Depression is a dark, ugly monster that consumes your mind with a spreading sensation of darkness. I know about depression first-hand. For one year of my life, I survived the clutch of this evil monster from hell. Although the effects were devastating, the final result of my depression was a life changing accomplishment for me. Now, I share the cause and effects of depression in my life.

The illness began to entrap me during a twelve year marriage to a person who never gave me any kind of affection, attention or nurturing. Totally void of healthy emotion, this Vietnam Vet literally turned my ability to receive love into a blank nothingness. As each year passed, I began to feel more and more empty, as my emotional needs weren’t met. When I finally broke free from the marriage, I had practically abandoned my faith in God and become a fragile, needy sponge for affection. I turned to alcohol and other relationships for comfort. After one year of living this life style, going through several rejections and breakups, I plunged into the darkest depths of depression. This was the consequence of my actions, as well as the result of years of neglect.

When I became aware of how ill I was, I didn’t immediately seek help. I tried to surround myself with color. I continued lasting friendships and attended church regularly, yet I had a constant pain deep within my chest that never stopped. It can best be described as a dull ache of yearning. I cried every day over my losses. Pain would flow out with my tears as I asked God to allow me to die, begging him to take it away.  I tried to think of a way to die painlessly in order to release me from this ghastly affliction. All I wanted was for the pain to leave. Death seemed the only alternative. I was desperate to stop the hurt within me. I continued working each day, going about my daily routine as usual. I absorbed myself in writing a portfolio for college. Months passed. I began to feel angry, then full of despair. One of my college instructors suggested a counselor that she thought could help me. Thank God she did! After almost one year of pain, I began to find some answers.

In therapy, I learned new coping skills for my illness. And, best of all, I learned there was a name for my problem: Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder with Major Depression. After determining the illness, my counselor referred me to a wonderful psychiatrist who prescribed me an antidepressant called Luvox. This drug is ordered specifically for individuals with OCD. Luvox changed my life. After one week on the medication, I felt like a different person. I continued in therapy and began to realize, due to my illness, why my reactions to life events were so magnified. With the help of the medication regulating my serotonin level, I learned to recognize the symptoms before they erupted. The drug maintained a normal level of serotonin in my brain so I could think clearly, thus make better decisions. By the time Christmas arrived that year, I was content to sit and make decorative bricks for all the people who’d helped me the past year. I enjoyed my children, my job, and my life. It was the result of God’s mercy, excellent therapy, and life-saving medication.

I continued to take Luvox for over 3 years, until I could fully recover. I continually persist to heal and cope with the symptoms of OCD, though the symptoms have become very manageable. Occasionally, depression pops up again like the grim reaper, but I recognize it for what it is: a thorn. I continue to renew my faith in God and take a low dose of Prozac from time to time. Though the effects of depression nearly destroyed me, it forced me to look at my life from another perspective. I was able to see deep within myself, find the hidden fears, hurts, and abandonment issues. All of these injuries were revealed and dealt with by the grace of God. The final outcome was deliverance, peace, and at last, freedom from pain.

To those who are depressed -

 If you find yourself sad & depressed for over 6 months, please seek the help of a professional.  There is light at the end of the tunnel.  Please don't give up!  I promise you it won't hurt this bad forever.  I understand your pain, I understand the darkness, I understand that gnawing feeling that overtakes you when you beg the hurt to go away and it won't, I understand your anger when someone tells you to 'get over it,'  I understand your weariness after praying and there is no relief.  I share your pain.  You can love and live again. 

 From inside the chest it

spreads in one giant wave that stings

like a slap.

The dark envelopes the light... a

tiny speck in the distance.

Clawing for hope, yearning for understanding,

crying for life.

if you're in a depression from the breakup of a relationship, divorce, death, or any other loss, I strongly recommend this book. It has brought me through so much and I've advised many others to read it. Second only to the Word of God, this is the most healing book I've ever read.