Imagine the scene, a beautiful Christmas table, huge golden turkey in the centre, gleaming cutlery, handmade table decorations and Christmas crackers. The guests sit, pull the crackers and eagerly look for the jokes. Disaster! there are no jokes or they’re so unfunny that the rest of the meal is eaten in silence. Worry no more! Here a collection of the best cracker jokes I could think of.

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of
terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I
couldn't put it down.

This cowboy walks into a German car showroom and says,
'Audi!'

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller
said, 'Euro star.' I said, 'Well I've been
on telly but I'm no Johnny Depp.'

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who
answered just went on and on.

What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.

Why did the elephant bring toilet paper to a party?
Because he was a party pooper.

Why don't oysters give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.

What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!

Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "Funny, can you smell carrots".

How do dinosaurs pay their bills? With Tyrannosaurus checks

How do you make an egg laugh? Tell it a yolk.

What bird can lift the most? A crane.

What bone will a dog never eat? A trombone.

What can you hold without ever touching it? A conversation.

What clothes does a house wear? Address.

What country makes you shiver? Chile.

What's green and loud? A froghorn.

What's round and bad-tempered? A vicious circle.

Where did the farmer take the pigs on Saturday afternoon? He took them to a pignic.

Where do fortune tellers dance? At the crystal ball.

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.

Men are like coolers: Load them with beer, and you can take them anywhere

Men are like parking spots: The good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.

How many men does it take to open a can of beer?
None, it should be open when she brings it to him.

If your dog was barking at the back door and your wife was knocking on the front door, who would you let in first?
The dog, because at least he would shut up once he was in.

The fight we had last night was my fault,
my wife asked me what was on the TV and I said dust

Has there been any insanity in your family?"
Yes, doctor. My husband thinks he's the boss

" There's one thing good about being poor - its inexpensive

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

I was in the attic the other day with the wife. Damp and dusty.........but she's great with the kids

A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She has
> 14 kids but doesn't really care.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and
> setting fire to my knickers.