i think it's because i just dont want him to forget about me. we havent spoken for 3weeks and i dont know whether to give it time before we talk again? or if we talk again?
I think you can...Be freinds with your Ex...If they're cool with it
I broke up with my ex but we're good friends now...
How mean was I to be..I broke up with him
But he still has feelings for me....He's not willing to move on yet
It's been like 3 to 2 months already..
But I didn't want to hurt his feelings so I told him we
could just be friends....until I was ready for a relationship
We'll he's only my first so I'm still new in dating
But I'm his second ex already
And It was just this year too
To think of myself...I was so rude to him to just Break up like that
Sometimes I still miss him though:(
So you are stringing him along then, what will happen is that he will end up hating you.
I saw that situation happen to my friend, it took him the best part of 2 years o recovery and he tried to kill himself, be honest with him. If yu want him, go for it. If you don't then, tell him that properly. You are lying to him, friends dont lie to each other
Fantastic article by the way,
Hey Squirrly,
I am so sorry about your friend. In all my HUBS I preach honesty. I get your point exactly. Just be honest. Tell your would-be partnerd what it is you want. Ask them what they want. You might be surprised at the answer. Just be honest. With the other person, and with yourself.
I think in most of the cases it does not work out being friends with your ex due to that special connection you have had in the past. I have been married for 26 years and I have experienced a few of these situations and let me tell its very hard to be freind with your ex. Great topic.
Unfortunately, I don't think it is possible to have a close relationship with your ex - at the same time, it is possible to have a casual relationship with them, calling for birthdays and inquiring about their family. My full thoughts are on: http://sophiasparx.blogspot.com
~Sophia Sparx
Here's an answer to that question...No you can't be friends with your ex. I've been there, done that, and let me tell you it's just drama. The only thing it does is remind you why you broke up to begin with. A clean break is the way to go and maybe in a year or two revisit the friend thing. But being friends soon after the break up is just asking for trouble.
It might happen that you just happen to be friends with your ex depends on that person if they're ok with it
fascinating and informative. now i understand why me and my exbf are good friends. and why his new gf is jealouse of me.. hehehe.. keep up the good work.. i hope i could also pulish my own article soon...
well I was with my lover for 33 years..many reasons we didn't tie the knot..not that it matters in the state we live in..it is 50/50 nomatter what. what's mine is his and what's his is mine...He walked away for a Younger woman..and just left me here with everything. says "I can have it all" yeh..I don't want it all...friends..yes..because I still am in love with the bastard..but have set him free..if it is meant to be he will be back...if not it wasn't meant to be.
His saying is "you had me for 33 years..now let her have me"..well I am at the point She can have Him..more power to her..I will always be his friend..he is a dear child of God no matter how I hurt or feel..I forgive him his sin..but I can't forget it.. so be it...This is a great hub my sweet one...Thanks for all the good advice..advise? which one is right? G-Ma :o) hugs
Big hug, G-Ma!
Thanks so much! I always love your comments.
Wow, that is something. 33 years... I am amazed at your realistic Words about it. I'm so sorry you hurt. I can't even imagine...
It's nice to be able to be on friendly terms but that's not always possible. You're right about that being a problem when you're not really fully broken off from "dating" the other person. Works out best if both people are able to fully break away and are solid enough on their own to remain helpful friends. You most likely know the other person really well (and vice versa) and its ideal if you can both encourage each other to move on for both your betters.
Oh, this is good!
Good hub. It is always best to stay friends, if you can. If they abused you, then that is a different story. Otherwise burning bridges, either personally or professionally is never a good idea. I have tried to remain friends with my ex boyfriends. We all need our friends
hiya everyone,i think being friends with an ex immediately after the relationship aint gud.jst goin thru a break up and we thought we could handle being friends.at first twas ok,then we were soon having sex.....with no strings attached bt that is a lie,there are always strings attached.now he became jealous abt me and we quarrelled so badly i think he even hates me now.its called learning the hard way and i feel nbad abt it coz i wanted to remain friends bt i think i will let things cool off for now.maybe later we might try it out.only thing am praying now is that i dont become pregnant after this break-up sex coz it will be soooooo sooooo BAD!!!!!!so no friendship till all barriers are erected and u have no feelings at all.
hey everyone
id like to add my 2 cents. we broke up about 4 months ago after a 3 year relationshipd. he now has a new gf and it really kills me but i would rather have him in my life as a friend than not have him in my life at all. however any advice on how to move past the "maybe we will get back together" phase would be great, cause i would really like to move on i just dont know how.
to hopeless,
it's great to know what you would like to move on. it's the first step of moving on. dont expect yourself to move on fast. the process takes time. i myself just broke up with my ex 3 weeks ago. and yes, i too had the "maybe we will get back together" phrase, even though he cheated on me.
i'd suggest you keep yourself busy. it'll keep your mind off of your previous relationship. exercise is a great thing. it makes you happy and keeps you fit. share whats on your mind with your confidante. talking through it helps.
While doing this, DONT ever try to contact him, looking at his pictures or anything that reminds you of him. listen to feel good/upbeat music. and like i said, don't expect to be okay overnight. it takes time. time will heal.
All the best to you =)
__
my ex contacted me asking if i wanna meet up with him. I didnt reply him. I feel that it MAY be good to be friends with him as he was an acquaintance when we were kids. but after reading this article, i am convinced that i should keep a distance from him until i am done breaking up with him. am i going to be friends with him? time will tell- but for now, i wont meet up with him and spend more time with my new bf ;D
I commented to this hub before but I had to comment again because what you wrote about how what attracted you to the person in the first place and the things you have in common. Well sometimes love never goes away. For me and my ex husband it never went away and we have always been most comfortable with each other. We have also never found love with any other person like we have with each other. So not only can you remain friends, watch out, you could get back together!
Sandilyn, Thanks for the additional comment. I know you're right.
Your point about being careful you're not hoping to get back together is important. Maybe YOU don't want to rekindle the spark, but be careful your ex isn't harbouring any hopes. He/she may think that because you're being friendly, you haven't quite closed the door - and that will harm them because it'll stop them moving on.
I find the biggest hurdle to retaining a friendship is partners - either his or mine! When my marriage broke up, I'd like to have stayed friends with my ex, but his new wife couldn't cope with the idea. Similarly, I know my new hubbie is uncomfortable when a past boyfriends gets in touch, which is why I don't encourage it.
Marisa,
Yeah, there's a whole thing there, with the current partner being uncomfortable about past partners. This isn't to you in particular, this is just a general observation. There's alot to consider: does the current partner have a reason to be uncomfortable? When the situation is reversed how understanding are you? Do you really want to be with someone that makes you give up other relationships that are important to you? Is your current relationship lacking the key elements of trust?
Each situation is different, but I'd offer this basic piece of advice to most. If the relationship is good and trusting, then do what you can to help each other feel comfortable and keep moving forward. What I am saying is, the sacrifices you might make in the beginning stages of building a relationship are not necessary as time goes on. It's the same with other relationship elements too, such as finances and personal space. In the first year of the relationship, if there is uncomfortableness, don't hang with your ex. Don't have those friendships that make the new partner uncomfortable. Expect the same consideration in return. In a couple years it won't matter so much. My husband and I went through those careful stages. Now, 11 years later, he'll actually take me to see my ex's band play when they're in NY, and to the backstage party afterward. Trust takes time. I advise letting it build over time.
Good advice, Veronica. However I do think that some people can never deal with it, and perhaps they're in the majority in this world. One of my ex's (what's the plural??) is getting married at the end of May, and I'm invited to the wedding. I mentioned it to work colleagues (to explain why I'm taking leave) and the reaction was universally, "that's w-e-i-r-d!".
I've started telling all kinds of people about it, just to test the reaction, and I've yet to find someone who'll just say, "that's nice"!
That is odd, Marisa. I wouldn't have said the majority, but that's based on my own experiences and the column. When I invite people to an ex's concert, or art opening or something, the reaction is "That's great" 9 times out of 10. Maybe it has to do with where in the world we are? I know it's not uncommon here. Many of my friends are still pretty friendly with their ex's. Or, it could just be the kinds of circles we tend to keep.
I think the circles is a good point. I'm in a band. Many of my musician and artist friends are friends with exes and it is kind of the norm in those kinds of people's lives. But like the office where I have my day job I know it's not common.
I know that I commented on this hub before, which is very good but I had to write again.
You can be friends with your ex. No matter which kind of ex that is. I have an ex boyfriend that I am still friends with. We email and we talk on the phone.
I also have an ex husband who is also my friend but he is more. He has always be "The One" (that was our wedding song too). Big changes have happened in the last 7 months and we are getting back together.
He is moving back home! So not only can you be friends, you can get back together and more. Keep in mind that we spent 14 years together and we have known each other for 20 years but love is love.
I can not because of hurt that it caused. There is an ex boyfriend that I could be friends with though but he can't handle it because he still wants me. He left me saying that I am to good for him.
It blows my mind the extent to which many humans are un-evolved. My sense is as follows:- the basic problem is that so many people are so non-self-actualized or so devoid of emotional refinement...to the extent that relationships are actually not clearly possible.
When people operate at the simplistic level of need, mutually mature relationships are not possible. I have always maintained that IF YOU NEED TO BE LOVED, YOU ARE DOOMED. When you don't NEED, you can have great relationships. You will also have enough control to choose those psychologically clear minded humans with whom to interact.
The likely state of many readers would be to dismiss these comments as academic and abstract. But as long as people remain emotionally unrefined and unresolved, intra-relationships will never work.
On the issue of remaining friends with an ex, if all I have indicated above prevails, then the efficacy of friendship with an ex stands or falls accordingly. The question is: are you emotionally mature or not? Is your ex? If you had been friends, who, in the spirit of friendship enjoyed the fullness of Being, would you break up? Why?
The question, as you can see, comes complete with its answer. It is NOT the relationship. It is about WHO you are. If you were the best human you could be, you could replicate yourself in the one you chose. Show me your friend, and I will tell you who you are. Do you know who you are? If not, wait until you do. Your choice represents a total sum of you. Your choice of another represents your expression of value. For at any given time, a person is the total sum of his or her consciousness. What you do not know could destroy you.
I challenge great thinkers to disprove my thinking...
Godfrey Silas
Godfrey,
Thanks for the great comment. Well thought out and well said. Truly a quality addition to the forum. Thanks!
V
it depends on whether they DUMP u and treat u like a piece of shit. u can chose. i hate her so much dont i sumich. she is a slut. she cheated on me 9 times.
Nice Article. May I give you my take on the subject? One of the things I have learned in life is that it is essential to be friends with anyone with whom one is planning on a long term relationship. Friends before, in the middle, in the end, and ever after.
I am shocked when I see how two people who had described their partner as a best friend will treat them. No friend would put up with some of the stuff that is laid on another in the name of love. Cheating, lying, financial chicanery, sexual exploitation, and other forms of abuse.
Perhaps there is an element of lust in every situation when the players are enamored about something they see in the other that is attractive. "love at first sight?" Certain smells may create powerful feelings between persons who may not realize why they are attracted to the other.
Both males and females seek out the opposite sex as "friends." true friendship requires a commitment of time and risking rejection. A female is seldom going to be rejected in a sub-group of males. the male who works his way into a female group by "doing for" or taking care of their little needs and wants has not really found friendship, but he is willing to delude himself just to get close to a female or females.
Usually the well balanced individual is capable of being with all kinds of persons, without the need to manipulate or exploit others. Veronica is right. She is absolutely on the mark in the conclusion that we must "know ourselves," first, before attempting to know another.
Sadly, many have not gained the skills in a normal family that helps the developing person set limits and abide by the limits of others. Without this important developmental component, the ability to interact properly with the world is difficult. Rather than go through the painful task of finding themselves, they go through life imitating others, while missing out on the richness of honest feelings of intimacy and love. Also these individuals eventually give themselves away for the hollow shells they are.
The expression " I love you" will usually turn to hate immediately if the other person decides to leave the relationship. the true test of friendship is how the friend reacts to unfavorable news from a partner. Having to obtain a court order against a former lover and "friend" tells all.
Good article. Thanks
After my divorce we really tried to stay friends but on early stages it was way too hard and on later stages way too awkward. I guess its different when you have kids to look after. Not in my case.
I can't tell you how many times I have had this discussion with my friends/girlfriends, family.... It seems that no one is able to maintain a relationship with their prior loved ones. I guess I'm not sure why it is such a problem. It's about maturity in my opinion. If you are mature enough to love you should be mature enough to accept their differences and respect them as individuals.
I believe that maybe you can be friends with an ex but the problem lies that you may still have feelings for each other or he may make it almost impossible for you to move on to a better relationship so in that case being friends with him can be like a hurdle but if you make the hurdle you may feel a thousand times better than you did not all friendships live on just like not all relationships live on but overall you should do what's comfortable for you just don't have sex with him again because than you are considered a booty call
Veronica, This was a very informiative artical.........But I have had the pleasure of being married four times to my "Friends" and everything was fine as long as they got their way.
For example my Third wife whom I have a son with had a fight with her new husband and needed a place to stay so I asked my preseant wife if it was OK for my sons sake for them 2 stay with us, everything was fine as long as I kept giving, but when I stopped she sued me for full custody I lost my son. So can I be friends with my EX........................ Well I try but its a 2 way street so (IMHO) No, but it does'nt mean the EX doesn't try.
if ur relationship was based on friendship to start with it is reasonable to expect you can be friends after a break up with a little time in between to take stock. if you werent friends already then i dont beleive you will become friends after a break up. im great friend with my ex we both have new partners and go out together with and without out new partners, we can trust ourselfs and our parners trust us too. that is the most important part of remainin friends after a breakup bein honest with each other and new partners about the relationship you both share. i beielve you can love a friend and stay happy as friends without it impaction upon your relationship with a partner. as long as everyone stays honest about the situation.
My gf and i broke up about 2 months ago, and with school getting ready to start i'll see her prety much every day. She said she still wanted to be friends and so do i, but when i saw her at the store a couple of weeks ago it killed me, and i did everything to avoid her seeing me. We went out for 5 months and i still have really strong feelings for her. We were really good friends before started going out but now i don't think i can talk to her face to face cause all of the memories of us will keep popping in my head and thats gonna keep me from ever moving on:( i wish i could just tell her that i just wanna kinda avoid her without sounding mean. I still love her so much and i just wanna get over her already and seeing and talking to her everyday surely won't help.
DLV,
You have every right to some space after a break up. It doesn't mean you don't care, or that you're being disrespectful, or that you can't be friends in the future. It's just a healthy normal part of the healing process to want some distance right now. If you can avoid her a little that would be great. If you need to say something to her, then do it. Just be honest and say, "As much as I'm sure we will be friends in the future, right now I need some space so I can heal. Please respect that, it's important to me." If she isn't mature enough and respectful enough of you to give you a little room for a little while, that isn't on you then.
Good luck.
Veronica
Lovely article. I'm in high school and dated by boyfriend for 7 months (not long, but still) and then he went off to college in another state. It seemed best to break it off, but it's not easy. We were close friends before we dated so we both want to remain close friends. It's difficult because the only reason we broke up was because of distance. So we're trying to stay best friends but we both know if it wasnt for geography we'd still be together, so it's hard and confusing. I guess we'll just take it as it comes and see how everything goes.
My ex broke up with me about 2 months ago. We were best friends in our relationship, little detail? when we first got together 2 years ago he was looking for a friendship and so was I, both of us had just broken up with our SO at that time. Of course one thing lead to the other but my frienship grew into love and he never really got to love me in that way I guess. He did love me but not like I did. We will do everything together, family parites, holidays, vacations etc. He broke up with me because he said he loved me but he wasnt in love with me. I kind of knew that so I accepted it trying to hold my heart together at that moment. We dediced we were going to remain friends and then we started to go out and have sex and of course that messed me up again. I told him that I couldn't do that anymore and that if we are to be friends we need to cut the sex. He said he has never been more attracted to someone than how he is towards me but he respects me and we will work things out to have a healthy frienship. It has been very hard but we dont talk much anymore, no phone calls no texts, gmail once in a while.
He asked if we could have lunch this week I accepted. It seems like he can't let go either but I think is the familiar feeling. If he couldn't love me before, he will never be able to love me in that way. I accept that and I rather have him as my friend, I will move on and I hope he finds happiness.
i love u
i love u
i love u
The hurt may go away and someone else may come along but the deception causes a catch in my throat so that it is impossible to derive any satisfaction out of knowing she was not my friend at all. But there is more, much more than a relationship gone bad.
Gradually some insight breaks through my granite brain and I realize the flaw in myself, overlooked, thanks to an over sized male ego, was my desire to control. In doing so, I lost direction and became a mirror of the puppet wall projections described in, Plato's Shadows on a Cave.
Your article is provocative and brought up some real feelings I thought had put away some time ago. Every close relationship seems to be a learning experience, therefore not wasted. Falling in love can be a wonderful thing and for me, becomes memories of good times and warm feelings to be held closely.
That is where I want to leave everything and not have it revisited in the form of a "friend," once lover. It is too complex for my wee brain and sometimes untrustworthy emotions to handle. I am afraid my all too human reaction would be to constantly seek out the answer to the question, what does this person want of me? What new unpleasant surprise awaits my falling defenses? I have learned how precious are the human feelings that guide most of us through our personal encounters and attachments. Honesty is a wonderful thing.
To do this is to look deeply into the self and discover how little effort was expended to appreciate and understand the other,( the author is speaking first person here), thereby breeching walls of caution and prior learning from the essential person's family and friends, values that are held important as a cultural ideal. I won't suffer you the usual, boring cliches about men and boys understanding ,or lack of of it, about the opposite sex or same sex feelings towards other people in general.
The need to be ONE with another, to avoid emptiness, loneliness, or existential angst, that awful fear of being nothing without intimacy with another person, is a terrible taskmaster that may drive an otherwise sane person to act in ways that are contrary to reason, leading usually to a predictable and unsatisfactory conclusion. Things like restraint orders are all too common, especially where there is a personality disorder( who is supposed to know this?!)present.
The task then, if we are to answer some of the questions posed by our search for happiness with another, is not to look at the other as a source for our own demons, and our feelings of sadness and depression. Especially since it our habit(or need some would say) after a failed relationship to meet up with the same person, only an inch taller or shorter, but similar traits and temperament, however, so we may recreate in the new relationship what we vowed to never do or be again. When the end inevitably comes, we are angry, humiliated, and totally drained psychologically, spiritually and mentally. We want to blame someone. It just seems natural to do so. blaming is a blind alley, however, that leads nowhere in life's imperative to seek the truth. Meanwhile, Like a horse returning to a burning building, we return to what we know and feel comfortable with. We reject what we don't know, even if it points to escape and a different and more promising ending. The promise is that some will stumble on or be given the truth and create new realities among those we love and love us in return.
Thanks for your post.
I would say it depends on the situation.
Oh great, but so complicated. That love just think is not enough but test it with your lover is the best for starting now on. Great ur writer, u so beauty smile, hope u kind to live honesty and freely enjoy life, so find the way you go for fun.
i was friends with my ex for years.we would sit around and discuss problems that we are having in our current relationships,and just vent off steam,and then make-love like rabbits,cause for some reason you can say things to your ex that you can't say to your girlfriend when my ex was having problems we would hook up and she would vent rant and rave about her boyfriend and i would actually give her my honest opinion on whatever situation she was going thru with her boyfriend,a mans opinion, she would continue to vent and after a while after she had cooled down she would go home.and when i had problems i would find her and rant and rave and she would share advice and we would bump uglies and go our separate ways this continued for ten years up til the day she got married.for ten years no one had a clue that we was friends,after she got married our friendship ended and i haven't seen her since.yes you can be friends with your ex but the feeling's are always going to be there,and the funny thing about is when you are not in a relationship the relationship runs smoother.
Great hub. I think you can be friends with your ex given that the reason for the breakup wasn't too terrible. I just think both have to have moved on and found happiness with another before you are truly able to be friends with your ex. While one or both of you are still single I think there will always be some confusion and one may think more of the relationship than just friends and that pressure will likely backfire.
I would love to hear someone's thoughts about when there are kids involved. I have 2 children with my ex and I suppose we are still friends. But I think it is only because of the kids. If not for them we probably wouldn't talk. Due to that we never really had the time apart that I think is healthy after a break up. So the moving on process has been slow and torturous at times.
It is confusing for me though, because I would have liked to resolve our problems and stay together as a family but she does not feel the same. We still spend time together sometimes and I will think something is happening and feel like it is ok to kiss her but then I am met with the cold turn of the head. It is so confusing, I am completely fine apart from her but when we are together sometimes I just get those old feelings I suppose. I really don't know what to think, does part of her want to get back together and she is just not ready? Or is she just fine being close as friends and really want nothing more? Sometimes I think she is just letting me stay close so she won't lose me completely. I really try not to assume anything, I will be fine either way it goes but I do not deny that I would prefer to reunite, she is the mother of my children and I will always have love for her.
pcdriverupdate,
That's a very interesting point you brought up, that you and your ex did not have the time people need after a break up for separation and regrouping, to heal, because you had to see her so often for the kids. I'm glad you brought that up. People need time in order to move on, and you didn't have that, which like you said has made the process slower, and perhaps harder.
I do not think staying together for the kids is ever wise. The children are never better for it. The only reason to be with someone, is because you love each other and treat each other good, with respect, empowerment, and appreciation. For whatever your reasons, you and your ex parted as lovers and companions, but that doesn't mean you have to end your friendship. That is entirely up to the both of you. However, if you are still in love with her, that is going to make it really hard for you to have a friendship.
As far as your confusion, you haven't relayed any mixed signals to me, or any indication that she wants you back. From the outside looking in, i think it just sounds like she accepts that the father of her children is part of her life and she's allowing that to be. You haven't shared anything that says she is in love with you, or wants you back. So I'm not sure where the confusion comes in, or why you think she may. Maybe you are picking up signals you haven't articulated here. Or maybe you just wish there were signals. I really can't say.
I don't have enough to give you specific advice but I will say this. Do not fester on the misguided idea that being together for the kids is what you should do. It's not. But if you are in love with her, and truly believe you can be a good and fair partner, then clarify it. Be clear, and make her be clear. That's the only answer.
Ask her if you can have a serious talk with her. Don't just launch into it, ask her permission for the talk. Then, tell her clearly how you feel and what you want. Even if these things have been said before, do it for yourself now, if for no other reason than for closure.
Then, listen to what she has to say. If she wants to talk about it, if she has questions, if she gives any indication that she feels the same, then you have something to work with.
But hear her if she says no. Here her if she says there will not be a reunion, and get on with your life. Let go of the idea that maybe it's ok to kiss her like you indicated you sometimes think. And just see her as the mother your children, and hopefully one day a friend.
Best to you.
Veronica,
Thank you for the response. I agree that it is not right to be together just for the kids. I believe if we can be in love again then only then should we be together. We were best friends and a great couple. We are still very compatible and most of all we were a great team in every way. She once commented "it was too good to last." so if that is any indication. We broke up over a misunderstanding, it was her choice and I respect her decision.
She hasn't indicated that she wants me back but she has certainly left it open as a possibility. She says things like "if we don't get back together" sometimes when we talk about the future. She will give me long hugs sometimes and tell me how alone she is. We will watch movies together some nights and she will snuggle close to me or let me massage her head or back, etc. She really comes off as just not knowing what she wants. She was pretty clear that she doesn't want to be with me, so sometimes it just feels like she may just be saying these things and letting me do these things to keep me close enough for just in case. I almost feel used sometimes. I do a lot for her and the kids and maybe she is afraid she will lose that?
Moving on has certainly been a slow process but I have come to be mostly indifferent except for when I am around her and she confuses me :P I guess I am still pretty indifferent when it happens, I'm not completely bummed and depressed like in the beginning. More just irritated. But I suppose that means I'm not completely moved on if it affects me at all?
I do hope we can stay friends as we were friends for 5 years before we got together. Time will tell. Thank you for your comments. I appreciate your time.
One thing people always forget is that in almost every breakup, there is one partner who wants to leave, and one wants to stay... Friendship is all well and good for the one that has made the emotional detachment, but doesn't work so well for the other. It's almost impossible to get over someone when they are still around. Feelings good and bad fade over time - you should give them a chance to fade by not thinking or interacting with the person that's now in the past. Do it out of respect for yourself, your ex and your future partner. Some say a friendship is possible after time, but do yourself a favour and don't stir up old emotions by considering it... move on - the future lies ahead of you
I have never kissed anyone :C
hi
how r u
I really enjoyed all of the comments and it really helped, but I think im still inlove with my ex but I don't want to be. Its crazy but I want to be his friend and he has a girlfriend. How do I get over him emotionally but still be his friend. We don't talk at all, but I'm just still crazy in love. I have tried to move on but my pass relationship keeps affecting me so im just alone now and don't know what to do.
I really enjoyed your hub and your perspective. I think that a lot of how we deal with an ex has to do with how we handle relationships in general. Thanks for sharing!
Very good hub Veronica.
I think most people rush into the friendship too early and don't have time to clear away those feelings. If you we're truly friends before I think you can become friends again but you need the closure first.
I recommend not talking to an ex for at least 3 months after a break up so you can get that closure. Then maybe after that time you can see if there's a friendship still there.
As long as both sides have their closure... I think it can happen... but it's not the easiest thing in the world. And you have to be true to yourself about why you really want to be friends after all...
wow cool hub...
hi there veronica... let me share to u bout my ex's they still my friends...though 1 of them didn't contact me at all...maybe he still love me though...despite of it...he prefer to keep his silence through the years.
all of my ex's is still want me to be their friends...its kinda awkward..but sounds cool...after the long run...their you are... still talking & laughing each other.
Its really a good feeling that both of you not ignoring each other..when you both of you living in the same town. Its a reminisces...but some certain relationship...never end up friendship....some guys are too hypocrite that they don't wanna go friends..or assuming checking you webpages but ignoring our msgs. Thats because they knew that they are the one who made your relationship fall..or didn't work out.
But for me.... its kinda cool being friends still with your ex's getting along each other when both of you have your own family.
Because " If you were'nt to be so be it! there is always someone somewhere that will come along your way and you could finaly say " This is it".
:)
wow cool hub...
hi there veronica... let me share to u bout my ex's they still my friends...though 1 of them didn't contact me at all...maybe he still love me though...despite of it...he prefer to keep his silence through the years.
all of my ex's is still want me to be their friends...its kinda awkward..but sounds cool...after the long run...their you are... still talking & laughing each other.
Its really a good feeling that both of you not ignoring each other..when you both of you living in the same town. Its a reminisces...but some certain relationship...never end up friendship....some guys are too hypocrite that they don't wanna go friends..or assuming checking you webpages but ignoring our msgs. Thats because they knew that they are the one who made your relationship fall..or didn't work out.
But for me.... its kinda cool being friends still with your ex's getting along each other when both of you have your own family.
Because " If you were'nt to be so be it! there is always someone somewhere that will come along your way and you could finaly say " This is it".
:)
Grat Hub, thoroughly enjoyed reading it.
I don't think you can be friends, you split up for a reason and it just gets weird
I belive that if you were ever REALLY friends in the first place, it should be not only possible but necessary. The problem is that most people don't really ever get the chance to be their partners friend before all teh relationship stuff gets in the way. I love my boyfriend of 7 years very much and honestly if we ever broke up I am sure he would have a hard time being my friend but I would want to even if it hurt to see him move on. I want him to be happy more than I want to be jealous. I want to share my new love, my new life with him becaue noboby understands and knows me like he does.
It takes being in a "grown-up" relationship to start to achieve success.
jen
I thought I gave this hub a comment but it`s not here? Do you know why?
I see one from you about 5 weeks ago, 10 comments up or so. I have no idea why you can't see it.
I thought this was a GREAT article. I was with my BF for a little over a year but was madly in love with him. I thought he would be my last BF...I was wrong. He wasn't honest to me about a lot of things & after he dumped me, I found out more things he wasn't honest about. We have been apart for 7 months & have only seen each other twice in that time frame. Recently, I have opened up the lines of communication & have "tried" to be friends/cordial with him. It is not working. I think I fall into both categories (unfortunately). The 2 times we have seen each other, we have had sex. (Bad move, I know) But aside from that, it is clear that we both still do things that the other doesn't like. How can you be friends when that happens? I realized just today that I get absolutely NOTHING out of this friendship or whatever it is. He doesn't call to say hi or see how I'm doing. Its simply idle chat...about nothing. I asked him today to do me a tiny favor & he couldn't even help me out. I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that he won't ever change & he seems to be getting worse. Sometimes you need to just walk away. As much as it hurts (and it does) it is better in the long run. The more time you spend pining over your ex & hoping to have a friendship that isn't working, you could be putting that time & energy into someone new. Someone who wants to spend time with you, someone who wants to call you to say hi & see how you are & most importantly, someone who will give as much to the friendship/relationship as you do.
WELL I THINK THERE TWO SCHOOL OF THOUGHTS HERE.1. IT IS NOT BAD FRATERNIZING WITH YOUR EX.I BELIEVE WE TACKLE THE PRESENT THROUGH THE MISTAKES WE MADE IN THE PAST.BY BEING O.K WITH YOUR EX , YOU GET TO KNOW WHY IT GOT TO WHERE YOUR RELATIONSHIP GOT TO,SO THAT YOU CARRY IT TO YOUR NEXT RELATIONSHIP. ON THE OTHER HAND, IT NOT GOOD TO DO IT SINCE YOUR EX MIGHT NOT BE OVER WITH THE BREAK UP.THERE AN AFRICAN PROVEB THAT SAYS "MAN'S HEAD IS NOT A PILLOW WHICH YOU CAN LAY ON" WHICH EVER WAY ,IT A THINK TANK.
my girl and i broke up about 6.5 months ago (april 16th). we were together 6 years. it wasnt pretty. during the 2nd week of may, i found out she had beeing seeing someone else since april 7th. i was crushed. from april until may, i begged and reduced myself to some desperate pitiful being in efforts to win her back. once i found out she'd begun seeing someone while we were still together, that when i stopped calling her, showing up at her place and emailing and texting. i just stopped and continued to spiral into severe, deep depression. while out july 4th weekend (1st time out of the house in months), i ended up running into her and her new girlfriend. they were standing in the parking lot of a club making out. it stopped. we chatted. she appeared to be incredibly happy to see me. her new girl was not. anyway, we began talking on the phone and texting each other. when i asked her if she still loved me, she said she wanted to meet in person to talk about it. we met up. we talked. she complained about how dumb her new girl was and things she didnt like about her and the reasons why she didnt believe she loved her. i listened. felt hope of us getting back together. we continued to talk for a few more days, then she told me she wasnt ready to be my friend. i didnt take that very well. i continued to call her, asking her to be my friend. we met up again and she told me she only felt friendly toward me. i left her alone again. then, out of the blue about a month later, she called me and asked if we could be friends. she said she ended the relationship she'd been in, and detailed some of the reasons why she didnt want to be in it. i admit, i was HAPPY! but, i told her i didnt know if i could handle being her friend. ends up, i tried. we began to talk everyday, txt everyday, we hung out on the weekends. two times i told her i couldnt be her friend b/c it hurt to much. she didnt feel for me the way i felt for her, and it was hard for me. each time, i ended up hanging out with her again. yes, i was hoping she'd realize how much she still loved me and we'd be together again. she ended up moving out of state (to her "home"), saying she'll be back in 4 months. that she needs to get her head and life together. we hung out together right up until the night before she left. we ended up kissing that night. i loved it. it made me happy and sad and confused all at once. since she's been out of town we pretty much continued to talk (even talking about sex). the other day, i asked her to clarify her feelings for me at this point. she said she only has "friendship love" for me. i told her, i thought she felt more b/c of how much we hung out and talked and the kissing. she said she acted that way with me b/c she felt comfortable and we have history. i was stunned. i honestly thought the kisses had pretty much sealed the deal on the fact that she felt more for me than she was letting on. she told me that isnt true. she said she didnt do anything to mislead me and she's sorry if she hurt me. she only wants to be my friend. she said she thought we "had an understanding". i was crushed and heartbroken all over again. so, after reading the posts on this page, i told her (last night), that i cant be her friend. it hurts too much. i cant be friends with someone that i feel so much more for. she said she's sad that the only time we'll talk is if she calls me. (i told her we can call each other on holidays or birthdays or if she get really depressed and doesnt have anyone to talk to). i doubt she'll call. besides, her and that other girl text each other periodically. even tho' my ex says she doesnt have any feelings for her. i apologize this is a long post. i left alot of things out, trying to shorten it. anyway...i don't know...i guess i just wanted to talk to someone. my heart aches. i do miss her. i do love her. a part of me feels like she only wants to be my friend b/c she doesnt have anyone else in her life, and i'm convenient. she's always been the type to find a distraction to get over pain or avoid issues. i feel i've been a "distration" since she ended that 4 month fling she began while still with me. i wish i could tell you EVERYTHING, but i'd end up writing a novel. i don't know. did i do the right thing? how do i keep myself from contacting her in any way. how do i make the love go away. it's like i hate the way i feel about her. i dont want to love her.
Don't want to love - you're worth more than that - do what will make you happy - but it sounds like you're on the right track
like you said it depends why you broke up but i prfer not to tlak to my ex bfs well mainly cause he is a stalkerish creppy is but we both got to the same school so it is hard to avoid him but ya but i still talk to all the others and still even flirt with them somtimes
Attention Veronica & all women. Make note....Men can not be friends with a woman after any type of emotional relationship. It is not possible!! Do not fool yourselves. Jerrys & Elaines do not truly exist. That is one reason the show was so funny....because it's impossible. If you believe you are part of one....he has conned you....sorry.
I am a man. I know hundreds of other men. From personal experience & from knowing these other men....I tell you.....we can not truly be friends with any woman we find attractive or have loved. No matter how much a guy has told you he can be "just friends" with an ex, he is either lying to you, himself, or both. It is impossible.....I am sorry. We are pigs. I could explain more. But I might as well start my own blog to explain why.
well I goofed yesterday I met with an ex, she was looking dashing; but I still think I deserve better.
I know from the look of things we cant even stand the sight of each other.
But I wished we could remain as friends
Your guess is as good as mine...
Great article, Talk about not wanting to admit it!! gosh, i think unraveled alot of peoples guilt here they may have not wanted to admit to, al least to thier relationship at the time.
I especially loved that part where you said "Is wanting to be friends now, really a product of guilt you have for how you were as a partner? Do you feel you owe your ex, at the very least, your friendship?
Because i am a witness of this reasoning, The cenario is that, @ couples broke up due to his reason of the relationship not going anywhere; and that all we have done is fought and argued..well ok! how about trying to work it out, i geuss the guy already had came to the conclusion that he wanted OUT! so it was down hill from that point on. Well when it came time to break the news..giving the obvious break up pitch "I THINK WERE BETTER OFF AS FRIENDS!" To be honest he could have cared for even that much towards the end, however he felt guilty for not letting her know sooner to what led him to break up with her today! and so yes! at the very least he thought he could atleast be there for her to support her as a friend than to leave her all togather!
give them your heart and heaven....if your behaviours don't match then you are not ready for each other....take "time" away....have faith that the outcome will be far better.....you have learned so much about yourself through them...xx
Nice article! :)
Oh, and I can see that now. Guess I didn't look enough.
df
My ex and I split up about 4 months ago after being together for 2 years. Since then we have spoken every day, texted and emailed. We see each other almost every weekend. The reason? He is my best friend. I want to get back with him but he doesnt want to get back with me. I accept that one day and disregard it another.
It hurts like hell at times and I know im dragging the pain out by keeping in contact with him and seeing him so often, but the alternative is even more painful. he is such a big part of my life and whilst I have other friends and busy myself with the gym, work etc - the thought of not speaking to him hurts more than anything else.
Lose / Lose situation eh? Damned if I do and damned if I dont. Ive read every post here and I can relate to a lot of them but you always tell yourself "my situation is different" - which it is to an extent. So what have I decided to do? To stop intitiating the emails / texts and meet ups. if he wants to see me then fine, but it will have to fit around my plans and not mean me reorganising everything so i get to see him as usual.
Im not against meeting someone new but I know that wont be easy as I have set my standards very high and dont have the same high regard for myself as I expect to find in others.
Who knows, I may look back on all of this and realise I was wrong and time apart was the best way of getting over it, but time will tell I suppose.
Of course you can be friends with your ex. I just chosed not to be. Every time.
There is such good commentary here. I would add some but I think both sides to this question have been answered above. I have been through both good and bad - have maintained friendships and completely broken off. You can still be friends, but that is also the hardest part - you shared your most vulnerable emotion and were intimate - you cannot allow your emotion to overtake your logic - that's when friendship works I found.
However there are always "those" relationships where you simply cringe at the fact "you just...did that - ew". I found that's when friendship is an impossibility. great article - i got a little carried with my response - but I guess that means you nailed this hub!
My ex bf of a year and a half didn't even tell me that he wanted to breakup. He finally apologized and we're now friends. I'm happy about it. When he apologized he talked about my first ex bf or 3 years. We're still gonna hangout and see eachother but we're not getting back togther anymore.
interesting... I didn't think it was possible to be friends with your ex but you make some good points:)
It is possible to be friends with your ex.As everyone has already said you just need to be sure not only in your mind but in your heart that you are past being or wanting to be lovers.there is nothing worse than a double heartbreak. Just like any healthy relationship you obviously need to talk about it and set new boundaries cuase some people,especially the ladies read things all wrong.I guess for me when i was making the decision to be friends with my ex I had to ask myself: will i be willing to loose such a good friendship?because other than being lovers we were also friends....and we were and still are great friends.We just have different expectations now that our relationship has been modified.
I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years now. In the beginning of our relationship he and his ex had just broken up. He said she started dating someone soon after and he got angry and didn't want to speak to her. I was a dancer and he ended up not having a dance partner (since they broke up) so he asked me and I accepted. I had no idea what had happened between them and didn't ask. I had a boyfriend at the time too and broke up with him a few months before I started dating my current boyfriend, severing all ties because I knew he was still in love with me. 6 months into our relationship he suddenly started talking to her again. In our class, she was flirty with him and not too nice to me, but not catty. They began to become friends again and he asked if he could go to lunch with her to get over things and I said it was fine. The next week, he sounded strange and said he needed to go somewhere. It was only after his friend told me that I found out he went out to lunch with her again, but this time didn't tell me. This was 6 months into our relationship and we are now at 4 years. We have broken up a few times over this ex and his friendship with her. And during our breakup, guess who was at his house? He still to this day denies anything going on between them during our 2 short breaks. I just don't understand it. Also, he would see her without my knowledge and talk to her and just omit to tell me. I have developed quite a dislike towards this girl as I don't know her that well to judge her. Just the things that have happened, like them having long conversations or her asking him for a ride or to help her with something. I'm not sure if they're being friendly or what. To this day, she still sends him small business emails and occasionally a phone call or text and of course he never tells me. And I've seen him reply back though he says he doesn't. It's not like it used to be but it has really taken a toll on my relationship with him as I cut the ties with my ex before him. I'm not sure if he's being nice but I'd really like someone's opinion. We are now living together and I think he might propose to me within the next few months. He says he desperately loves me and he treats me really well. Just the ex stuff. Should I be worried or was it and is it just him being the nice guy he is? I wouldn't want to marry someone that was still thinking about what could have been with someone else.
Nina,
The fact that he has lied about dealings with her, and keeps it from you when they exchange emails or texts, is a very major red flag.
To tell you the truth, I don't know if there is anything still going on between them. He may not be cheating. But he lies and keeps things from you. It's not right.
Men have a tendency to be secretive about things that matter. I think she matters to him. I think even the smallest contact from her means something to him, so much so that he holds it tight and close, and keeps it from you. Sure it's probably easier for him not to tell you - he doesn't have to deal with jealousy or explaining or anything. But I think it's more than that.
He's not over her. You need to decide for yourself what you're going to do about that. If it were me, I would end things. Give him his freedom and see who he chooses. But, in the long run, I wouldn't want to be with anyone who could lie to me like that.
This is great, i really like this
Yes you can be friends after a divorce. In the beginning it can be tough, but if the two can make it through without consistant emotional conversations. Well that is strength on any level of as marriage or even friendship. Many people who say that departing and taking timei is a way to move on with life, well sometimes that can be a cowardly thing to do. It is like running from issues that need to be dealt with or can be healed. If you can still fix this issues through a friendship because it helps to even learn for yourself before you make mistakes in future relationships or in your new life. Higher statistics show people who run to new relationships and never fixed or learned from the one before usually never works out. And of course we can right 1000 books on whether or not you can be friends, well, not all break-ups or people are the same...and if there is a reason why two people are still complaining about one another if they should be friends, well they seem to keep contact on any level if they are in these forums as we all are..........we banter about the ex's because we all have some sort of emotional connections with them....we all were together in the first place for a reason....
Hey Veronica,
Great Hub, well done for a full and understanding approach to what is without doubt a complex and delicate subject, I agree that it is very hard to remain friends with an ex especially if you have been together for some time as you just have so much 'past' between you which simply gets in the way even if you have managed to come to an amicable parting of the ways.
Nice work I'm sure you've helped many.
good points..i like it!
Good post! I answered this very question a few months ago (yes, it's hard, but it can be done, depending on the relationship and not always recommended). But if you are interested: http://www.bettyconfidential.com/ar/h/a/a01610.htm
helloo its really hard to seeeee ur ex as ur best friend u cant i mean imagine ur self that u have been in a relation for more than 4 years how can u seeee him as a friend after all this years u spend together its really awkward i cant do this the best way is to erase him/her from your life completely soo that you can heal ur broken heart....... that my suggestion
I've been through a few long term relationships, and I managed to stay friends with a few of them. I found it often depends on her new partner as well...
IVE RECENTLY GOTTEN MYSELF INTO SOME SERIOUS SHYT, A GIRL IVE KNOWN SINCE I WAS 12 YEARS OLD (IM NOW 25) WE WERENT REALLY FRIENDS FRIENDS BUT WE GREW UP IN THE SAME NEIGHBORHOOD WE HUNG OUT OFF AND ON ALOT IN HIGHSCHOOL AND AS WE GOT OLDER WE LOST TOUCH AND THEN FOUND EACHOTHER AGAIN AND THEN LOST TOUCH AGAIN AND NOW WEVE FOUND EACH OTHER AGAIN. AND THAT WAS BACK IN NOV WE FOUND EACHOTHER ON MYSPACE AND SHE CONFIDED IN ME ABOUT AN EX THAT SHE HAD BEEN WITH FOR 3 YEARS AND HOW HE AND SHE HAD BROKEN UP AND THEY WERENT TALKING. LONG STORY SHORT SHE ENDS UP FINDING A GUY SHE REALLY LIKE SHE S CHILLIN WITH HIM AND REALLY LIKES HIM AT SOME POINT SHE AND THE EX GET BACK IN TOUCH AND START HANGING OUT AGAIN TRYING TO MAKE THINGS WORK. SO SHE STARTS BRINGING HIM AROUND ME. OFF THE BAT WE ALL WENT TO HIGHSCOOL TOGETHER SO I KNEW OF HIM DIDNT KNOW HIM PERSONALLY. SO SHE AND HE START CHILLIN WITH ME ALOT CUZ IM THE GOOFY SINGLE GIRL... SHES PRETTY MUCH TOLD ME EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM SO I KNOW HIM PRETTY WELL BEFORE ACTUALLY KNOWING HIM YOU KNOW. SO HE HOOKS ME UP WITH ONE OF HIS FRIENDS AND THEN GETS MY NUMBER FROM HIS FRIEND TO TALK ABOUT ( MY FRIEND) BC THEY ARE HAVING ISSUE SO BASICALLY SHES TALKING TO ME ABOUT HIM HE STARTS TALKING TO ME ABOUT HER ALOT . AND IVE BEEN THERE FOR HIM THROUGH ALOT OF THEIR RECENT UPS AND DOWNS. JUST THINKING I WAS BEING A FRIEND. SO I DONT EVER CHILL WITH HIM WHEN SHES NOT THERE NOR DO I CALL HIM BUT WE TEXT ALMOST EVERYDAY AND HE WILL CALL ME EVERY NOW AND THEN AND WE JUST CRACK UP AND HAVE GOOD TIMES ON THE PHONE. HE CALLS ME HIS BF (BESTFRIEND) AND I CALL HIM THE SAME SO WHEN WE NEED TO TALK WE VENT TO EACH OTHER SO RECENTLY THE VENTING GOT A LITTLE OUT OF HAND AND HE JUST CAME OUT AND TOLD ME HE HAS FEELINGS FOR ME NOW... AND I FEEL THE SAME WAY OMG HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN I FEEL SO ASHAMED. HE AND I TALKED ON THE PHONE FOR OVER 2 HRS LAST WEEKEND AND WE ARE SO COMPATIBLE ITS CRAZY SIGH...... I CANT HELP BUT THINK OF HER. WHAT AM I GONNA DO IF THEY GET BACK TOGETHER? WHAT AM I GONNA DO IF THINGS ACTUALLY GET SERIOUS WITH HIM AND I HAVE TO TELL HER IM SCREWED. I NOW FIND MYSELF THINKING ABOUT HIM ALOT AND THAT BOTHERS ME BC WE WERE ONLY SUPPOSED TO FRIENDS BESTFRIENDS. AND NOW WE LIKE EACHOTHER. THATS ACTUALLY THE EXTENT OF WHERE ITS GONE WE HAVENT SEEN EACHOTHER SINCE WE REVEALED OUR FEELINGS HE WANTS TO SEE ME BUT I WONT LET HIM COME OVER MY HOUSE I KEEP AVOIDING HIM WHEN HE CALLS I DONT ANSWER BUT IM FEELING HIM SOMETHING AWFUL IM HAPPY BECAUSE I LIKE SOMEONE WHO WAS actually man enough to admit he liked me but hes off limits cuz hes my friends ex :(
My husband tried to be friends with his ex wife and she thought it was an an offer to intrude. I think it can be done but you have to watch people motives... She still is a trip.. Love your hubs keep writing
JTBOSWELL, Thank you!
There are certainly alot of variables. But I do think it can be done if everyone is honest, level headed, mature, and if there are no remaining romantic intentions.
I've been so upset by this hub. It was plagiarized on yahoo answers by this little thiefshit named Mike S
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=200805
and no matter how many times I report it to yahoo, yahoo does nothing. They say more people have to "complain." Can you even imagine the kind of retarded logic that is?? Grrrr.
Don't trust yahoo. they have absolutely no respect for copyrights.
"And the opposite is true, too. Did you break up because you cheated? Did you take her for granted? Did she find out you lied about your ex?"
I found this statement very offensive, being that I was dumped before the summer of 2008 for no apparent reason whatsoever and I felt I was taken for granted. This seems to me like a stereotype on men who cheat and take women for granted and I thought I'd share that this was offensive to me, since it does go both ways, women can cheat and can also take for granted.
Andrew,
Apparently, you didn't bother to read the article.
"She may still be the coolest person in your office, that reads the same things you read and enjoys talking about those books over 2am coffees at bad diners. He may still be the guy with the best sense of humor, that's happy to go to Ranger games and Crobar, and shares a lot of your interests."
The entire article shows examples of both ways. There is nothing in the article that says this is one way, and only applies to women who've been cheated on.
I'm offended that you'd make a comment stating the article says something it doesn't. Pay attention.
I think that when you first break up it's very difficult to remain friends. You need time apart, to get on with your life, move on and heal. You need time to grieve the death of your relationship. Further down the track, you can be friends, but it'll never be the same. The closeness and trust might be gone, or you might feel jealousl when you see your ex with someone else. I don't think it's impossible, just very difficult to do and probably takes a special person to achieve friendship with the ex. I'm not sure I can be that special person, then again, it does depend on how in love you were and what caused the break-up
Very good article!
Even though I haven't managed to become friends of any of my ex's, I do think that it is somewhat important to try and do it.
I think that one of the most important aspects of becoming friends with the ex is to have a pretty good relationship to begin with. If during the course of the relationship you become true friends, it is hard to take that away after you have broken up.
Best,Ed.
I have a friend called Ally. She is going out with a bi*&h called adam. she is still in love with her ex boyfriend robb. she does not let adam go out, yet she is allowed to go out and all she does is goes out to parties and calls her 131ADAMTAXISERVICE and gets picked up weneva she feels like going back to his house and getting a little bit of action. meanwhile, adam sits with his friends troy jake lawrence and rachel and crys like a little girl, pondering at the time, counting down how long allys going to take to call him while shes out cheating. during school ally flirts with robb and adam knows about SOME of it ;), yet he still takes her back.. what do you think about my friend adam? do you think he should man up? do you think ally and robb should still continue being friends/lovers?
In some cases yes you can be friends but in so many too much wrong was done by one or both parties to ever really be put behind.
Me and my ex jus recently broke up about a month ago. I was the one who broke it off with him but i realized that was a huge mistake a day after and now im dieing for him to come back to me but he wont because i hurtd him to much he says. But before we dated him and i were best friends we did everything together pretty much and now i agreed to keep the friendship goin but i still have hopes he will fall for me again like before but now reccently he started talkin about the future on how he might meet somone new and how hard it would b for me. And when he told me that, my heart jus shattered but i also come to realize that it s also time for me to move on. A part of me wants to stay friends and ill get through this but also the other part is just hurting and hoping he will come bac to me. i kno people say yea its ok and then no its not ok but what should i do? Weve been best friends for a yr b4 we messed around and i truely love him as a friend but also i dnt want to lose that friendship, It was his idea to stay friends with me cause he didnt want to lose the friendship either, im soo confused. Any advise?
Veronica,
What a lovely name, btw ;)
It actually doesn't sound like you need advice. It sounds like you have a very clear and mature grasp of the situation, and that you are very open regarding the future. The heart wants what it wants. There isn't too much you can do right now about wanting him. Giving the situation more time will help. I do think it's significant that he is the one that wants to remain friends. Since there are no other new partners involved, I see no reason for you to just be patient and keep on doing what you're doing - trying to be a friend, and hoping for more.
Be honest, be open. Be ready. Who knows, maybe when he's done healing he will be ready again.
My boyfriend, Adam always lies about his addiction to drugs. i have tried to tell him to be upfront with me about his addiction, yet he continues to lie. Furthermore, in response to Troydons comment, Adam regularly goes clubbing against my wishes, this is hard on me as i am younger then Adam and am woried that he is mixing with older female company. i am concerned about his loyalty to me.What should i do? help!.
I personally think that it is too hard to be close friends with an ex because there will always be one person that hopes they'll get back together. I think if you know you'll run into your ex from time to time that its good to be on friendly terms, but I dont think its a good idea to hang out with them somewhere or have long conversations on the phone because it wont allow you to get over them and move on. The person who is hoping to get back together will think if their ex is on such good terms with them, why dont we just get back together? I think its healthy to have a grieving period, especially after a long-term relationship.
I think for me the question is "why should we be friends?" I met my ex-bf over 8 yrs ago, we dated on and off for 1.5 yrs and it was plagued with screaming terrible fights. He was misery incarnate. He has this dark unhappy cloud that surrounds him, sort of like Pigpen and his dirt from the Snoopy cartoons. We broke up and tried to be friends, but it didn't work so well. We would hang out, end up sleeping together, then the next thing I know he starts dating someone else and can no longer be my friend. Then when that ends, he comes back wanting to be friends again, tells me how the other girl had all sorts of problems and how she wasn't as good, thin, pretty as me. I told him he wasn't going to find someone like me, and maybe that's a good thing considering how much we fought. Well, we tried to be friends, end up being cozy, sleep together and then again, he would meet someone else and drop me like a hot potatoe. After several attempts, I finally told him to just stop. Stay with the next girl, find happiness, but don't come back. Well, he stayed with the next girl for 2.5 yrs, but didn't find happiness, and BAM! he's starting the whole process again. Now, I no longer think it's possible. I know I'm his safety net/fallback girl and I'm just tired of it. I've had this conversation with him last week and he says he really wants me to be a part of his life. Unfortunately, at this point, I don't really care what he wants anymore. (I know, it's a mean thing to say.) I asked him why he wants me in his life and he says he doesn't know. He thinks he may be trying to make up for some of his past mistakes when we were together. I tried to tell him I'm over it, I forgave him and I've moved on. But I don't think he can. It sucks because I sound even more like an @$$hole for not trying to maintain a friendship. At what point do I get to say "I tried it, it doesn't serve me and now I want to move on without you being a part of my life" and not feel loads of guilt? BTW...he's still misery.
I just had a talk with my new gf about this topic. I am the type of person that likes to be in touch with good people, even if I've broken up with my ex's in the pass. This article hit all the reasons for my explanation of being friends with my ex and I totally agree. Now what happens if you fall in love with a new lover who does not want you to be friends with your ex. How do you make it work, if they can't help to feel that way and have always been that way. Would you still choose to be friends with your ex when it creates problems for you new relationship? I will always hold my own opinion on this matter and so would she, but I would like to know what would you do in my situation. I already had a good explanation, exactly like this article, prior to reading it. Well, I ended the conversation with sticking with how I feel, as I get angry when I feel something is being demanded of me. All-in-all she apologized for feeling this way, but just can't help it. She cares about me a lot and therefore, it bothers her even more. I want to know your insight....it seems there can't be no compromise in this type of relationship, either one of us has to budge and I know there will be issues in the future over this.
I was with my boyfriend for 6 yrs. One day he was at my parents house with me, which they couldn't stand him because he has hit me before a couple of times. We did live together for 4 yrs, but I lost my job so I had to move back home with my parents and he had to move in with his brother. Well them I started going to school during the day. So, I really only seen him on the weekend. We didn't really have money to go out so I just stayed with him at his brothers house. After a year of living apart we were out one day he ran into a girl who he sais he knew for 25 years ago, so he secertly got her phone number . Well, when he at my parents house that day he called her and told her to pick him up at a gas station near my home. I over heard a girls voice saying shes there. He needed a ride he said Karen my friends is picking me up can you see if someone can give me a ride, wekk knoiwing what I heard I knew it had to be the girl he ran into when I was with him. So, I said I will give you a ride because I heard a girls voice on your phone. Sure enough it was the same girl I told him not to d this to us, but he left any way, he tried ti act like he didn't know her but I ask her you to pick hm up she said yes with a big smile on her face. then he got in her car. Two weeks later he called me to see how I was doing I said I am doing great he said I been thinking of you, your always on my mind, He proceeds to tell me they loved one another 25 years ago that they were trying to have a baby then but he had found out his ex was pregent so he married his exgirlfriend which lasted 6 months. He callled it fate that they happen to meet up after 25 yrs. He acted as if they started from were they left off 25 yrs ago. Then calls me again ask me out. I went then that evening when we went t his brothers he left me alone. So, I checked the home phone to see who he called last I redialed she answer I hung up she called back and said don't you ever call my phone, I told her I wanted to see who C called because he just me. She said no he didn't he waws at fuseball. I said yeah who do you think he was with I told her everything that happened so she called one of C friends and he told her yes C was with me. She told him he had to leave well he came back to his brothers and yelled at me. But the next morning held me in his armskissing me. Then when we get up all he says is I really hope I can get T back. I was kicked in the stomach again by those words. Did I learn know, he called me again the next day K I do love you but, I love you both the same can I go camping with you this weekend. I told him no you need to decide who you want because I can't do this anymore. I don't know how you can be in love with someone you knew 25 yrs ago time goes on people move on she must be despert. So, when I got back from camping I called him to see what he decided. He was trying to talk private she must have walked into the room so he says I call you later real softly. She ends up calling me telling me listen we have been in love for 25 yrs get it through you head. I said well if he is so in love how come he keeps calling me. He wanted to go camping with me this weekend . I has to tell him no. She just kept on about things till my sister took the phone from me and told her to put C on the phone then my sister told him not to bother me anymore. So, he changed his number but calls me private and just holds onto the phone, not saying a word it has been 5 weeks since he left me. What do I do. Yes I still love him I think he is looking for a place to live and for someone to take care of him. She lives on disability, he doesn't have a car but she does. we are both in are 40's. Please help
I got on-line looking for commentary on the etiquite for friendships with ex's...my girlfriend has maintained a friendship with her ex...and found a lot of good information. Very helpful. My situation is a little unique (as everyone's is) so, let me tell you about it.
I met her on a chat line one Thanksgiving morning. We actually told each other we were married in order to prevent anything beyond surface-level interest. I remember her saying her 'husband' was enroute with family and she was just bored, waiting for them to arrive. I had some yams to bake for my family get-together (no wife) and our conversation was relatively short. We spoke again, on the same line, the next day (I suggested this in order to keep it casual) and we disclosed to the other that neither of us was married. I was thankful. Regardless of the holiday, I was genuinely interested in learning more about her. I did. In addition to all the wonderful things I also learned that the 'husband' who was enroute with family was really her ex planning to stay with her for a couple weeks. A little while later still I learned that she had been growing more and more distant from him emotionally, over at least the past year, and her intent was to either bring their relationship together or to end it ultimately (he had been tapping the brakes on committment for some time). Oh, and there was the sex. Apparently pretty good...they had some during his stay (I know, big surprise). She told me they decided, mutually, to end their intimate relationship (he had other priorities). It was, as I understood it, not terribly difficult for her (she had already become distanced). It was, however, difficult for him. I think he was staring regret square in the eye. His other priorities were compelling enough to prevent him from doing the one thing that would have taken the hurt away...stay. She has told me he's a great guy and that they will remain friends (no waivering there).
Fast forward nearly 5 months. My girlfriend and her ex live a few states away and continue phone conversations at the rate of weekly to nearly daily. She never tells me, unprompted, that they've spoken. She will, however, disclose if I ask. She's told me he has exhibited mood swings, that she suggested could be linked to their break-up, and said she planned on having a talk with him...telling him she would break off comunication completely if he couldn't come around. I suppose he's come to terms (although I'm not sure what they are) as he has most recently been talking her through some challenges she's had with her computer. Today, in fact, they talked and he helped her download something. She said he was "very helpful." She said he even got to hear her frustration (apparently the download was taking too long and she had trouble waiting)...said she apologized to him later. As a side note she said she had been in the market for tickets to a play (planning to go with one of her girlfriends), her computer was out of commission due to the download, and (again) she didn't want to wait. She gave him her credit card information and he purchased the tickets for her on his computer. Very helpful.
I've read numerous thoughts on the subject of friendships with ex's. The viewpoints color the spectrum. I suppose, at the end of the day, I need to feel comfortable in my own skin. I appreciate being able to write out my thoughts...it helps processing. Maybe someone else has experienced a similar situation and can relate. My head keeps confounding itself. It tells me to simply listen to my gut. If I feel as though something's not quite right, I ought to at least listen. Maybe it's common sense, maybe it's recovery from previous failed relationships. I have a hard time waiting as well but know, in my gut, that time reveals all. Listen and wait.
You are truley an inspiring person here i really loved this article
Me and my boyfriend of one year are trying ot be friends but it seems liek whenever i'm just getting over things he goes and thinks imm talking to him becuase i still liek him and he says we need space... i totally understand this but i just am sad that he thinks i am obsessed when im really still just trying to be a friend to him... he even has his other people talking to me and making me think that im this freak.. when really.. i just miss our friendship because he was and will alwyas be my best friend
I love this discussion, I need advice on this subject so much right now! I would appreciate any opinions! About 5 years ago I dated a guy and feel deeply in love with him. We dated for about 2 years but bickered so much (he was trying to find himself). So we broke up. I didn't talk to him for 3 years. A few weeks ago I was at a local park and he came running after me to talk. Wow, I was shocked. All the anger I had just disappeared at that moment. Now we hang out at least 4-5 days a week and talk daily. We've had to have those dreaded discussions about what we are and we both have declared that we still love each other. But I'm scared, I don't want to get hurt again. I can't decide what his intentions are. I want to be his friend but in my heart I want to be with him again. His last words to me before the break-up were if God intends for me to be with someone, it's you. We'll bring us back together. I have all this hope but am I being too positive? What do I do?
hedgeek says:
2 years ago
Excellent article, there is a lot of food for thought here. Personally, I have never had much success in staying friends with an ex. As you pointed out, there are many factors that will dictate the possibility of lingering friendship. There can also be character issues in play that make you step back and say. "I really don't like this person" once you remove the intimacy. It can also be too painful to be around someone after a breakup. I totally get what you are saying, but even long lasting friendships can be broken beyond repair in certain situations. And of course, sometimes you don't get to make the choice.