Can You Be Friends With Your Ex?
99Are you really done breaking up with him?
A lot depends on why you broke up. Anytime there is a restraining order, no friendship can come.
Fifteen years of ex's under my belt, and very few have survived to become true friends.
But yes. Yes, after a considerable amount of time passes, after you have both really moved on, yes. Yes, you can be friends.
I say, the two big reasons why normal people that have had an average break up with no restraining orders, cant stay friends are:
- You aren't done dating.
- Or you aren't done breaking up.
And I think the real question might be why would you want to?
Let's first look at the break up. Are you done breaking it off? Do either of you have unresolved anger towards the other? Do either of you feel like you were taken advantage of, or taken for granted, and haven't fully expressed this in a cleansing way. The first relationship -lovers- has to really be over, before the second relationship -friendship- can begin.
Is wanting to be friends now a subconscious excuse to be around this person so you can find closure on unresolved things?
And the opposite is true, too. Did you break up because you cheated? Did you take her for granted? Did she find out you lied about your ex?
Is wanting to be friends now, really a product of guilt you have for how you were as a partner? Do you feel you owe your ex, at the very least, your friendship?
These are not the kinds of preambles that will result in good friendships. Be clear about the break up in your mind, and make sure your ex is too.
If you truly want to be friends with your ex, it should be because you like him as a friend. It needs to be because you are willing to work at what might be a very hard friendship to solidify. What attracted you to him or her in the first place, is probably still there. She may still be the coolest person in your office, that reads the same things you read and enjoys talking about those books over 2am coffees at bad diners. He may still be the guy with the best sense of humor, that's happy to go to Ranger games and Crobar, and shares a lot of your interests. Your ex may still exist in the same light in which you first saw this person. Maybe dating was a mistake. Or maybe it was worth a shot, but sadly it didn't work.
Be clear, however, that there is a difference between working at a friendship with someone worth it, and the possibility that you are just avoiding the fact that you need to move on.
There's habit and familiarity here, which are huge things and should not be taken lightly. Do you want to be friends with your ex because he's so exceptional, or because he's so easy and convenient?
This is someone who already knows your friends, your season tickets, your habit of not showering on Sundays, your secret love of the Golden Girls. You don't have to explain yourself; you don't to go through that awkward sometimes painful getting-to-know-you phase. I classify this under "you aren't done dating yet." There are many aspects to what you had as a couple. Obviously there was sex. And if you two haven't gotten that out of your system, that's an issue all its own. But there is also that comfort zone, where you don't have to stress any of the fear factor parts of dating again, and learning someone new.
Now here's another thought: Just like the idea that the reasons you liked this guy in the first place still exist, there's another list that still exists too. Odds are all the reasons you decided in the end that you do not want to be with this girl also still exist. You couldn't put up with her obsession with American Idol when you were dating her, can you deal with it as a friend?
While you're deciding, life is going on. And here's my going forward advice. Make sure you're finished dating this person. Make sure you're done breaking up. And then, after that is passed, make every effort to maintain at least a casual friendship if this is someone who is in your life anyway. If this is a person who is part of your circle of friends, someone that you are bound to bump in to time and time again, someone that your friends know and will continue to socialize with, make it easy on everyone including yourself. Be a grown up, have some maturity, suck it up if you have to, and really try.
It will make everyone and every event more comfortable. You will look polished and mature, and easy going. You will be assured inclusion in any group events, even those reserved for couples. Then, if it does turn out that this ex is someone you would really cherish as a friend, you've paved the way.
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well , i think me on the other hand is crazy. but it did happen like this . i was in a relationship for 4 years . i love this guy so much and would have dome anything and did everything for him . we meet on a chat room on our cell phones and we talk for about a year e mail and phone so we came to know each other.i move to his state and we lived togethere . after 4 years we split but we stayed living togethere we moved into a 2 bedroom apartment and he has his new lover staying with us . it hurt a lot in the beging and i went threw a rollercoaster ride with it but it was i that asked his new partner to move in with us. there happy and iam happy . he is a true friend of mine and i love him very much not like he loves his partner but as a friend . everytime i tell some one abouth this they allways ask are you crazy . i and i say " A partner will come and go but a friend will allways be there "
louiesd92103, you are a step above everyone else. You're beautiful.
Hi there, I may add to the two reasons you put up there, another reason which is:
they are done breaking up but they just could not get over it. Memories linger and sometimes you stay with that particular person maybe as a friend as it may appear to everyone else including your ex but deep inside you wish him/her back again. You may categorize this as an identical thing to your second reason that is they're not done breaking up. But in my point of view it differs, coz the break up here is already done they moved on but both or one of them can't just forget the other person, can't get over it, so she/he chooses to stay as a friend just to be close to his ex and with the hope he gets her back again.
People of that sort are two kinds:
First: Those who claim to be just friends with their ex after they had already separated but hoping to be back FULLY to their ex. Yes he says she is just a friend now but deep inside he still has this little hope to have her change her mind, break up with her new bf hence have her back again, he lives on this hope.
Second: They claim to be just friends hoping to back PARTLY, meaning he broke up with her or she broke up with him, he has a new gf, she has a new bf but he won't mind dating his ex secretly behind his new gf's back or what you may call it cheating. He just can't be away from his ex even if he/she cheated.
To answer your question can ur ex be ur friend post break-up? yes but it isn't an easy thing to do. It is possible if you've lost totally interest of your ex as an opposite sex u know what I mean ? As for me I would still be in good terms with my ex but can't be a close friend coz she isn't yet out of my mind as a woman despite the break up.
Thank you for the interesting topic
Great article.
A lot of what you had to say I needed to hear right now, so thank you!
gosh!!i just think to move on and don't want to be friend with my ex anymore. but then when i read your articles it suddenly open up my heart again. maybe i should cont be his friend.but...ther's still an anger in my heart..argggggggggggghhh!
-i might be nice but i ain;t fool fucker-
me and my boyfriend were together for 4 months, 2 months before i had to move to uni. i warned him that the distance would be hard but he said he really wanted to be with me...2 months later we broke up because he found the distance too hard. i'd still like to remain friends with him but i think it's because i just dont want him to forget about me. we havent spoken for 3weeks and i dont know whether to give it time before we talk again? or if we talk again?
I think you can...Be freinds with your Ex...If they're cool with it
I broke up with my ex but we're good friends now...
How mean was I to be..I broke up with him
But he still has feelings for me....He's not willing to move on yet
It's been like 3 to 2 months already..
But I didn't want to hurt his feelings so I told him we
could just be friends....until I was ready for a relationship
We'll he's only my first so I'm still new in dating
But I'm his second ex already
And It was just this year too
To think of myself...I was so rude to him to just Break up like that
Sometimes I still miss him though:(
So you are stringing him along then, what will happen is that he will end up hating you.
I saw that situation happen to my friend, it took him the best part of 2 years o recovery and he tried to kill himself, be honest with him. If yu want him, go for it. If you don't then, tell him that properly. You are lying to him, friends dont lie to each other
Fantastic article by the way,
Hey Squirrly,
I am so sorry about your friend. In all my HUBS I preach honesty. I get your point exactly. Just be honest. Tell your would-be partnerd what it is you want. Ask them what they want. You might be surprised at the answer. Just be honest. With the other person, and with yourself.
I think in most of the cases it does not work out being friends with your ex due to that special connection you have had in the past. I have been married for 26 years and I have experienced a few of these situations and let me tell its very hard to be freind with your ex. Great topic.
Unfortunately, I don't think it is possible to have a close relationship with your ex - at the same time, it is possible to have a casual relationship with them, calling for birthdays and inquiring about their family. My full thoughts are on: http://sophiasparx.blogspot.com
~Sophia Sparx
Here's an answer to that question...No you can't be friends with your ex. I've been there, done that, and let me tell you it's just drama. The only thing it does is remind you why you broke up to begin with. A clean break is the way to go and maybe in a year or two revisit the friend thing. But being friends soon after the break up is just asking for trouble.
It might happen that you just happen to be friends with your ex depends on that person if they're ok with it
fascinating and informative. now i understand why me and my exbf are good friends. and why his new gf is jealouse of me.. hehehe.. keep up the good work.. i hope i could also pulish my own article soon...
well I was with my lover for 33 years..many reasons we didn't tie the knot..not that it matters in the state we live in..it is 50/50 nomatter what. what's mine is his and what's his is mine...He walked away for a Younger woman..and just left me here with everything. says "I can have it all" yeh..I don't want it all...friends..yes..because I still am in love with the bastard..but have set him free..if it is meant to be he will be back...if not it wasn't meant to be.
His saying is "you had me for 33 years..now let her have me"..well I am at the point She can have Him..more power to her..I will always be his friend..he is a dear child of God no matter how I hurt or feel..I forgive him his sin..but I can't forget it.. so be it...This is a great hub my sweet one...Thanks for all the good advice..advise? which one is right? G-Ma :o) hugs
Big hug, G-Ma!
Thanks so much! I always love your comments.
Wow, that is something. 33 years... I am amazed at your realistic Words about it. I'm so sorry you hurt. I can't even imagine...
It's nice to be able to be on friendly terms but that's not always possible. You're right about that being a problem when you're not really fully broken off from "dating" the other person. Works out best if both people are able to fully break away and are solid enough on their own to remain helpful friends. You most likely know the other person really well (and vice versa) and its ideal if you can both encourage each other to move on for both your betters.
Oh, this is good!
Good hub. It is always best to stay friends, if you can. If they abused you, then that is a different story. Otherwise burning bridges, either personally or professionally is never a good idea. I have tried to remain friends with my ex boyfriends. We all need our friends
hiya everyone,i think being friends with an ex immediately after the relationship aint gud.jst goin thru a break up and we thought we could handle being friends.at first twas ok,then we were soon having sex.....with no strings attached bt that is a lie,there are always strings attached.now he became jealous abt me and we quarrelled so badly i think he even hates me now.its called learning the hard way and i feel nbad abt it coz i wanted to remain friends bt i think i will let things cool off for now.maybe later we might try it out.only thing am praying now is that i dont become pregnant after this break-up sex coz it will be soooooo sooooo BAD!!!!!!so no friendship till all barriers are erected and u have no feelings at all.
hey everyone
id like to add my 2 cents. we broke up about 4 months ago after a 3 year relationshipd. he now has a new gf and it really kills me but i would rather have him in my life as a friend than not have him in my life at all. however any advice on how to move past the "maybe we will get back together" phase would be great, cause i would really like to move on i just dont know how.
to hopeless,
it's great to know what you would like to move on. it's the first step of moving on. dont expect yourself to move on fast. the process takes time. i myself just broke up with my ex 3 weeks ago. and yes, i too had the "maybe we will get back together" phrase, even though he cheated on me.
i'd suggest you keep yourself busy. it'll keep your mind off of your previous relationship. exercise is a great thing. it makes you happy and keeps you fit. share whats on your mind with your confidante. talking through it helps.
While doing this, DONT ever try to contact him, looking at his pictures or anything that reminds you of him. listen to feel good/upbeat music. and like i said, don't expect to be okay overnight. it takes time. time will heal.
All the best to you =)
__
my ex contacted me asking if i wanna meet up with him. I didnt reply him. I feel that it MAY be good to be friends with him as he was an acquaintance when we were kids. but after reading this article, i am convinced that i should keep a distance from him until i am done breaking up with him. am i going to be friends with him? time will tell- but for now, i wont meet up with him and spend more time with my new bf ;D
I commented to this hub before but I had to comment again because what you wrote about how what attracted you to the person in the first place and the things you have in common. Well sometimes love never goes away. For me and my ex husband it never went away and we have always been most comfortable with each other. We have also never found love with any other person like we have with each other. So not only can you remain friends, watch out, you could get back together!
Sandilyn, Thanks for the additional comment. I know you're right.
Your point about being careful you're not hoping to get back together is important. Maybe YOU don't want to rekindle the spark, but be careful your ex isn't harbouring any hopes. He/she may think that because you're being friendly, you haven't quite closed the door - and that will harm them because it'll stop them moving on.
I find the biggest hurdle to retaining a friendship is partners - either his or mine! When my marriage broke up, I'd like to have stayed friends with my ex, but his new wife couldn't cope with the idea. Similarly, I know my new hubbie is uncomfortable when a past boyfriends gets in touch, which is why I don't encourage it.
Marisa,
Yeah, there's a whole thing there, with the current partner being uncomfortable about past partners. This isn't to you in particular, this is just a general observation. There's alot to consider: does the current partner have a reason to be uncomfortable? When the situation is reversed how understanding are you? Do you really want to be with someone that makes you give up other relationships that are important to you? Is your current relationship lacking the key elements of trust?
Each situation is different, but I'd offer this basic piece of advice to most. If the relationship is good and trusting, then do what you can to help each other feel comfortable and keep moving forward. What I am saying is, the sacrifices you might make in the beginning stages of building a relationship are not necessary as time goes on. It's the same with other relationship elements too, such as finances and personal space. In the first year of the relationship, if there is uncomfortableness, don't hang with your ex. Don't have those friendships that make the new partner uncomfortable. Expect the same consideration in return. In a couple years it won't matter so much. My husband and I went through those careful stages. Now, 11 years later, he'll actually take me to see my ex's band play when they're in NY, and to the backstage party afterward. Trust takes time. I advise letting it build over time.
Good advice, Veronica. However I do think that some people can never deal with it, and perhaps they're in the majority in this world. One of my ex's (what's the plural??) is getting married at the end of May, and I'm invited to the wedding. I mentioned it to work colleagues (to explain why I'm taking leave) and the reaction was universally, "that's w-e-i-r-d!".
I've started telling all kinds of people about it, just to test the reaction, and I've yet to find someone who'll just say, "that's nice"!
That is odd, Marisa. I wouldn't have said the majority, but that's based on my own experiences and the column. When I invite people to an ex's concert, or art opening or something, the reaction is "That's great" 9 times out of 10. Maybe it has to do with where in the world we are? I know it's not uncommon here. Many of my friends are still pretty friendly with their ex's. Or, it could just be the kinds of circles we tend to keep.
I think the circles is a good point. I'm in a band. Many of my musician and artist friends are friends with exes and it is kind of the norm in those kinds of people's lives. But like the office where I have my day job I know it's not common.
I know that I commented on this hub before, which is very good but I had to write again.
You can be friends with your ex. No matter which kind of ex that is. I have an ex boyfriend that I am still friends with. We email and we talk on the phone.
I also have an ex husband who is also my friend but he is more. He has always be "The One" (that was our wedding song too). Big changes have happened in the last 7 months and we are getting back together.
He is moving back home! So not only can you be friends, you can get back together and more. Keep in mind that we spent 14 years together and we have known each other for 20 years but love is love.
working
hedgeek says:
13 months ago
Excellent article, there is a lot of food for thought here. Personally, I have never had much success in staying friends with an ex. As you pointed out, there are many factors that will dictate the possibility of lingering friendship. There can also be character issues in play that make you step back and say. "I really don't like this person" once you remove the intimacy. It can also be too painful to be around someone after a breakup. I totally get what you are saying, but even long lasting friendships can be broken beyond repair in certain situations. And of course, sometimes you don't get to make the choice.